I need a friend…

[MelodyWasHer2ndName]

I just need someone to talk to. I am struggling emotionally with a lot of things right now.

I am in a long term relationship with someone (12 years) but I feel as if our relationship is falling apart. I don’t know whether to stay and try to fix things or leave. Either option will be equally hard. My partner has OCD and other ongoing mental health problems and I feel he takes them out on me. He can be rude, condescending and verbally aggressive when he gets upset about extremely trivial things. Things have been slowly getting worse and worse and I can’t cope. I’ve tried for a long time to be supportive but I’m at my breaking point.

I still love him, I really do, but he always make me happy. Sometimes when I’m coming home from work, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach, fearing what kind of mood he will be in. Sometimes we have a nice evening together and get along great. Other times, the smallest and stupidest things will set off a fight between us.

I have terrible self esteem which is why I find it hard to stand up to my partner. I literally hate myself. I wish I could be anyone else. I despise the way I look. When I look in the mirror, I see the world’s ugliest face staring back. I hate that I wasn’t born an attractive, confident, happy person. This is why I think I tolerate his behaviour towards me.

I just can’t find the strength to confront my partner to tell him that either things need to change or that I might consider leaving him.

I am seeing a physiologist and so is he (separately) but we can only have a session every 3 weeks or so to be able to claim the Centrelink gap benefit. Everything seems so hopeless. Counselling is so expensive and I feel we need more of it. I want us to go to joint counseling so we can sort our issues out together.

I need help. I need support. But I feel like I’m on my own. If I turn to friends and family, they will make judgements about our relationship and I can’t trust any of them not to say anything to my partner.

Please I just need someone who is a stranger to talk to.

[therising]

Hi Melody

For me, accepting who I am (my appearance included) has been a gradual process. Although I'm content with how I appear when I look in the mirror, I haven't quite gotten to the point where I'm comfortable having my photo taken. I have a reputation as a camera dodger, with little photographic evidence of my existence in this world. I think part of the problem with photos is that people have a history of critiquing them (it's a habit people seem obsessed with). At the end of the day, photos typically can't capture the soul/nature of a person, therefor they often fall short of doing us justice.

I think one of the major things I learned when I came out of my depression was 'Those around me helped shape me'. With this in mind, I better understand that there is nothing wrong with how I appear but everything wrong with how others critique (shape my thinking). There are so many obvious messages in the world that, in turn, actually criticise the way we appear:

• Buy this product and have a thicker more beautiful head of long shiny hair. What does this message send to a woman with short somewhat thinning hair? Not beautiful enough?
• Plastic surgery and adverts for quick lunch break Botox fillers lead us to believe this is the way of beauty nowadays. If we don't follow the trend, are we left to be one of the more wrinkled or 'uglier' ones on this planet?
• 'Start losing weight now and have that perfect body for summer' is the kind of add which tells us we're supposedly far from perfect

As you'd acknowledge, the list of examples goes on and on in this day and age but I think much of the damage can already be done, not by the advertisers and shows about 'the beautiful people' but more close to home. In childhood, it can be the cruel comments in the playground. At home, one child may be told how beautiful they are and the other rarely receives the same attention. Such lack of attention may speak volumes to that child.

It always comes back to one thing - it's the people around us who lead us to become our own worst critics. What a world it would be, if we were led to believe that every tiny unique physical trait we possess was perfect. Often, we are left to be led my judges who are lacking in kindness, thoughtfulness and basic acceptance.

Yes, this is a bit of a rant. I suppose I just get a little triggered by the superficial nature of this world and how it leads people to suffer in a number of ways. We are beautiful Melody, in a world of superficial ugliness.