Everyone I meet either hates me so much I'm surprised they don't try to kill me, or they tolerate me at best. This isn't unique to one group of people. It's everyone I meet. I'm apparently an extremely dislikable person. It's not how I view myself, but I'd have to be completely delusional to deny that fact.
I've already been through the whole 'oh just get more confident and charismatic and you'll eventually get a group good friends!' And I don't just mean I've been through people advising me to do that. I've literally already done that. And all of those so called friends cut me out of their lives because I objected to one of them who was in the wrong.
I'm so sick of being hated or ignored. It's not just sadness or depression (which I've had for my whole stupid life) anymore. Something feels... wrong. Broken in a way it wasn't maybe a few years ago, despite struggling with depression at that time. Ever since my closest friends effectively told me I am worthless, something inside me is dead. I can feel it.
Now, don't worry this next question is not meant to be some disguised parallel to suicide or something. I have no intention of taking my own life and I'm confident I never will. But the question is; Is there a way to stop caring? Has anyone figured out a way to burn out that last shred of that person inside who wants people to like them? Who wants to fit in? A lot of that has been destroyed inside me, but not enough. Every time I see all the people I work with having drinks and either deliberately excluding me or simply forgetting I exist, it hurts. It really, really hurts and I feel so alone.
I know I'll never have an actual group of friends who care about me. I've accepted that is never going to happen. And while that acceptance spares me some of the pain, some of it's still there. And I need to stop feeling it. I broke years ago and I can't take any more pain. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to collapse just from being mentally exhausted.
