Hi,
In relationships, I am always angry. After another relationship breakdown almost half a year ago, and facing single life, I am back to feeling depressed and lonely. My family have rocky relations, parents and siblings have tenuous or strained relationships with one another. I have trouble talking to my friends. I get so down that getting out of bed in the morning is a task. It can take 25 minutes to get up from the table after eating breakfast. I have very low drive to do things. I exercise, I speak to people, but the in depth stuff worries me. Having to know things and communicate beyond small talk, getting close to a person. I have no idea about what's happening in the world because I have stopped paying attention. Sometimes I get so sad, and I cry. I feel better afterwards, but it never seems to last. In conversation I am negative and cynical, and it annoys people.
I've begun to see a counsellor again and hopefully things will improve. My dream is to have a good job, to meet someone, and raise a strong and supportive family. As I get older it's the thing that I want the most. When I think about the likelihood of those things happening I get very sad. Anger is always a problem, jealousy, and a raft of other negative attitudes.
I think a lot lately about suicide. The thought is like a practical thought on how to deal with a problem, like thinking about changing a light bulb that's difficult to reach. When I think like that, I can't move, but the thought just appears. To tell someone about depression invites the same answers: "Everyone gets depressed sometimes", "Life isn't easy for anyone". Try telling those people that it's not just a one-off, it's ongoing, it never stops and I hate it so much. They turn their backs.
I really do wish it would all just stop. Every day is either dull or hard, it's always there in my mind and if it isn't then the high watermarks are clearly visible. At every chance I shut it out and retreat into my own head. Talking about it helps to shut things out, but conversations can't go on forever. At some point you have to face an empty room and your own thoughts.
Beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.
