Hi Meowface
What you're experiencing sounds absolutely brutal. I feel for you so deeply as you try your best to manage without antidepressants while also working hard to make sense of it all. Give yourself credit for the work. You deserve credit.
As a 53yo gal and someone who's faced the ins and outs of depression since my late teens, what I was told in the earlier years (regarding depression) was something along the lines of 'You'll most likely always struggle with depression'. Well, that was depressing. I wish I had have been told instead 'With the ability to feel so easily and deeply at times, you are someone who will always be able to feel what's depressing, to various degrees'. Of course, can also feel what's enraging, what's inspiring at times, what's challenging, what's tormenting, heartbreaking, liberating, stressful, exhausting and the list goes on. If I was a completely insensitive person, I wouldn't be able to sense any of that. Sensitivity gives me the ability to feel it all. And, yes, life can definitely feel like hell on earth at times.
Personally, I only ever found one antidepressant that worked and it was before my daughter was born. Life felt amazing until I stopped taking it, as I couldn't take it during pregnancy. Returning to it, I found it no longer worked, nor did any of all the others I trialed. Before that med, I self medicated to some degree with alcohol (to try and manage depression). Both the med and the alcohol were suppressants, suppressing certain emotions. Not consuming a suppressant in some form meant I could/can feel everything, including the seriously challenging feelings. How to manage life as a feeler without suppressants requires a lot of strategy and skill, that's for sure.
I've found the ultimate challenge at times can come down to 'What is each and every feeling trying to tell me?'. Every feeling is telling. If I feel a sudden downshift, that can be an easy one to work out at times. For example, I can physically feel someone bring me down and I tend to question why they taking me into the downshift. Some feelings are tougher to work out and can take a while. I had no idea what sleep apnea felt like until I felt it. It can feel depressing for a number of reasons. Another shocker involves feeling a depressing B12 deficiency. Some feelings can take a lot of investigation.
Sometimes it also pays to identify what level we're at with a particular emotion or feeling. It's like you could be working with a basic level of disappointment which can intensify to a frustrating level which can move to a significant level of disappointment and then a seriously intense level and then there's a whole new level, an enraging and/or depressing level of disappointment. While the disappointment may have always been there, it's not always easy to feel it until it reaches next level. Hope that makes sense.
Wondering if you've always been a feeler.
