im so alone
for the past 6 years i have been alone, i have terrible social anxiety and can’t bring myself to see a therapist. i don’t leave my house and i am 21 and still yet to get a job. the only people i interact with other then the very select few i speak with online is my mum, brother and grandma. i don’t tell them or anybody about how i truely feel because it makes me feel weak and stupid, we have never had any conversations about mental health or anything like that and i just can’t bring myself to say something. i find temporary happiness in having a “relationship” that deep down i know will never work but i do it anyway, just to feel loved. i don’t often get upset and i am able to entertain myself most days but it’s getting to be too hard. im in a small town in the middle of nowhere and no license so even if i did have the courage to go meet new people i can’t. my family looks down on me for not living up to the standards that they expect. i just don’t know where to go from here, i want to talk to somebody or get on medication or something but i just can’t do it.
Welcome to the forum and thank you for having the courage to reach out for help. I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time, many of us here can relate to much of what you have described. The first thing that I want to impress upon you is that having mental health struggles does not make you weak or stupid, for some it is just a part of being human, so you need to stop being hard on yourself which will only make you feel worse than you already do. I am now in my 60s and have been dealing with depression since about the age of 12 so I feel I can give you support and suggestions on how to move forward. Something I wish someone had explained to me when I was young is that you were not born feeling this way, you have become programmed into feeling this way. From the time we are very young, we are influenced by everyone around us, family, friends, teachers, etc. A number of things in your post say a lot about why you feel this way, you are 21 which is technically an adult, but without life experience or wisdom to direct you. You said that your family looks down on you for not living up to the standards that they expect. That in itself would lead you to feel inadequate and lose your sense of self-esteem and self-worth. But this is your life and the expectations that matter most are your own expectations. So putting aside what people have told you in the past, what do you want for your life?
What do you truly think about yourself? What are your best qualities? What would make you light up from inside if you were to try it? Could be any number of things, working with animals, studying music, studying art, studying health and wellness, etc. Try to find the real you that lies beneath all that programming because finding work is not just about making money to survive, it is also about being who you were meant to be and making a contribution to the world you live in. Love does not come from outside of you, it comes from inside of you, you are and have always been worthy of love, but you have not learned to love yourself yet. That is what I am trying to help you understand. The next thing I would like to suggest, given that you have social anxiety, is to reach out to the beyond blue help line and ask what your options are in respect to getting some counselling via zoom. You will most likely need to see a GP in person to get a referral but if you can do some counselling online it will take the pressure off your anxiety. Only you can help you feel better by taking the steps to make it happen and deciding you are worth it. Come back and post again whenever you need to, you will be supported and you are not alone.
Sending you a big hug,
I am sorry to hear you are experiencing this. I am also 21, so I know how frustrating it can feel to be socially isolated. It is hard to reach out for help at first, but I promise you it is so worth it. If you are able to get to your GP and explain to them what is going on, that might really help you. Once you can get the anxiety under control, everything else will slowly follow (confidence to get a job, friendships etc.), it's all connected.
It will get better. My anxiety was really helped once i was able to see a psychologist, and now i rarely experience it. as indigo22 said, you can also reach out to beyond blue and see what their recommendations are. the telehealth idea is really excellent as you said you are unable to drive, and it might take some of the social anxiety out of going into a doctor's clinic etc. i would recommend trying this, if possible.
i hope things improve soon,
I'm sorry to hear you feel so alone and are also physically quite distant from other people. But I also just wanted to offer a friendly, "good on you!", for coming onto these forums to speak to us. It's okay if you are anxious and don't feel like you can go to see a therapist just yet. It sounds like there may be a few barriers and maybe a few smaller conversations that could happen first and help you. Have you considered speaking to the BeyondBlue support line on the phone? It could even just be a very light call. There is no pressure to say anything you don't feel comfortable saying, and is a safe place to explore how you can express yourself.