Is it always going to be this hard??

[topsy_]

I'm nearly 60 & have had depression & PTSD since my late teens. I've had counselling, meds, even ECT. I am so much better than my worst years but the down times still come. If they're short lasting I can manage okay but when the depression really decides to hang around for longer than normal it's tough going. I have so many more coping skills than when I was younger. But when the time drags on I start to doubt - even forget! - that I will get better. Thoughts/tips anyone?? Please. 

[blondguy]

Hi Yellownanna

A warm welcome to the BB Forums and Thankyou for posting

When the Black Dog sits next to you for a long time it can be painful. I have had depression for many years and I do understand these dark periods you are going through. I also see that you have had ECT. Oh My....I have no words for that treatment. I have never 'experienced' it. My heart aches for you.

If I may ask you yellownanna....has anything happened in your life recently that may have increased your depression? I can see that you have achieved so much with counselling as well as realising the benefits of the meds too!

I am sorry to be a pain yellownanna but it would be good (if you wish of course) just to have a tiny bit of extra info. Are you living alone/with family/a partner? I have had depression/anxiety for approx 25 years....Have you had depression for a long time?

My depression kicked in very strongly after trying to get contact with my daughter....Like you it comes and goes....I am sorry that your depression is 'sticking around' right now.

I dont mean to ask so many questions yellownanna.....just one more if I may? How is the quality of your sleep at the moment?

I do hope you can reply

Kind Thoughts for You

Paul

[topsy_]

Hi Paul,

Thanks for the commiserations re ECT. The worst side effect has been the destruction of my memories prior to ECT. Whole & huge chunks of memory of raising my 3 daughters. Having to always so no to "do you remember when?" More recently I've seen reports that it also effects your ability to learn. I thought I was just getting dumber & dumber! This has to be counter balanced though by the realisation that I probably wouldn't still be alive had I not had the treatment. I'm not always sure that's a positive though.

My girls are all in their 30's now with 9 children between them. I remarried 17 years ago to a lovely man. I met him in the psych hospital. He has schizophrenia- well controlled by meds. We don't know exactly what each other feels but we can talk & listen & accept the reality of each of our experiences. 

 My husband has had lots of medical tests lately. He is due for a hip replacement in a few weeks. He has type 2 diabetes with only 30% kidney function  and he has been experiencing some numbness in one arm & on his face. Some of those visits were very expensive esp when our only incomes are the disability pensions. So there's been that stress. I hate it when I don't feel in control. Childish I guess but real.

 My depression began when I was about 17. It & I have never been accepted by my family. I finally cut ties about 15 years ago. It's better this way.

 As for my sleep, erratic describes it best. Some nights are fantastic while others are just awful. 

Thanks for taking the time & effort to reply Paul. I hope this fills in some of the blanks for you.

 Kind regards, Lyn.

[blondguy]

Hi Lyn

Thankyou so much for your response. I did read about the effect that ECT had/has on you. I am thankful for you letting me know what it 'felt' like. I am somewhat ignorant on ECT but I have learnt from you tonight.

You are fortunate to have met and married a wonderful partner Lyn, and good on you! I also cut ties with my dad about 3 years ago for similar reasons. The peace I discovered after doing this was a huge bonus to my peace of mind, I understand exactly where you are coming from Lyn.

Its not childish at all to feel that you are not in control..It is a natural reaction where survival is concerned.

It may help a little Lyn and you probably know after what you have been through...I have learned after many years of depression and GAD that i  have to turn my mobile phone/laptop/ipad off before sleep.....they only stimulate brain activity/thought processes.

I do wish your husband and yourself kind thoughts in the meantime Lyn. We have many wonderful and kind people on here that will welcome you with open arms....Whenever you wish, you are more than welcome to come in to the BB Cafe for a cuppa..

