I should be feeling happy and excited

[MisterM]

I got accepted into uni, I was excited when I applied, when I got an email to say I got accepted I felt enormous dread.
I am feeling very down at the moment.
I can't understand why.

[ci]

Hi misterm

Just went through the same thing so excited to be accepted  but very quickly turned to fear of am I going to cope? I've just enrolled days ago and feeling strange ever since I think it's the worry of will I be well enough? Do you think that is the case for you?

I think it's a normal response for someone dealing with depression  or anxiety.

[MisterM]

Hi ci,

Thank you for replying.
Yeah I feel so anxious now since I got offered a place and accepted.
I have not slept well lately, last night I slept okay but I still feel like I have not and feel run down with dry eyes.
Yeah I am fearing failure, not being able to cope with study, fear that my depression and anxiety will impact on my study and as I will be going off my SSRI medication soon I fear feeling unwell due to withdrawing during the start of uni in a months time.
I had another big stressor which I posted in relationships/family issue section which I cleared up today.
I am fearing the big HECS debt, will it be worth the debt? Will I get a job after graduating? Will I make it as a teacher?
I have also been stressing what my sister and brother in law think about me choosing teaching as a career. My sister always doubts my career choices are for me and I can picture her putting me down as she sees me as a shy, low on confidence, weak, stupid guy with mental health issues.
I was so worried I texted my BIL to ask him does he think teaching will be for me.
Also, the stress of meeting new people especially during orientation day.
I will be one of the oldest at 31 years of age.
I always get funny looks and quizzes about being single at my age and never having married, I fear people thinking something is wrong with me if I have never had a girlfriend at my age and not being able to drink alcohol due to medication.

[hope4joy]

Hi MisterM and ci,

I started uni last year and will commence second year in about a month. I too was filled with absolute dread before starting - I wanted to bail - I thought I couldn't cope. Then when I started I not long after realised I had found something very special - studies that were important to me and a place I belonged. I've actually gotten quite depressed over summer because uni has been on vacation!

I also relate to depression taking my joy and pleasure away - sometimes I do something I used to love but the colour has drained out of it. I think that choosing to stop something or not go ahead with plans is best made when one feels well - as when depressed one's judgement is clouded. I applied to go on student exchange and have been accepted - it took a lot of hard work - and I was really excited when I applied - but since then my mood dropped and I'm a mix of terrified and uninterested. But at the same time I know it is important to me and has lots of possible benefits so i'm following it through. I'm also making enquiries to ensure i've got support when i need it. Most unis have great counselling services - at mine it is free to access. So maybe you could get some extra support to help with uni? Or do you have other supports in your life? MisterM? and ci?

Kind wishes to you both,

and congratulations for getting in!!!

Christina 

[ci]

Misterm you sound like you know what you want to do and teaching is it. There are so many anxious kids out there I'm  sure a teacher  that understands what they going through is a great thing. 

Every teacher is different I  have 3 kids and have come across a few with anxiety they not been great at talking to parents but have been great teachers that's what counts.

Mental health issues can make relationships hard I  have a family member that is your age never had a relationship due to not wanting to put his issues onto someone else it's probably more common than you think.

I am 34 pm get your worries about being older at uni but to my surprise there is a lot of people older than me so don't feel funny about that so many people go  back to uni at different stages in life.

I don't drink either after having alcoholic mum and having mental health issues I steer clear of drinking and people do find it strange but that's there issue not mine. Enjoy uni be proud you got accepted and you never know you might meet someone with similar interests while you there. 

[Elizabeth CP]

Congratulations on being accepted into uni. Being accepted means you have all the qualifications to be able to succeed so that is a positive. People who are over confident are the ones who often don't try and fail so that is another positive. There are a lot of people who go to uni when they are older I was 50 when I went back and there were quite a few 30 year olds in my course and most were single. 

I don't drink alcohol as I don't like the taste or the feeling it gives me so when I'm offered a drink I usually say ýes I'd love some orange juice or lemon squash (or whatever I feel like) as I don't drink alcohol'. This works well for me as I get what I want while still appearing sociable.

You mentioned about being concerned about your sister''s opinion. When I had my first baby and was struggling a good friend said that I would get lots of conflicting advice from people trying to help. To manage this she suggested picking one or two people who I believed were good parents and then listen to their advice and ignore everyone else. I think this can apply to any form of advice. I have never relied on my brother or sister for career advice because although they know me well they don't know all my inner feelings and motivations and they are certainly not trained as career counsellors.  

Good luck with your course and as others mentioned make sure you seek help for your mental health issues during the course as soon as issues surface so you can stay as well as possible and give yourself the best chance of success.

