I will always be a sad man

[Gjorggan]

I have had depression for 8 years on and off and I am 21 years old, only last year I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and I have been off medication since Christmas. I dropped out of my degree, moved back home and now I work full time. I have come to think I will never be really happy again. The strangest thing is that I am okay with that, I wake up angry, frustrated and down right miserable buts its been so long that its just another day for me, I don't expect anyone to understand it. But its who I am now. In public and at work, I put on the mask, I smile, socialise and I am a very polite person to most people. Some afternoons I go to gym for an hour (5 times a week) I get home, make dinner, eat, go to my room I try to go to sleep its hard for me to sleep but eventually I do. Its just another day tomorrow I tell myself. I eat healthy I exercise often, but at the end of every day I struggle to keep myself from screaming and crying. Is it just who I am? I have no idea but its my life now. I will always be a sad man.

[Croix]

Dear Gjorggan~

Welcome here to the Forum, I don't think you are alone in feeling as you do, depression takes over and kills the joy and enjoyment in life, leaving just the dregs. A familiar state, as too is that mask, showing the world a part of you that you believe to be a lie.

Thinking that is all that remains in your future life is sad, and I honestly think incorrect. I look at myself and know if I can reach a place with love, occupation, accomplishment and enjoyment others most probably can too. I was a mess. I too dropped out of uni the first time.

May I ask why you stopped medication? Exercise and occupation is good, however not always enough, and from the sound of it does not help you as it should. I needed medical support, therapy, meds and even hospitalization, but it has worked. I've has the same regimen for many years now, little side effects, much benefit. Mind you it took a lot of trial and effort to get here.

Looking back I'm not sure that everyday mask was such a good thing. True it was social 'oil'. No awkward questions, embarrassment or fending of well-meaning silly suggestions, but it increased my isolation. That in turn made me rely upon my own skewed view of the world too much. (I hope all that makes some sort of sense to you)

Would you like to come back and talk some more?

Croix

[Gjorggan]

To Croix
I appreciated your response, really I did. It made me reflect on myself. I am not some self absorbed person I know and understand there are many people like me out there. I don't necessarily want to talk to them but I know they are there. Why did you go back? Did you return once you were better/happier? Or did you go back to make yourself happier?

I stopped my medication, because I was embarrassed worn out, the feeling it gave me was artificial, the feeling of not joy or happiness but numbness, I guess I was expecting something else from the medication. Also when I quit uni, I moved back to my hometown, which is a rural community very quiet and isolated not so noisy. I moved away from my GP. and out here nothing is a secret. so i am avoiding embarrassment.

I am a very self aware person, I know what I am doing. I have taken steps to try to get better but after so long its so ingrained in me that I feel this way and that all of my adolescent and so far adult life its all I have known with few and far breaks in between.

[Croix]

Dear Gjorggan~

Thanks for coming back and talking more. I too live in a small country town and I expect the gossips will have me pegged. I can't say I care that much any more. I used to, but the worry about it sort of wore off (the mind finds plenty of other things to worry about:)

Actually most of the people I know have basically been sympathetic. I do think attitudes are changing, even a bit in conservative rural committees.

I've been on meds that have the effect you are talking about. It took a long time with a lot of trial and error but the ones I'm on now are good, little side effects and I feel as I should - not damped down at all. I did not improve at all until I stared therapy plus meds, and as I say, did not get to my current good state for a fair while.

Why did I go back? Well, I was invalided out of my occupation, and in a very bad state. My partner persuaded to give study a try, and it worked. Not easy at all to start with but I got there and later had a new career as a result.

It is very easy to lose perspective when you have been down for so long, and one can get to doubt that you even have the potential for happiness and accomplishment. All I can say is I was a total mess and now I'm not

Croix