Inability to maintain adult friendships

[Just_tryingtobe]

Hi,

Hoping to share my situation and to seek advice on how to cope with the loss friendship/inability to maintain friendships as an adult.

I grew up in a family where mental health wasn’t discussed. If you were upset about something you were being silly or dramatic. 
I’ve always been incredibly shy, to the point of it being crippling as a child / teenager. Struggled with the ability to engage with people especially at the start of a friendship. I always cling to those I feel comfortable around which results in them pushing me away as being too much.

My inner critic is extreme, especially in times of stress. I don’t find I can cope if something negative happens in a relationship. I try to fix things things, but and put the blame on myself. My way of “fixing” things just results in pushing the person away further. I then get to the point where I completely shut down and shut off. I cut them out of my life. I question constantly if I have misread the situation, I’m called cold/ungrateful/difficult. 
In my late 20s/early 30s I went to a psychologist for the first time and was diagnosed with clinical depression, general anxiety disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder. There were things I learnt from this that have changed my life for the better but now at the age of 40 I feel in times of crisis I still can’t cope.

My inner critic ramps up and cripples me - no one likes you, you are worthless, you are unloved, you are an idiot, stupid, no one would even care if you died. Despite having CBT techniques, when the thoughts are this bad I can’t talk that negative voice down.

The thoughts race through my head like a whirlwind and I end up feeling emotionally exhausted.

Even as I type that voice is saying - you’re immature, grow up, stop being stupid.

Please help.. I am at a loss with how to deal with this and scared to go back to a professional as I feel silly.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Just_tryingtobe
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, we are so glad that you have made you way here and please know that it's absolutely not silly to reach out, it takes courage and we are glad you had the bravery to post.  We will also be reaching out to you privately to offer you some additional support this evening.
 
We can hear that you have be managing the best way that you can for a long time now and we can see how this has impacted upon your self-worth and ability to manage those unhelpful thoughts.  In contrast to this, it’s that you can reflect and acknowledge your learnings from past therapy, and hope that one day you will give yourself the credit you deserve for doing what you can to make things better.  We wonder if you are still engaged with any other health professional as quite often taking those steps to keep yourself safe can be an ongoing journey.  We encourage you to have a chat to your GP about how you are feeling, it may be that you can engage with a psychologist for alternative therapy, other than CBT so that you can begin to acknowledge the thoughts just that, thoughts and no reflection on the beautiful person that you are.
 
In the meantime, we would love for you to give one of our fully trained counsellors a call for some counselling support, we are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.

Thank you again for reaching out, we will leave you in the hands of our lovely community members who will be here on your thread soon. They’re an amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M

[smallwolf]

hello.

based on your post, there are some part that I can relate to.  The first part though I want to reply to is this... you are certainly stupid or being immature as you suggested in your post. A podcast I was listening to mentioned that speaking up like you have here requires strength. My own wording is similar in that to speak how you truly feel takes courage. 

And at this moment you are struggling. It''s OK to not be OK.

So if you feel that you need to go back to a professional for help, I don't think anyone would think you were silly.  I am aware there is a stigma associated with mental health issues. The professional would think you were brave for tackling it head on. This is something others said to me when they found out I was getting help. So this applies to you as well.

There are some other things I would like to reply to... but I can leave that for another post/reply. The inner critic can be mean, but do not define who you are.  Listening ... 

[Petal22]

Hi Just_tryingtobe,

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it’s hard.

Mental health conditions can be really hard to deal with especially when you have an inner dialogue that is very negative and when we identify with it it’s very draining and consuming.

I understand how debilitating anxiety, depression and obsessive compulsive disorder can be they can be unrelenting.

I have a lived experience of severe anxiety OCD this condition bought me to my knees it was the hardest thing I have ever been through.

I had alot of horrible intrusive thoughts these thoughts went against everything I stood for as person.

I did a certain therapy ( not CBT) and the therapy thought me so many skills and tools that I use in my every day life.

I was taught what my ocd cycle was and how to recognise it and then how to disengage from it.

I use to question and analyse my thoughts.

Do you think you do this?

I was constantly stuck in my head.

Do you feel stuck in your head?

Through a meditation I did through therapy I learned that I wasn’t my thoughts at all I was the watcher of my thoughts.

I learned how to change my reaction to my thoughts.

and the most amazing thing that I also learned was that what we give attention to we give power to.

So I took away OCD s only power…… “ my attention “…. ( it takes practice)….

I have now recovered.

Health professionals taught me so much and I believe you can learn so much aswell, you just need to find a therapy that works for you.

You are not silly and a health professional won’t think that at all.

You really can learn how to break free of the thoughts that are holding you captive in your own mind.

I believe that once you can break free of the cycle in your mind then you can just let the real you shine through.

The real you is under all of the mental turmoil and this person is waiting to be revealed.

and once this person is born you will never feel the need to question yourself again .

Please feel free to come back to us.

[geoff]

Hello Just_tryingtobe, one problem with maintaining adult friendship's is that we are often frightened of being told that there is nothing wrong with you, while in fact, there is a great concern that you have regarding how you are feeling and to be told that everything is OK may dishearten and weaken any connection.

