Just feel very alone and rejected, I don't really belong anywhere

[Cloud_Catcher]

I guess it all started from school, I've been bullied and rejected quite harshly through high school, and in general just disrespected. I hated it so much, I just want to be normal I guess, just have some chill friends to hang out with who aren't mean to me. I'm currently on a gap year because I am planning on taking a pretty intensive course and My anxiety and depression had gotten so severe that I knew I wouldn't be able to function. I've tried stuff like meetups, volunteer work and I also have a job now, but it all seems so hopeless. Nothing worked, there were pretty much nobody my age to talk to. I keep getting thoughts to do with all the bullying and stuff and its just irritating. I try to gain control and get some semblance of happiness from playing music, but its very difficult to sustain, but I do enjoy it very much. I'm not sure what to do at this point, besides waiting for uni and hoping that people aren't as mean to me as in the past, but I can't bring myself to do it, it just seems so hopeless :/.

[Croix]

Dear Cloud Catcher~

Welcome here to the Forum. You sound under a lot of pressure at the moment. School was horrible, the number of cruel kids is amazing, at least that is behind you now even if your thoughts do keep returning to it. The fact is being bullied casts a long shadow and sometimes it takes specialist help to get over it. Having it affect you now is not in the least surprising. Bullies do a lot of damage.

You are waiting on uni and are working too, so pressure is all round. Is work ok?

You said you have anxiety and depression, and that they are now pretty severe, so much so you are worried you will not be able to function. Do you mind if I ask if you are under treatment for these?

I found there was no way I could function without medical support, in fact I kept getting worse. I'm an awful lot better nowadays, and that is down to therapy, meds and family support. So if you are under treatment then I'd strongly suggest you see your doctor and have your regime reviewed. It does not seem to be that effective at the moment. Reviews are pretty common, particularly as circumstances change.

Of curse if you are not being treated then now is the time to start, give it time to start working before the uni year. Go to your GP and in a long appointment set out all that has happened and how you feel. If in doubt write it all out first -as I have done. It can be the start of a much better life.

I found my family's support was much needed and made a real difference. Do you have anyone you can talk to - even if not the same age? Many people find once they break the ice they can talk with a parent, friend or other family member and it really does help, you do not feel so alone for one thing.

Things are not hopeless at all, bad experiences at school do not mean everyone is like that - far from it.

Having a link to music is an excellent thing. I find when down writing helps. You sound as if you have already taken steps to try to get things better, with meetups and volunteering. I'm sure you will get there.

We would like to know how you get on

Croix

[Cloud_Catcher]

I am currently under treatment (changed medication like twice and went to about 9 appointments for therapy), I was feeling alot better for a little bit (the last 2 months I hadn't had a single suicidal thought) mainly due to concentrating on music, but idk I'm not feeling too good now I guess just motivation wise I find it very difficult to pick up my instruments, I still do, but the return value just isn't there. It could be that my physical health isn't too good, but idk I might go back and change my medication, I think that may also help.

[Croix]

Dear Cloud Catcher~

Sometimes it can be quite difficult to sort out what are the effects of a mental health problem, such as depression, and what is due to simply being ill or run down or overtired.

I guess mostly it is depression in my case when I get no pleasure at all from the things I normally enjoy. Everything is flat and too much effort and seems pointless. I try to write, sometimes for my Happy Memories Thread, other times just for me. This can help.

I've changed meds a lot over the years before I was put on my current regime which does help a fair bit. I can feel the difference every day. 9 therapy sessions is not a lot, though it sounds as if the combination of that plus meds did help for a while. Not having suicidal thoughts is such a relief, not being scared and completely down.

Your plan to look at your medication again is a pretty good one, as will be going back to therapy if you can. Do you think it is worth having a physical check-up at the same time?

Would you like to say what you play and what sort of music you favor (I'll understand if you don't want to)

Croix