I really hate myself... i know its not right

[Peppersgreen]

Hello all,

Thank you for reading this.

I am so depressed all the time and I dont know how to stop it. I am not happy with anything, even though some people around me wouldn't agree with it. My life is not too bad compared to many people's out there. However I just feel lonely, negative, exhausted all the time. Seriously My chest always feels so tight, and I can feel the heat inside it. Sometimes I can't even breath...

I dont know where to start... but I feel like I am such a horrible person to my family. I bring them stresses and worries and headaches and burdens. It's reallh hard to make my family understand me, everytime I try to talk about it, my husband and I end up in arguments.. and I am just speechless. I have nothing to say and feel like im back in the corner again. My husband isn't abusive by the way. It's me who has the problem. I dont know... I am just lost and very very very tired... i feel like giving.

You know that feeling when you walk outside, you have to be positive, happy, energetic.. be a go getter one... Just so you can survive.. to blend in this world.

once I get home.. I just hatred my real self...

[james1]

Hello Peppersgreen,

Welcome to the forums. it is nice to meet you here.

I am sorry to hear you are depressed and do not know how to stop it. It is really tough to deal with depression and it sounds like you are feeling really bad about yourself and feel really lonely as well.

One of the worst things when I was depressed a few years ago was that I also thought I was just a burden to family and friends, and that nobody understood me. But when I started talking to people, I found out that I wasn't the only one who felt that way and I learned that, actually, there was more to life and more to me than what I could feel at the time.

So I just wanted to reassure you that I absolutely understand what you are saying, and I hope you can find some way to communicate with your family just how you feel.

May I ask if you have any friends who do understand, or if you've ever considered talking to a health professional like a GP?

James

[Guest_1643]

hey pepper

reading ur post i just thought "it's okay to feel what you feel"

I think sometimes we gaslight ourselves, deny our feelings... we think we have no right to feel them

feelings have wisdom. if you feel really sad, there is reason and it's okay to feel that way.

if you hate yourself - i you hate a part of your life - that's okay. we can hear that here. we don't need to only read or hear from only positive ppl

it's normal and okay, whatever your feeling

I recommend looking into Acceptance Commitment therapy, which is about making room for the feelings...

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Peppersgreen..

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums..

I am also sorry that your struggling so much with depression....

Depression tell us lies..try’s to make us not like ourselves..and takes away from us our joy, happiness, peace from our lives and so very much more...

It really is hard to know how to stop all the unhealthy thoughts that depression throws at us....

I think it’s nearly impossible for other people to understand what depression does to us and how it makes us feel....Partners/spouses without mental health...as much as they love and care for us...can’t understand how to help us...even though they try to..

The first place to start towards your journey to wellness would be if you could... is to make a double appointment with you GP...and talk to him/her about your thoughts and how depressed your feeling...Most Drs are very caring and understand depression...Hopefully your Dr will start you on a mental health Care Plan, which gives you 10 free visits to a mental health professional....who can help you manage your depression...Do you think that reaching out to your Dr is something that you could try?...

Dear Peppersgreen,..please try hard to not be so hard on yourself...that’s depression speaking to you through your thoughts...When these thoughts start chatting to me..I do something to distract them onto something else...Listening and singing along with music..Internet games etc..A wise person on here once told me...even a little distraction can give our mind a little holiday...

Talk here anytime you feel up to it...We are here for you Peppersgreen,,,and wI’ll offer you our care and support you the we can...

My kindest and most caring thoughts..

Grandy..

[mocha delight]

Hi peppersgreen you kind of sound like me

[Guest_1643]

hey grandy - i feel a little differently re the going to see a gp...- i don't think most gps understand depression sadly. I think it's always worth a try to make a double appointment but not all gps will have the adequete referrals or advice for mental health - I've had to myself change gps after ten years of poor help and seek out one exceptionally trainied in MH. that's just my negative experience and have found i have to do a lot of research and change gps a few times to find one that is able to support on my MH journey.

[Doolhof]

Hi Peppersgreen,

Welcome tot he community here. You have received lots of different advice. One thing with depression is what helps me one day might not work so well the next day, so I need to keep trying.

It helped me to research depression, to discover how it can make you feel and to look at sites that explained how to explain depression to others and how others may be able to assist me. Beyond Blue have a lot of information on their site covering all of this.

My husband had no idea how to help me when I struggled. I suggested he asks if I would like a cup of tea. I don't always want one, but I accept it anyway as it is something he can do. Sitting somewhere quiet to drink it does help calm my mind as well.

Is there one thing you do enjoy doing? Something that gives you pleasure? Can you find ways to incorporate more of this into your life? I'm reminded constantly that just a little pleasure or an achievement can help to change the way I feel, creating positives and enhancing life.

After a not so pleasant day at work today, I came home and sat on the front porch and just watched the world around me for a few minutes. It helped to calm my soul.

Some times accepting you are struggling can help to reduce how bad you are actually feeling.

Many people here understand what you are experiencing. Wishing you a sense of what will help you. Cheers from Dools

[Peppersgreen]

Thank you everybody sending me all the welcomes and warm thoughts and advices. I appreciate it.

@James : No, I dont actually have many friends. I dont wanna get too attached to someone because everything will come to an end one day and I cant bare it. I am good with people and very helpful to others as I can understand their struggles at the time, and I would do all my best to help somebody. It makes me feel good as well. but At the same time, Itry to keep distance from people as much as I can. I am this way because I feel a lot... I just cant handle all of the feelings towards someone because I know for a fact, I will just mess it up one way or another...I am just too complicated and I really hate it about me. I did try and talk to my husband, but it didnt really work. My friends, they cant really help me. I dont wanna make my family worry about me. I dont know...

@sleepy21: I like the way you accept me for being me, and funny how I have not been able to do it for myself. I will definitely look into it.

@grandy : I did try a Dr in women health at my usual GP clinic, talked about my problems, she didnt make me fee any better if not worse, she refered me to a Psychiatrist who was going to cost me $500 for the first appointment. I really really dont like to see a Dr when it comes to my depression, I just dont believe they can actually help me..im sorry if I m wrong.. Besides that, I totally get what you are saying and I agree and I appreciate the advices.. a lot.

@mocha delight: " sending hugs" i know its hard if you re like me.

@doolhof : I will try to find some thing I really enjoy doing. I m just meh with everything lately or I just dont have enough time for anything. Once I actually have a day off, I am very tired, and/or stressed, so I just lay in bed, clean the house, then back to laying down, thinking... which doesnt help I know...i know I need to find a way for myself and I hope its soon.

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[Peppersgreen]

I do not want to go inside my home. At work, I imagine " oh now get home, move from the car, to the house, clean up a bit, eat, then sleep" <<<---- this cycle is FLAT.
I used to have a nap in the car, across the road from my house just because I dont know what to do, honestly, My body didnt move and I just kinda fell asleep in the car...( nobody doing anything harmful to me in my family anyway), i am my own enemy. I dont know, I think this might sound crazy and bad, but I promise I have my conscience and I am still functioning in everyday activities.
okay so what should I do when this happen?

And how to get over being lonely?

I am tired all the time, but I cannot stop working, I always have to do something, enroll in various courses and sometimes I feel like I am such a loser because I am chasing something unclear. I dont know. I am confused.

a bad day....

thank you so much reading this.

[Guest_4643]

Hey Peppersgreen, welcome.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. You're not a burden or horrible to anyone. I'm sorry your husband doesn't seem to understand, that's his fault, not yours. It sounds like you're doing your best and that's all that matters.

Thinking of you.