I thought I was through the worst of it, but I feel like I am about to slip backwards...

[Wild_]

Hi,

I'm new here. I have depression. I feel that there is not one person in my life that understands how I feel, and why I can't just "get over it."   So here I am - now surrounded by you, who understands. So first of all, thanks.  

Quick background. My depression became significantly worse about 8-10 months ago.  I was at a workplace with a toxic culture where I was the new person, and the hierarchy said that I should be told I wasn't good enough for years before I got a permanent job (I was on very short term contracts).  I know its not personal, its just the industry, but I couldn't keep taking the rejections and the negativity, but I definitely couldn't make it known to those at work, so I slid.  I slid into a depression where I hated going to work.  I was constantly told that I should be happy because, after all, I had the dream job.  

 My boyfriend at the time kept saying he understood, but in reality he had no idea.  If I was having a bad day, he would say that I'm inconsiderate because I'm not thinking about how he feels when I'm being difficult.  I loved him, so of course, I told myself that it was my fault.  I told myself that he was really supportive, because at times he did try and make me feel better, but in the long run, it wasn't good for me at all.  

I have two close friends.  One is extremely kind and although she hasn't had depression so doesn't fully understand, she is always willing to listen .  The other one is very judgemental about mental illness (I watched how she treated another friend with severe depression), so I don't really talk to her about this.  I do have one other friend who suffers from anxiety who I am very grateful for.  But these friendships have their limits.

Fast forward.  I am feeling better than 4 months ago, but I know I'm not there yet.  The short-term contract work-I am now without a contract (no guarantees when the next contract will be), living in a home with a controlling sister (who does not understand depression, and unfortunately not willing to try), and a mum who has had mental health issues for 20+ years (who understands, however imagine us if we both have really bad days on the same day).  I can't leave because I don't have a stable income.

I am terrified that too much time home alone will allow me to get in my own head.  To spiral backwards.  To slip back into day-in, day-out, curled up on the couch feeling completely worthless.  There are things to do, but I'm finding it hard to motivate myself.

[White_Rose]

Dear Wild

Hello and welcome. Thanks for telling us about yourself.  I hope we can support you.

First of all, do you take any antidepressants? Not everyone with depression needs these but I suggest you check it out with your GP.  And have you considered counselling at all. Please excuse me if you already have these things in place.

One of the most frequent comments on BB is that no one understand depression until they have been there. And generally I think this is true. It is so very hard to describe and often our descriptions sound like excuses or something we can just shrug off. So don't be too hard on the BF. Have a look around the site and get of the literature available here. Download it or send for hard copies. Maybe the BF/sister/friend will start to understand how hard it is for you.

I also wonder if your sister is a bit scared of any mental illness. Having mom and sister with depression or another illness could be quite scary and maybe she worries she will also develop a mental illness. And she has of course watched both of you struggle.

I'm not sure what you do in your work so I have no suggestions here except for trying a different job where your qualifications will be useful and you can get permanent work.

Re the BF. If you get some information from BB, especially in hard copy and ask him to read it. I would think if he cared for you he would be willing to try and understand. If not, then maybe you need to consider your options about him.

Staying at home and spiraling downwards is a very real possibility when we are already depressed and have nothing to do. May I make a couple of suggestions? Look around for one or more hobbies.  There are so many activities available that I am sure you will find something you enjoy. It's this sort of thing that feeds the soul and heart and helps us manage the other parts of our lives that are not so kind. The other suggestion is to do something for others. This brings different rewards but just as valuable.

Look for organisations in your area that need volunteers for their various aims. How are you with people in retirement homes? Can you one or two people. Doesn't matter what you do so long as it comes from your heart. That will help when you are between jobs. Oh and you can also explore other options for work.

Please let me know if any of this helps.

Mary

[Wild_]

Hi Mary, 

Thank you for responding, I appreciate it.  

To answer your questions...

- Yes, I see a psychologist, and it has helped, but I'm sure we all know that it does not fix everything.  I am reluctant to take antidepressants as I am aware that it does change the way you are around people, and am concerned that I may not be able to come off them easily.

- I am no longer with the BF I was with.  Rest assured that I did try many ways for him to understand, and he did listen/read resources, I definitely feel that it was the right decision to break up with him. 

- Very good point about my sister.  It has been hard for me to wrap my head around how she rationalises her decisions around this topic, but perhaps what you said is a part of it.  I will definitely look for some resources here to send her way.

- I would love to do some hobbies, and am slowly doing more (I used to do a lot), but I'm finding it hard because a lot of them cost money.  Any suggestions re: free group-based hobbies? 

- Volunteering has been a part of my life.  My mum actually runs an volunteer-run organisation (in my field) at home so I'm constantly doing volunteer work at home, and also training volunteers that come here to help.  I have wondered whether going somewhere else to volunteer would help, however I have found it hard to rationalise when I know there is so much volunteer work needed right at my doorstep (literally). 

- Work - I am exploring other options.  It is a great risk because I did work very hard to get where I am now.  On the upside, I am young and have plenty of time/opportunity to change things/pursue different lines of work.

 I just don't know how to get out of this rut.  I don't know what the best step is going forward, to make sure I'm moving forward and not backwards. I put on a face for people when I am meeting friends or in public, or maybe I just feel a little better.  But for example, today, I am locked in my room at home while my mum (having a bad day) is doing things around the house, yelling/swearing (she has chronic pain so this is a bit of a coping mechanism for her), while my sister is fighting with her (funnily enough about depression-triggered issues).  

