I need a friend…

[MelodyWasHer2ndName]

I just need someone to talk to. I am struggling emotionally with a lot of things right now.

I am in a long term relationship with someone (12 years) but I feel as if our relationship is falling apart. I don’t know whether to stay and try to fix things or leave. Either option will be equally hard. My partner has OCD and other ongoing mental health problems and I feel he takes them out on me. He can be rude, condescending and verbally aggressive when he gets upset about extremely trivial things. Things have been slowly getting worse and worse and I can’t cope. I’ve tried for a long time to be supportive but I’m at my breaking point.

I still love him, I really do, but he always make me happy. Sometimes when I’m coming home from work, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach, fearing what kind of mood he will be in. Sometimes we have a nice evening together and get along great. Other times, the smallest and stupidest things will set off a fight between us.

I have terrible self esteem which is why I find it hard to stand up to my partner. I literally hate myself. I wish I could be anyone else. I despise the way I look. When I look in the mirror, I see the world’s ugliest face staring back. I hate that I wasn’t born an attractive, confident, happy person. This is why I think I tolerate his behaviour towards me.

I just can’t find the strength to confront my partner to tell him that either things need to change or that I might consider leaving him.

I am seeing a physiologist and so is he (separately) but we can only have a session every 3 weeks or so to be able to claim the Centrelink gap benefit. Everything seems so hopeless. Counselling is so expensive and I feel we need more of it. I want us to go to joint counseling so we can sort our issues out together.

I need help. I need support. But I feel like I’m on my own. If I turn to friends and family, they will make judgements about our relationship and I can’t trust any of them not to say anything to my partner.

Please I just need someone who is a stranger to talk to.

[YellowPoppy]

Hey,

I'm sorry. It's not fair that some people (my partner) go through life without experiencing mental health issues themselves and other people like you and me are faced with it. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better for everyone suffering through mental health.

I wish I had some know all wisdom to help you fix your relationship.

And I'm sorry I don't.

But I can be your anonymous friend, a stranger, that you can talk to for as long as you need.

Reply when and if you can

YP

[therising]

Hi Melody

I truly feel for you so very much. The decision to stay or leave sounds like a torturous one and understandably so.

I believe unless your partner is willing to learn skills in managing his behaviour, it's you who will continue taking responsibility for it. This sort of responsibility sounds like it's definitely taking a toll on you in so many ways, impacting your mental, physical and perhaps even your spiritual well-being (your sense of connection to life). The joint counseling sounds like it could be the way to go. This way, you would have someone to help guide you in directly expressing yourself to your partner. Communication is key in any relationship, even the relationship we have with our self. How we communicate with our self, whether it be through high self-esteem or low, will impact the way we make our way through life. By the way, 'The 6 pillars of self-esteem' by Nathaniel Branden is a fantastic book if you're keen on some skill development and self-education/understanding.

Melody, I can tell you that perception definitely makes a big difference. When I suffered with depression between the ages of 20-35 I was what some would regard as attractive (good skin, nice hair, firm full bust and so on) but I hated myself with a passion. Now, I'm 48 with a decent amount of lines on my face, grey hair (yes, I'm one of the few who doesn't dye it these days) and my boobs hang so low that they're just about in line with my belly button 🙂 Pretty graphic, hey?! Nowadays I regard myself as being the most beautiful I've ever been, in my whole life. Back in my 20s, I actually had a tattoo put on my now somewhat saggy butt, a blue lily woven through a peace sign. It was to symbolise that which I longed to obtain for so many years, within depression - inner peace and beauty. True beauty really is a matter of perception. I know, that sounds a bit cliche. Truly beautiful people recognise true beauty in another. They understand 'beautiful' means to be full of beauty; true beauty is not worn externally.

If you wish to try and work things out together, go with your instinct regarding the couple's counseling: Whilst self-love is about a longing for the self to evolve, mutual love involves a longing for each other to evolve, within a relationship. I believe there's a part of you that desperately longs to move forward one way or another, whether that be with your partner or on your own. Problems often arise from staying still and enduring pain.

Take care

[Guest_365]

I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. Firstly confidence comes from within and something that needs to be developed. Be kind to yourself, focus on your confidence and you'll get there. I'm sure you have the confidence you need but you just need to find it.

I can suggest you either talk to your GP about talking to someone or you can always call the Beyondblue line for a chat.

Its hard delaying with a partner with mental health and extremely tiring. Communication and consistency is key. Everything isn't always going to go smoothly but its how you support each other which what will help you through.

Please reach out and call someone if you need to talk. All the best and you had confidence to reach out on this forum. Kudos to you!

[Guest_365]

*dealing

[MelodyWasHer2ndName]

Hi YP

Thank you. Thank you so much for saying that I can talk to you. You have no idea how much that means to me. I literally burst into tears when I read it.

I just feel so alone, and yet at the same time, I want to be left alone so no one can hurt me or upset me.

At the moment I'm staying in a cheap motel room for the night. Just so I can be left alone with my thoughts and cry and hide away from the world.

