I'm so lost in this world...

[Lostflutterby]

I have so much I am grateful for, an amazing partner, a gorgeous daughter, we don't have much money but it's enough to put food on the table, a roof over our head and the most basic of other needs, parents who would do anything for me at the drop of a hat. Despite all this, I am living a life of self loathing and depression. Unmedicated by choice (I have reasons that I wish not to discuss and talking me Into medication will be hard). I look in the mirror and hate what I see, I only get up in the morning because of my daughter who isn't even one yet. My partner is as supportive as he can be given he has depression too. I spend my days wanting to curl up in a ball, I feel worthless and useless,I refuse to ask for any help around the house and I don't know why, I prepare food and look after everyone else coz I want to but I don't remember the last time I ate anything before 4pm, all I want to do I change my look and run away but I have a child now....I say and do things that make my partner angry, maybe to get a rise out of him, I don't know. I apologize for things that didn't even involve me, but could have. I have pushed all my friends away. I saw a psychologist for a few months but felt it wasn't doing any good, I plan on going back once I get another referral from my doctor who returns from a working holiday soon. I don't know why I posted, I guess I just feel lost, I need a way to at least like me, a starting point. I'm sorry about my little rant, I just needed to say it... And sorry about the grammar, I'm usually not this bad... If I re read what I've written I won't post at all...

[Neil_1]

Hi Lostflutterby,

And welcome to Beyond Blue and the forums, where if you've read much here before, you'll quickly find that this is a wonderful community (online community, but that's ok) and there like-minded beautiful people here all sharing the same dreaded mental health issues.

There's also no need to apologise for anything on this forum and the other thing that is brilliant is that nobody is judged at all.  Just respect, honest advice, guidance and support given and listening ... we listen.  (or read, but you know what I mean).  And it's really good that you posted what you did, because more often than not, it just feels good to unload ... and by typing it out, we can just let fly with what's upstairs.  Kind of therapeutic in a way too.

I'm really pleased to hear that you're getting back to your doctor as soon as they get back and to get another referral to your psych.  If you feel it wasn't doing you that much good, would you consider trying another one??

Those first couple of sentences that you wrote are really important and they're things to keep you focussing on.  And most important right now (apart from YOU) is your gorgeous little daughter ... just one year old.  So basically helpless and small and young ... they need their mum and dad and rely on you for everything.  As a result, Lostflutterby, by you seeking the professional help you'll need, you are then helping your daughter as well.  Because if you're spiralling downward that's not going to be good for you to be the wonderful doting mum if you're struggling to look after yourself.

Here's just a suggestion ... when you are able to (I mean financially) can you possibly get yourself a hair appointment and try something different, perhaps?  Look into some magazines to see what kind of thing appeals to you, and then see if they could create something for you along those lines?   OR could you book yourself in for a facial or manicure or the like?   Just a couple of things to treat yourself?  Just thoughts.

I hope that you'll hang with us for a while here and I look forward to hearing back from you ... only if you feel ok to do so.  But huge kudos to you for reaching out to here in the first place.

Kind regards

Neil

[Lostflutterby]

Hi Neil, thank you for your reply, i agree that it was good to unload, it got things off my chest... The psychologist was fantastic, I just found the approach to her sessions wasn't getting anywhere but I brought this up with her and she said she has many approaches to sessions and gave me a few things to record before I go back to her, I have been doing this and now feel comfortable to go back. 

I feel like I'm letting my daughter down every day, just coz I don't want to get up, I don't want to play. I don't know how to stop the self hate... I wish I could... 

I plan on dying my hair at home next week, we simply cannot afford to go to a salon without me feeling guilty...

thanks

[Jo3]

Hi Lostflutterby

I am so glad you came on here - Neil is so right, there are so many beautiful inspiring people on here.  We all understand and care about each other and give support.

Raising a one year old is not easy but it's got it's rewards.  They are so precious, beautiful and innocent.

I agree with Neil, if you can do something little for yourself it will make you feel a little better.  Getting your hair done next week will be great, and you can busy some nice colours and do from home.  Even paint your finger nails makes a difference in how we feel.

It's good that you are seeing someone to help you and even work out some strategies to help you sleep or even get to sleep.

I hope you can come back on and chat again when you can, pls take care.

Jo

[joey]

I think depression has nothing to do with what you have or don't have. I am sure there are depressed millionaires and rockstars. And just because you are depressed doesn't mean you are not greatful. Sometimes I find it easier when I have a 'real' problem because I can work through it. Depression is sadness in the absence of tangible problems.

Anyway just wanted to say that and say don't feel guilty. It's ok.

Sorry I am so tired I can hardly see so cant help much more tonight!

Joey