It's the same when you are struggling with OCD, people say 'why do you have to check the door lock again, you just did it', and when this does happen, you tend to shy away from that person.

The same happens with negative thoughts and because you have this illness, it's just like having to check the lock, it's not so easy to dismiss these negative thoughts because intrusive thoughts begin to dominate your thinking.

May be you could ask your psychologist to concentrate on dealing with your intrusive thoughts, then this may enable you to take that next step forward.

Please let us know how you get on.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Just_tryingtobe]

Thank you for your support. I am safe, I have a good supportive husband and two beautiful children.

I don’t currently have a professional I’m speaking to. My current GP isn’t very supportive of mental health issues. I feel brushed off and she has basically said it’s just every day life which just makes me feel like my issues are trivial.

I know I need to seek out extra help but it’s scary. There is a stigma around mental health and I don’t want to feel like people are laughing at me if that makes sense?

[Just_tryingtobe]

Thank you for your support x

[ecomama]

Dear Just Trying to be, 

Your initial post was so well written and self explanatory. You have a great way with words! Kudos to you. 

I also saw that you gained a lot from having a therapist in your late 20s / early 30s. That's awesome! 

For some of us, we will need MH support for a long duration of our lives and it's something to be proud of ourselves about! Sensing we need this support, finding therapists, attending sessions and putting as much in to practice as possible from what we learned is paramount to everything. 

We can also learn so much from others online or from books. 

If I could use the analogy of someone who grew up in severe poverty... this child learnt only about poverty in all it's scary forms. Their childhood was saturated with it. 
Then as this child grew up, they saw other ways of thinking, other ways of living. 

Then made a conscious decision to do everything they could to seek a different path. 
Talking with others, observing others, asking for help & advice all the way, making firm decisions and sticking with them. 
All the while trying to leave the poverty thinking behind.

But in my case, at least, it's never completely left behind. 
Same with our FOO issues. 

What we CAN do is what we've done countless times before to improve our way of thinking, catch those thoughts and change them at every given opportunity. 

Giving up has never been an option for me, although criticisms were said directly to me. In the end "they" were all wrong. 
You've not given up, you're here, seeking answers, keep going, you're on the right track. 

Love EM

[Petal22]

That’s ok Just tryingtobeme,

Im happy to hear you are safe and have a supportive husband and two beautiful children because having this can help you to go a long way.

Im sorry that your gp has said to you what she has, this must have felt very invalidating.

I encourage you to find a different gp because they all don’t view the same perceptions.

I understand it’s very scary when we think about seeing a health professional because we have things inside of us that we view as very scary and opening up about them to a health professional can bring on more anxious thoughts……. What if?

In my case when I first thought about opening up I was terrified of what would happen to me……

( In my case I had alot of intrusive thoughts about my loved ones and myself)…

My anxiety would tell me if I opened up about them I’d be thrown in jail or a mental  institution I also had fears that my children would be taken off me due to these horrible intrusive thoughts…. This fear ran deep…

BUT then I thought if I can’t open up about what’s really happening inside me internally then how am I going to get better?

I took the plunge and opened up and it was the BEST thing I ever did….. because these amazing health professionals helped me and lead me to recovery.

None of my horrible intrusive thoughts came true the opposite happened I was lead to a path of wellness.

I understand that it’s scary and yes stigma is involved but that’s part of our job to try to reduce this stigma in our community so more people can feel at ease in asking for professional help so they too can lead a life that’s free of their internal conflicts.

You have the power in YOU to reach out for professional help so you too can be lead on a path towards recovery.

Sometimes when we take the step the first to greet us will be fear nod and keep on walking.

We are here as a community to support you please reach out to us anytime.

[therising]

Hi Just_tryingtobe

I've found 3 major challenges in life can involve

1. How to successfully develop managing inner dialogue
2. How to successfully develop managing emotions and
3. How to successfully develop managing sensitivity (the ability of sensing)

I still haven't found anyone in life who was taught such skills when they were young. That's kind of messed up when you think about it, the fact we can go through our younger years and a number of our adult years without such an important education. Not having the education and skills can become intolerable. We know when we've reached that point based on us suffering so much. High 5 to you for having already set out in developing greater self understanding and skills in your late 20s/early 30s.

If I was to say 'I think I have this inner dialogue business, emotional stuff and sensitivity mastered', I imagine the powers that be laughing uncontrollably, while stating 'Not even close, sister! You're well on your way but you're definitely no master at this point'. I think, as long as life throws challenges our way (to develop through), there will always be new skills and new levels of self understanding to be learned about and mastered.

How to manage getting the inner critic to shut up while channeling another more constructive aspect of self is a massive challenge. How to manage emotions through identifying what the emotional charge is in relation to, where in the body the charge is felt, how it moves through the body and how to use it for motivation or shut it down is another challenge. How to sense productively, so our sensitivity feels more like an ability than a curse is yet another. To be able to constructively feel our way through life is perhaps one of the greatest challenges of all.