We are here for you x

Paul

[geoff]

dear Lyn, welcome on board, you're 60 and I'm 61 great minds think alike as they say in the classics.
When we have depression and PTSD the trouble is that they linger on even though we feel as though we have overcome this illness, but there are times when we seem to bounce back and forward into depression and whether we want to call this by having a relapse is something that can go on and on, sometimes with some provocation and sometimes it just happens, but even though we may have all the support behind us will not stop it from happening.
I too have not experienced ECT although at one stage I asked my psychologist that by having it may help me, so I went to the hospital and then interviewed, but whatever was said put me off having it.
Do you feel as though you could have fallen is because of what has to happen to your husband, numbness in an arm and face, but can I asure you that he will so much better after his hip operation, because I've had 2 on the same side, where the first one I was tested on by having a 'hip resurface' which I didn't like from the start, but now have a total hip replacement which was never sore in hospital and only needed pain killers for the cut, anyhow it's great, so assure your husband not to worry.
Doctors now want to be paid upfront first and some of these costs are exorbitant because they know what they are doing, but you have to pay first and then claim back from Medicare but still out of pocket.
I can remember years ago my grandmother would always say 'wait until you get older the same will happen to you' but being young we never accepted what she said, and now 'the wind has changed' and so it's happening to us as we get older. Geoff. x

[topsy_]

Thanks Geoff & Paul for your replies. Actually Geoff I think this getting older thing has a lot to do with how I have been feeling in the past months. I don't mind the age bit per se but I don't like all the health hassles one little bit. Another control issue I think. Even though almost all those issues have been to do with my husband, they still effect me.

I face my husbands issues with him, but I have decided if I end up with health issues (other than in my head!) I'm not going through the health system rigmarole. If that means I die younger then so be it. Michael has so many health issues & is 4 years older than me, so logically he could die before me. Then there would really be not much point being alive. But it seems that way already actually.

I'm not contemplating suicide & I am safe, it's just life doesn't have much meaning. Sorry that sounds so useless, but that's just how it is atm.

[Guest_5218]

Hello Lyn.  I add my welcome to that of Geoff and Paul.

I'm 56 and I also have anxiety (specifically PTSD and OCD).  Plus mild depression which is generally associated with a chronic pain issue as a result of a long term back injury.

So I think I can understand some of what you are going through.  I too have had counselling / therapy, but only over the past 12 months since my ptsd (arising from an incident 20 years ago) was diagnosed.  I have tried meds for a brief period, which I didnt like and so ditched as soon as I was through the critical period.  But gosh, never the ECT treatment.  What an ordeal for you!  And yet it does sound as though it has brought some much needed relief to you at the time.  But it must be very frustrating for you with the loss of so many treasured memories. Unable to be brought back and thats sad.

Yes we do learn coping methods, and my sessions with my psych has helped a lot there.  But it seems that whenever the hard times come roaring back, just when we need them the most, they all seem to just fly out the window forgotten!  Its really hard....   I keep reminding myself then to just .......... breath............  Thats the simplest coping method I have, and when all else fails, its the most I can manage.

How lucky you are to have a caring family.  And a loving husband.  I'm really sorry that he is going through so many health issues right now.  My own husband has some of the same issues.  He has ptsd as a result of serving in Vietnam, has depression and has had a major health scare with cancer of the kidney a few years ago.  And as a result he needed to have a kidney removed.  Now his remaining kidney is functioning at only around 30%, same as your hubby.  So he is on a restricted diet for that.  And he has many of the other very common health issues such as gout, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and reflux.  What a pain getting old is!!!   My husband is extremely lucky in that his health costs are ZERO due to him having  a gold card from DVA.  I dont think he realises just how lucky he is.  Unfortunately I dont benefit at all.  So I know its really hard financially.  My Mum and Dad have high health care costs too and are only on a part pension. 

Lyn, do you have any pets?  Pets, especially dogs, can help reduce stress, anxiety, depression and loneliness. Caring for a pet also provides companionship and adds joy to our lives.  Worth thinking about.

I'd love to see you at the BB Cafe.