[hope4joy]

Hi MisterM, 

In some ways it is hard being older at uni - i'm 35 and lots of people in my course were 17 or 18 at the start. But I found we all had something in common (our course) and this connected us and i've made some good friends - albeit they are much younger. While it is tricky being the older one there are also advantages in that I value the study, feel more confident that I'm doing something i'm passionate about, and just general life skills to navigate the course. I've had difficult mental health the whole year bit found with my ongoing support it was do-able. It is possible to get extensions due to illness, and there are lots of support services on campus. At least that's how it is on my campus and maybe yours too. As to being older and single - well I hate it, but its just where i'm at. I haven't felt judged by anyone at uni though - its not come up as something to be ashamed of. Sadly I find it is myself that is my harshest critic.

Kind wishes, Christina 

[MisterM]

Thank you all for your posts of support, much appreciated.

To answer your questions:

hope4joy - My uni has a counselors available by appointment or drop in. And they offer extensions. There is an orientation day info session I've booked into about what to do if illness gets in the way of study. I have my best friend and BIL for support, and one of my sisters. They may not understand my emotions like I do but I can talk to them and get feedback.
In a uni video I watched as part of my orientation there is a teaching student talking in the video and she appears to be in her late 30's - early to mid 40's. So I guess that made me feel better.
There is an orientation week event for mature age students to meet and have lunch, I haven't booked in as I am very shy.
By the way I've already completed uni, 10 years ago, so I have been there done that but this time I fear failure more than ever as I am older and have been in limbo and unemployed.

ci - I keep asking myself am I sure I want to do this, I can see myself as a teacher and have been told by people they can see me as a teacher. My niece told me I'm a good teacher as I took her for a driving lesson.

Elizabeth - My previous degree put my ranking higher so I got in that way which was good. I feel embarrassed as I know my sister would be putting me down saying I am not suited to be a teacher. My friend has given me support and told me to ignore the doubters and go for it.

[hope4joy]

Hi MisterM,

its nice to pop back here and see your reply, thanks for answering our questions. This is also my second degree - i graduated from my first one in 2003. Gee how time flies! And it such a different experience to the first time around. Back then everyone in my friendship group went to uni, thats just what one did, so i did too. My sister suggested i take a gap year to try to figure out what i wanted to do but my dad disagreed and said i'd end up on the streets if i did that. I had a huge passion to try to save the developing world so i studied science - agriculture. I wasn't suited to it at all! I mean i could do well but it wasn't where my passion lay. I've always loved art and that is what i've gone back to uni to do. And its terrifying. I don't know what employment i will secure at the end. I've had very good salaries before and i don't know if i will see them again. I fear not being good enough. I fear being deluded about my talent. I fear not having the confidence to follow through with art as i will in a sense be self employed. But you know what MisterM, this is my passion. This is what I want to do. This is the only way I know how to move forward with my life right now. So this is what is most important to me. Sorry if i sound preachy or a bit intense but I was just watching an interview with Elizabeth Gilbert (author of eat, pray, love) and she gives such good advice about how to follow your dreams and how to deal with creative failure and success. I have let fear stop me doing so many things in the past and i pray that this time around i have the courage to keep moving forward despite the fear.

Its wonderful MisterM that people have said you'll make a great teacher. Given that you're willing to go back and study as a mature age student I think they're right - you're committed and interested in teaching and i think you'll do well at it. My experience is that i normally regret the things that i don't try, not the things that i do try. I'm really happy to hear that you're starting this new journey and that you have support here and in person on the way. What level do you hope to teach? And any particular subjects? Will you teach material from your first degree? Urban or rural schools?

Kind wishes, Christina 

[MisterM]

Hi Christina,

Thank you for getting back to me.
I am studying for secondary to teach English, literature and psychology.
I might be able to teach business as I have a degree in Business.
As I live in the city I hope to find a job in the suburbs not too far from home.
My passion is music, I write songs and perform sometimes but it won't pay the bills and I don't want to do it for money but for the love of it. As a release, as a hobby.
I kind of feel torn as I know being back in study soon will mean less time for music and once I work as a teacher I will be busy and not have much time for music. I feel like being an artist is part of who I am and I will be spending much less time on it now. It's the sad fact that I have bills to pay and need a good income to move out of home where it is not a happy place for me to live.
I feel like 'gee am I doing the right thing here if music is my love'.
I don't want to work in music i.e. engineer/producer, I want to be strictly an artist.
I wouldn't say teaching is my passion, it's just the only thing I can see myself doing.
And I know I need to be committed and care as I have kids futures in my hands.
I have been in the corporate world too long to know I don't want to do it until I retire.