Just can’t deal with lonely

[Zeppie]

I have been dealing with depression on and off for 20 years I’m 36 years of age and suffer chronic pain but that’s just a part of my life now. It’s the loneliness I can’t deal with all my mates have moved on with families and kids and I’m still the single one out of us all. I have recently had to move back home due to not working a great deal with this pain issue I can only do 16 hours a week and that’s not enough to live on so Mum rescued me due to lack of $$. So with all this going on my depression has increased more than ever and it’s scary. It’s hard to see all these happy couples and to know your going home alone to mums house at the age of 36. I try to do things with the boys but I can understand they are busy with the family so I’m left lonely again and the brain just runs wild with negativity I just don’t know what to do please help me.

[Quercus]

Hi Zeppie,

I'm glad you decided to post and reach out for support here. Loneliness is such a frequent topic on the forums and one that many of us struggle with so you'll find understanding here even if the replies aren't always immediate.

You are welcome to join in wherever you find a thread that interests you and write to others if you wanted to. I know it isn't the same as spending time with people offline, but I've found sometimes when I feel totally alone being able to join in somehow helps me.

I hope it helps you feel less alone too while you find things that help and support you offline also.

You spoke about being restricted by pain and that is something I can relate to living with autoimmune arthritis. Is ok if I ask what sort of options are physically realistic for you to be connected with other people offline?

Sorry if that is offensive... I just used to find that when people made suggestions I would sometimes feel so upset thinking "uh yeah that sounds great and I might like it.. But I haven't had a good night's sleep in months for the pain and it just feels so unrealistic" or similar. I don't want to make you feel worse unintentionally.

It is kind of you to be so accepting of your friend's family commitments but you still matter too! Have you felt able to approach any of your mates or their partners about your isolation? You might end up finding they want more company! That old saying about it taking a community to raise a child is right. When my son was born I had hoped so badly for my family to be involved. It didn't happen but I have a few friends who my kids see as family because we see them so often.

I'll stop waffling for now except to say arrgh being financially strapped is such a familiar and crappy feeling and I do feel for you in your situation.

Hopefully you feel up to sharing a bit more of your story and we can help somehow even if it is just by giving you a space to feel less alone.

Nat

[SwansandSharksMan]

I'll try and answer this from a slightly different point of view. I grew up as an only child and kind of got used to doing things on my own so much that I thought it was almost normal. I would go out and ride my bike on my own, kick a ball in the park on my own, walk to the shopping mall to look around on my own, go to movies on my own etc. I didn't know it wasn't normal. I didn't know that it was seen as strange to not be with friends.

I'm now married with 2 girls. My family don't like the same things as me. So family outings are not the things that I necessarily like doing. I am always working also. Even after hours at home on the laptop. So get very little time to relax. I hardly see any of my friends. There is just no time with work and housework usually on the weekends.

Look at this way. You have time on your side to maybe do a few things you like. Plan your week around a couple of things that you like that you can maybe do on your own. I'm not sure what you like doing? For me it might be a bike ride, a bush walk, a swim or hitting a few golf balls at a driving range. There might be a movie you always wanted to see that could be available on an online platform. Have a look for it. Sit down and watch and let it take your mind off things for a couple of hours, maybe?

[AngelFlower]

Hi Zeppie,

I’m 38, single and I live with my parents as well. I’ve lost touch with a lot of people over the years mostly due to me isolating myself from them, I felt I’d lost the connection with them because they had all moved on to a different stage of life. I can understand the mindframe you are in, it’s horrible the fear, the loneliness and just feeling lost. My advice is don’t let those friendships fall away, kids will grow up, partner’s need to do their own thing sometimes and I’m sure your mates will need you. Try to see the positives, you have support from a mother who obviously loves you, cares for you and wants to help. It’s one less source of stress and hopefully you can concentrate on finding ways to cope and manage the chronic pain. I’m sure you know this but chronic pain will also make depressive symptoms worse so we see situations worse than what they seem. You mentioned having depression for 20 years, is there anything you know of that has helped? For example Medications/therapy/mindfulness