[Starwolf]

Hello Wild,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are right, many of us will relate to what you are going through. Your contribution is much appreciated.

Your post doesn't say if you are currently following a health plan to help manage depression. If you are, your boyfriend could be given the opportunity to learn about this illness via a professional or at least medical literature. He could also learn what he can do to ease the pain. When too close to the bone, info is better accepted if it comes from a knowledgeable outsider. Not many people know about mental/emotional issues. Unfortunately, they are often perceived as weakness of character, not an illness. Not having a clue what to do, those supposed to be our nearest and dearest often do/say unhelpful things, adding to the feeling of social isolation.

Being a chronic illness, it is in the nature of depression to come and go. The fear of slipping back often hastens its return. Speaking to a GP (or your therapist if you have one) would help pause/manage the process. You have done remarkably well to regain control in the past but it seems job related issues acted as trigger. Your living arrangements are also not ideal, particularly if they're unavoidable. You are well aware of the necessity to get out of your head as much as you can. Going out, doing things you enjoy and that can claim your focus will be beneficial. So would minimizing contact with those who don't understand. Keeping busy elsewhere would explain this temporary unavailability without hurting feelings. We all need a break from usual routine sometimes. And yes, depression erodes motivation but the first step is often the most difficult though it is a worthwhile effort. There may be activities, a movie, an outing you could be tempted into...well worth a try.

And of course, posting here is a great idea whenever you need  reassurance that you are understood, cared for and supported. There's also a lot happening in the Community Board threads, something for everyone... a Poets Corner, mock competitions, a Pet's, Corner, Walking Group, even a Cafe etc...all places where you can socialize and chat about all sorts of subjects other than mental health issues if you feel so inclined.

I hope you will keep posting and let us know how things unfold.

I wish you peace of mind.

[White_Rose]

Hello Wild

Good to hear from you and to know you have some mechanisms in place. Antidepressants can be a mixed blessing. I found almost every AD I took had horrendous side effects and the psych could not prescribe what he called a therapeutic dose because of these effects. So in some ways I had the worst of both worlds. I have now changed to tricyclic ADs which were the first ADs on the market. They help me and have NO side effects. I am so pleased about this. But for all sorts of reasons ADs are not for everyone.

Psychs can be a great help but as you say, it's up to us to do the work. BF can be great but sometimes not meant to be. Sad but you will cope.

Hobbies can be expensive. I read a great deal and buy so many books because they are so beautifully presented and bound. However, a cheap alternative is your local library or second hand bookshops. Also look around for a book club to join. Again the library may be able to put you in touch with one or start your own. I embroider and scrapbook, but they are expensive if you get carried away with them. I meditate at home daily and am a member of a meditation group. Depends on your group whether or not there are costs.

A healthy hobby is walking, especially in a group. Just wear your walking shoes. Usually free. My local council actively encourages these types of activities. Also Tai Chi in the park, free. In between jobs you could find people who need their dogs exercised and will pay you to take the dogs for walks. Several dogs at a time, get healthy and be paid for it.

Volunteering is great as you no doubt have found. Helping out with your mom's group sounds good. I would encourage you to find other opportunities as well to get you away from the house. If I am at home for more than one day I get quite twitchy. Nothing wrong with my home, I live alone, just that's it's good to be with other people. That's one of the benefits of going to work. There is interaction with others but at the end of the day you can leave it behind and do something else.

I have been researching my family history for a while. I find it fascinating. It can get expensive but there are so many free web sites that you can do lots of research without a great outlay. Have you ever thought of writing? Your biography, a novel, poetry? I learned to write poetry in the Japanese Haiku style. I find it very satisfying. Each poem is three lines and 17 syllables distributed as 5/7/5 syllables. It's harder than I thought but great to do.

Out of words.

Mary

[Wild_]

Thank you Starwolf for your response and your time to write it. 

I split from my ex-boyfriend a few months back, but I guess I mentioned him in my recap because he was quite involved for the first 6 months of my depression.  I truly hope he has learnt from his experience with my depression for the sake of others he may encounter.  

Thanks for the encouragement to get out of the house and keep busy.  I have found that it is the first step that I find the hardest - I guess thats where having a group who may be relying on your presence elsewhere may help.  I'll definitely look into walking groups around my area and perhaps some other community activities. 

I really do appreciate your time to respond.  This online forum has really helped - even just in the act of signing up.  I feel like I am surrounded by those who really understand what I mean when I say certain things.  

[Wild_]

Hi again White Rose,

 Thanks for the suggestions - so many I hadn't really thought about.  I will definitely look into local and free groups around, hopefully there is something. I would like to learn another language one day...

 Lately I've been scheduling meets with friends (usually one at a time) and make sure they are nicely spaced so I have to get out of the house at least once a day.  I've found it to be serving its purpose, but meeting new people would definitely help me I think. 

Japanese poetry sounds fascinating and difficult! All the best with it, and would love to hear a translated version of one you have written. 

[White_Rose]

Just a quick reply Wild.  I write in English. No idea of speaking Japanese.

Here are a couple of my verses.

On a white winter rock,
Gecko basks in warm delight,
Head up to hail the sun.

Sunlight makes jewels
From small suspended raindrops.
Nature decked to please.

I hope they made a good mind picture for you.

Mary