Hello ta_na,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for having the courage to reach out for help. I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time, many of us here can relate to much of what you have described. The first thing that I want to impress upon you is that having mental health struggles does not make you weak or stupid, for some it is just a part of being human, so you need to stop being hard on yourself which will only make you feel worse than you already do. I am now in my 60s and have been dealing with depression since about the age of 12 so I feel I can give you support and suggestions on how to move forward. Something I wish someone had explained to me when I was young is that you were not born feeling this way, you have become programmed into feeling this way. From the time we are very young, we are influenced by everyone around us, family, friends, teachers, etc. A number of things in your post say a lot about why you feel this way, you are 21 which is technically an adult, but without life experience or wisdom to direct you. You said that your family looks down on you for not living up to the standards that they expect. That in itself would lead you to feel inadequate and lose your sense of self-esteem and self-worth. But this is your life and the expectations that matter most are your own expectations. So putting aside what people have told you in the past, what do you want for your life?
What do you truly think about yourself? What are your best qualities? What would make you light up from inside if you were to try it? Could be any number of things, working with animals, studying music, studying art, studying health and wellness, etc. Try to find the real you that lies beneath all that programming because finding work is not just about making money to survive, it is also about being who you were meant to be and making a contribution to the world you live in. Love does not come from outside of you, it comes from inside of you, you are and have always been worthy of love, but you have not learned to love yourself yet. That is what I am trying to help you understand. The next thing I would like to suggest, given that you have social anxiety, is to reach out to the beyond blue help line and ask what your options are in respect to getting some counselling via zoom. You will most likely need to see a GP in person to get a referral but if you can do some counselling online it will take the pressure off your anxiety. Only you can help you feel better by taking the steps to make it happen and deciding you are worth it. Come back and post again whenever you need to, you will be supported and you are not alone.
Sending you a big hug,
indigo22