Stay safe

Sherie xx

[topsy_]

Hi Sherie, lovely to meet you. Thank you for writing to me. We do have a dog - a mini foxie named Abby. She is, & has been, the joy of our life. From her I have truly come to know what unconditional love is. Abby is 14.5yrs old though & because of a skin condition is on steroids permanently now. In these past few months she has aged so much. She finds it difficult, some days impossible to jump to the lounge or bed now. The day is getting closer when we will have to say goodbye. I'm trying not to dwell on that but I am giving her extra cuddles & telling her what she means to us.

We have an adopted cat. My daughter had 2 - both lovely cats but they absolutely hated each other. So we inherited one of them. I am a dog person really but this cat is lovely. Poor thing has to keep clear of Abby though. She has very determined ideas where the cats allowed to be - & when!!

I'm sorry your husband has so many health issues. I admire you both for coping with them. It's so stressful when all your time is taken up with medical tests & appointments. My husband would be devastated if his diet was restricted! He loves, adores & worships food!!! Neither of us smoke, gamble or drink - so our "hobby" is going out for morning teas etc. 

Thankyou for writing to me. I've been surprised to hear from people close to my own age. I always thought/hoped I'd have everything all worked out by now. I don't feel quite so alone now. It's like that old saying "a problem shared is a problem halved" (have I got that saying right?)

I look forward to corresponding again.

Cheers, Lyn.

[Guest_5218]

Thats great Lyn.  Pets do provide unconditional love to us and are totally non-judgemental.  They are great for our soul and our sense of well being.  I'm glad you have your little Abby.  I also have a mini foxie (x Chihuahau) whose name is Holly.  She is featured in my profile picture.  She is 7yo now and just the most adorable little dog you could ever hope for.  I'm sorry to hear that Abby's days are limited. It is always so devastating when the time comes where you are forced to make the humane decision to stop their suffering.  But it certainly sounds like she is being made to feel just how special she has been, and still is, to you and your hubby.  I had to make that decision with my previous little dog (whose name was Abbie) when she got really sick when she was only 13yo.  But memories of our time together still brings me pleasure, and I would not choose to give that up.

My husband is really hard to keep on the straight and narrow with regards to his diet restrictions.  Your hubby is probably similar in that he should steer clear of anything with high amounts of potassium and phospherus.  Unfortunately that includes red meat, most dairy foods, many fruits, leafy green veges, nuts, avocado and mushrooms.  Many of those are his favourite foods.  So I dont exclude them entirely, just restrict them as much as possible.  He is his own worst enemy regarding alcohol.  Simply put - he drinks too much. But thankfully he is not a smoker.  Unfortunately your hubby being a diabetic, it is probably one of the most common causes of renal failure or CKD.  So him being a non drinker or smoker is no protection unfortunately.

Its great that you can both still enjoying going out for your regular morning or afternoon teas, so I hope that continues.

Yes there are many people around our age here on the Forums.  Mental illness does not discriminate.  And yes I believe you have the saying right "a problem shared is a problem halved'. True!

Any time you feel like some light relief Lyn, check out the "Staying Well" section of the Forums.  I'd love to hear more about your dog Abby and also your cats, so I invite you to browse, and post if you'd like, to the "Pets - Helping you through tough times and keeping you well" thread.  And in the "Community Section", come along and introduce yourself to the "BB Cafe" crowd.  You will receive a very warm welcome there too.

You're never alone Lyn, there is always someone here anytime you need to talk or vent.

Sherie xx

[kelskels82]

Hi Yellownanna, sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Although I have not had the black dog by my side as long as you i have had him there for around 20 years and also experienced ECT. Just a very small thing but something that has helped me a little at times. I have come to accept that my black dog will be by my side throughout my life but that at times he will simply be a companion not causing me any problems. Other times when I am struggling I see him snapping at my heels or growling, or when things are really bad, riding on my back weighing me down and snapping at me. A bit silly I know but it does sometimes help to bring a smile to my face and remind me the black dog is to blame for how I am feeling and not any weakness or fault as a person. Sometimes he is even a friend reminding me to enjoy life during the better times. Take care and sending you good wishes