It’s The Lies I Tell Myself

[TRese]

Hi, I'm new here because I can’t continue lying to myself about how depression and anxiety are really affecting my life. I’ll say things like “I’m an introvert, so I don’t really like socialising because I actually enjoy my own company” or “I’m very independent, so I need my own space and freedom” but the honest truth is, I’m afraid of being vulnerable and getting hurt, so I push everyone away first - family, friends, colleagues and partners.

I’m no different to anyone else, I have shame, guilt, insecurities, trust issues, trauma, confidence issues, anger etc. but these things drive me to isolate myself excessively (in more ways than one).

My greatest desire and greatest fear are the same thing; letting people see the real me (as I truly am). The side of me that the world sees, is the version I’ve created, so that the real me can stay hidden (safe from harm) but I’m honestly so lonely - it was a struggle to even write “I’m lonely” because until now, I’d lied to myself so much, that I convinced myself that I’m 100% content (and or happy) with being alone (even for the rest of my life).

I want to challenge the lies and beliefs that are holding me back (no longer serving me) and this post is the first (honest) step in the right direction.

[TRese]

Hi Aaronsis,


That picture resonates with me, so I thought it might resonate with others too.


I’m sorry to hear about losing your brother. I lost both my grandparents earlier this year (both) from cancer. Although I knew they were dying, it still shattered me when they passed - I became numb. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult losing your brother so suddenly must have been for you, then the pain of trying to search for answers. I’m glad you’ve found your peace on here, amongst people who care. I haven’t seen your original post, but I would like to read it, is there a way I can search for it?


Thank you for sharing about your experience with counselling, I’ve found talking ... and talking (and talking) with a psychologist has been a really positive way to ‘unpack’ things. Like you, I cried and cried, it felt like a big part of the process - like a release.


It’s comforting to know that with help, anger can be turned into empathy. You’ve chosen to share empathy towards those closest too you and online - you have an absolute heart of gold.


Thank you for asking, I’ve felt better today than I have in 3 weeks. As for revealing the REAL me, I’ve actively taken your advice to ‘say hello to someone who you would love to chat to’ - I guess I’ve been doing that with you over a couple of posts, despite my raging anxiety telling me “stop bothering Aaronsis, you’ve taken up enough time and space already”. Good old anxiety and it’s constant cometary.


But on another note, how are you feeling today Aaronsis?

speak soon.

TR

[Aaronsis]

Hey TR

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your grandparents, it really it so very tough, any death really and whether you are prepared for it or not, when it happens it is horrific. Another thing that I did was write, in a book, just purge..it was raw and horrible sometimes but it was for no one to see but me, it helped so very much, I have actually never gone back to read the few days of when I started, I may never, but I write and I get it all out and it feels so good.

As for my original post, I am not sure how to share it but I called it "help me to help you" and you will find it in the Suicide and Self Harming section of the "all posts" tab..I think...lol

Please do not ever feel like you are bugging me, If I didn't want to be here chatting to you I would not log on...I am so very happy to be here and also to hear that you are making some progress in your journey, that is awesome and yes, even if it is just here chatting to me that is a wonderful start.

You can "road test" things here too, like if you are wanting to try something and you feel scared, you can ask me and whomever else joins the thread and I am happy to give you some tips as best I know how.

I am actually pretty good today and thank you for asking me too, I have been running around a bit after the kids today but just sat down with some blue cheese and crackers...yum.....

Do you have any plans for tonight, I had some dinner plans but they got cancelled, I am not at all even sad..lol..happy to stay in and get in some pj's..lol..ahh old age!

By the way, I am Sarah, I feel like we are friends.

Chat soon

Sarah

[TRese]

Hi Aaronsis,

The loss has been hard, horrific is honestly how it feels - having to come to terms with a new reality, but like you, it’s just one day at a time.

I like the point you made about purging, others had mentioned that writing helped to let things out too. I’ve only tried writing a couple of times, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to read what’s written about my trauma just yet. Through therapy, I’ve starting uncovering my true life story (for what it was), not the ‘nice’ story I made up - guess that was my way of protecting myself.


Okay, I will head through the all posts section to see if I can can find your original one, to have a read.