I haven't spoken to my partner for days after we had a big fight as I can't muster up the courage to confront him and tell him I think we need to go to couples counselling. I just don't know what to say and I'm scared of how he will react. I'm terrified and could use some advice.

Thank you for reaching out to me. You are obviously a kind and compassionate person who cares for others. There should be more people like you in the world.

[YellowPoppy]

Hi Melody,

I'm so glad my post made you feel better, sorry that it made you cry.

And I really do mean that you can post here, I check the site multiple times throughout the day so I'll definitely get back to you fairly soon.

I think you should write a letter to your partner, write down everything you want to say gto him exactly how you want to say it. Then go do something else, watch something, have a shower, anything. Then re read the letter and re write it, edit out things, add things in, change how youve written something. And then do something else. Read a book, take a walk. Do this process a few times. You don't even need to send this to your partner.

But if you do this it might help to get thoughts out of you head and you may end up choosing to send or give the letter to your partner.

My partner and I often text when we argue because we communicate better and resolve our arguments quicker.

I don't know what writing the letter will do for you, but I think it's worth a shot.

If you don't want to do this, that's okay, it's merely a suggestion and a strategy that has helped me.

And it might help pass the time in the hotel room.

If I could be there with you, and sit with you and talk to you I would. Though you may not want to be around other people.

Hope to hear from you soon, and I genuinely hope that being alone with your thoughts helps you. Just remember, you can post your thoughts here.

Thinking of YOU,
YP

[MelodyWasHer2ndName]

Hi YP,

Thanks so much for replying. Don't be sorry, I think I just cried because I felt so overwhelmed with emotion at that point. It felt like a relief to know that there's a single person out there who is willing to let unload my thoughts on to.

I'm going to do what you suggest and write a letter to my partner. It's so much easier for me to express myself through written words rather than in conversation. When I'm trying to talk to my partner, my emotions often over come me and I get flustered and upset easily and can never get my point across.

I've already checked out of the hotel room but I'm going to lock myself in my bedroom over the weekend and spend my time thinking about what I want to say to him and put my thoughts down in the letter. But I'm really, really dreading actually doing this. It's going to be so hard for me to voice my problems and that I want us to go to couple's counseling. I fear when he reads it, he will either be very angry, upset or dismissive. I just don't know how he will react.

Sometimes I just wish I could lock myself in my room forever, with no one but myself for company. Because I feel sort of happy when I'm alone. No one can upset me. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. My room is my safe space. I can read. I can watch TV. I can listen to music. I can go to sleep. I would be happy doing that for the rest of my life all by myself. The outside world and other people are hard to deal with and make me feel so drained. Life always feels like a struggle. Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep for weeks, just so I don't have to deal with every day life.

Maybe it would be better for me to just be all alone. Maybe I don't need any friends or relationships. Maybe I would be happier that way.

When people say things like "no man is an Island" I often think maybe I could be my own island. I think about that a lot.

Thank you again for replying to me and for your advice. I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head, I need to get them out, and you have given me the chance to do so. Thank you.

[YellowPoppy]

Hey Melody,

I know your worried about how your partner will react but I think once you write the letter and give it to your partner you won't feel worried anymore because it's out of your hands, but I only say that cause that's what happens to me.

I think your feeling like you'll be better off alone is because you feel stuck in your current situation.

It's definitely important to have somewhere you can relax without anyone else around.

Keep posting!

YP

[MelodyWasHer2ndName]

Hi therising

Thanks for your reply to my message, sorry I only just got round to replying.

You are right... the decision to stay or leave is a torturous one. I just want to move forward and not be stuck in this limbo. I'm going to try and ask him to go to joint-counseling with him. I am hopeful that it will help.

I understand what you are saying about perception and that beauty comes from within. But I just can't accept this in my thinking. I have tried for years to change my perception of myself. I've read countless books over the past 10 years about confidence and self-esteem. I've lost count of all the psychologists and psychiatrists I've seen.

No matter what I do or what I read...when I look in the mirror...I am repulsed by what I see. When I wake up in the morning and see my face in the bathroom mirror....I just want to crawl back into bed. And I get so unbelievably furious that I was born this way when there are people who get to walk around on this Earth looking beautiful. Why did I have to pull the short straw?

I hate the way I look so much I refuse to look at photos of myself. Most of the time I won't let people take photos of me. If I'm going to be in a group photo, I stand in the back and crouch down. Whenever I do see a photo of myself...I feel cold dread spread throughout me because I can't deny that this is what people see when they look at me.

When I graduated from Uni, I had professional photo's taken of me in my gown and cap. But I didn't buy a single one of them because I looked so absolutely disgusting. I look back on my Uni graduation and cringe knowing that I looked so ugly on that day. I don't feel any pride that I actually graduated.

How can I overcome these feelings when I've been living with them for my whole life? How did you change your perception of yourself that way you did?

You hit the nail on the head when you said: Problems often arise from staying still and enduring pain. This is where I am now. I have let things go one for too long in this relationship without addressing them correctly. I now need to find the strength to fix things. But I feel very scared, weak and unable to do so.

Thank you for listening to my bemoaning...it helps to know that there are people who go out of their way to help others