Thank you for reassuring me, that chatting because you want too and that I’m not just bugging you - helps me to challenge the anxiety.
That sounds great, I’m starting to feel comfortable to be able to do that in here, so I will keep road testing in mind.


I’m glad to hear that you’ve had a good day today and that your enjoying some delicious blue cheese ... most definitely yum!


Haha I secretly like when plans get cancelled as well, who doesn’t love getting into PJs for a good night in lol
I finished all my housework today (thank goodness), so I’m on the hunt for some funny movies tonight! - need to give the crime documentaries a break.


I feel like we are friends too Sarah, I’m Teresa. I hope you’ll feel free to share anything you’d like to road test too.


Talk to you soon, enjoy your chilled evening in.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear TRese,

In answer to your question of "Do you keep one journal or do you have multiple journals" ... well, ideally I would have just one journal, but I tend to start one, and then I might 'put it in a safe place' but then forget where I put it so I start another one ....... and so it goes on! I think I've actually started about 6 different journals over the years!

I have the memory of a goldfish too, due to a brain injury when I was 10, so that can make life a bit interesting sometimes. I keep lists, lists and more lists of what I need to do and where and when I need to do it. I have multiple alarms in my phone to remind me of stuff, so yeah, I find writing a GREAT tool for helping me to lead a more manageable life.

Anyway, am glad I made you smile ......... think of me, won't you, the next time you burn the dinner, or turn on the wrong burner!

Hope today was a better day for you. Take care. xo

[TRese]

Hi Sarah,


I’ve read through your original post on 30.09.2019. I just want to say how very sorry I am and my condolences to you and your family the loss of your brother. It wasn’t until I read through your post and thread that I realised how recently you younger brother had passed away.


Reading your posts, I’m in awe of your strength and willingness to want to help others while working through your own grief and pain. You are truly a blessing to this world and even more so, to your family by supporting them in coping with their grief and awareness of suicide, and that you’re working with your counsellor to role play discussions to have with your dad.


I also read the responses you received on your thread which further confirmed for me that BB forums are filled with people who are openly trying to reach out, not only to help themselves but to help others. I was glad to read that a lot of the responses to your thread had helped you to fill in gaps about suicide - what makes a difference, what someone might need and that it’s not what’s on the outside but what’s on the inside that someone contemplating suicide is dealing with.


You’ve shared your words of encouragement with me, to help me to open up, but after reading about your experience and strength, I have a real desire to share my story and help others - even in some small way. Your actions and resilience have given me courage because may be my experiences can help shed light for someone else - my original post was the tip of the iceberg.


In your original post you wrote "What do you need in your darkest moment?" - you’ve receive, so much insight from other members, and I may not have anything different, but I have my own personal experience with suicidal thoughts, that may help you in your journey.


Sorry for the length of the post, just wanted to know my thoughts are with you while your working through your own grief - you are amazing Sarah!


Hope your enjoying your night in!

Will speak soon 😊

[Aaronsis]

What a beautiful message Teresa, whole heartily...thank you.

It has only been 3 months but feels like a life time, but I have changed so much in that time.

It put such a smile on my face to hear that you felt like you would like to share your whole story too, with no pressure at all, when you are ready, I would love to hear it. It is so true that a problem shared is a problem halved and the joy of doing it here is not only are you protected by anonymity, but you will be treated with love and kindness in return, never judged. In your own time tho.

Once you start talking it is really quite scary how many people have been impacted and touched by suicide and people who have made attempts on their life, it is so much worse than we know and can imagine. I cant save the world and as much as that shits me I have to accept that suicide will happen today and tomorrow, however, we must talk about it and bring it into the light so people don't feel shame and are not called selfish and that it can be understood for the very complex issue it is. That is becomes as easy to say "I feel suicidal" as to say "I have a migrane" and people calmly ask "what can I do to help you now?"

Ok enough of my rant...I am enjoying my night in, with my cats...lol

I am really enjoying getting to know you and I am so excited for the courage you are growing to be you..it is awesome Teresa.....

Sarah 🙂

[Aaronsis]

Hi Teresa

Just stopping in to say hi and hope that your day has something that has made you happy or smile.

Happy Monday

Cheers

Sarah