I Have Severe Depression, ADHD, and I am Having Issues with Romantic Rejection

[Marcus78]

First time posting on a forum over another person. This is more for me to vent and to work through my feelings and to stop overanylising the situation. I'm 46, have ADHD and severe depression and I am by no means an expert on relationships. I have known this female friend for 15 years. I met her through a group of friends. Over time I started developing feelings for her. After a breakup I had a while ago, I confided in her to get over the other person which really helped. She has confided in me too after her breakups and relationships over the years. Slowly after this I started developing even more feelings. I mentioned that I had feelings for her, and she did not take it well. I had to calm her down and say that I don't expect you to feel the same way which made her feel better. But the feelings were always there and she knew this but chose to stay friends. I never pushed her regarding this. A few years ago, the group started hanging out less and less as some had started their own families or moved away from our area. I hadn't talked to her for a good 3 years. About six months ago, I contacted her out of the blue and we started talking again. We'd share everything, from sex, relationships, hobbies etc. We talked a lot. Talking about things, as you do, out of the blue two months ago she mentioned that we should have a night alone. I was a bit taken aback with this, but she was serious. She mentioned that it could be fun. I said that I realise that it would just be a night alone, no relationship etc. She liked this. I thought I could handle it so I agreed to organizing a date and time when she could. I never pushed it due to her commitments with work and kids. But after two months I figured that she was just not interested in meeting up. Her responses were a bit lacking for a while too but not overly so. Two weeks ago she finally asked when are we doing this. We organized a time for Friday Late November. First time I saw her in years and my heart skipped a hundred beats. Yep the feelings were still as strong as always. It was a great night, we booked a hotel room, had dinner and a few drinks as well. Talked a lot as it was the first time I had seen her in years.
The next three days were a bit weird. I felt depressed and upset and it was then I realised that I did not handle it as well as I thought I would. But I kept it all as it had usually been. No upsetting text messages etc, I just talked as we always had. She barely answered my messages, and if she did they were just one word answers etc. I realised that she is busy, so my messages were very sporadic, and she had gone quiter in the past, but never this quiet. I realised after those three days that the night we had was a possible mistake. I felt really hollow and upset over it. And her lack of responses was upsetting too. It made me realise that my feelings for her were still very strong. I decided to end the casual relationship there and then. Rather than not saying anything or ignoring her I thought I should be upfront. I sent her a text explaining that I still had strong feelings for her after all this time, and that I didn't think I could do this again. A few hours later she texted me saying that she would have to answer this text later. I then said that you don't have to. I understand that you don't feel the same way and that I still wanted her as a friend. Roughly a week goes by and no communication from me or her. I didn't want to push it as I know she is busy and has her own issues. After that week I sent her a message in the morning asking if we were okay. No response. Later that night I sent her another message saying that I would leave you to it, and if you ever want to talk I'll be here. Later she told me off. She was annoyed that I sent the earlier message during work hours, she was &*#$%#@ angry, that I was being overdramatic, if she had known this in the first place that I couldn't handle it she would never had offered, and that she was sick of men saying one thing and meaning another. I was confused and the reply hurt, but I apologized. I told her that it was a mistake on my part, and that it wasn't until afterwards that I realised that I couldn't handle it, and that I wasn't trying to hurt her in any way. In the end I asked her if she could remove me and block me on social media, as this was the only way we communicated. And that it would be better for both of us to prevent any contact situations. I also didn't want the temptation of unblocking her if I did block her. I just needed to distance myself and sort my feelings out. She finally did block me after an argument we had. Again saying that I am an idiot, and to stop with the over emotional stuff. And that I was being weird. The whole situation has led to another huge depression episode and I am totally upset over this. I can't stop thinking about it.

[Sophie_M]

Hello Marcus78, 

What an emotional rollercoaster this must have been for you. I wish we could all envelop you in a big hug, because this must have been so vulnerable for you to go through. You sound like you have so much love and presence to give to another person, but that this particular woman wasn't the right person to receive that, which can feel so painful to sit with... I really want you to hear that her reactions sound very likely to be a product of her own experiences and inner challenges too, so I hope you're being kind to yourself and know that this isn't all on you. You can't help experiencing the feelings you did and I think you did the right thing in the end by honouring her needs and navigating your feelings with honesty.

It sounds like you both developed a lot of closeness and intimacy over the years, and it would have been confusing to hear she wanted a night alone with you after not wishing for more than friendship. I think it was really courageous of you to explore what that might feel like for you. It seems like you were able to learn something very important about yourself here? When someone helps us to feel seen and safe, but then pulls away, it is only human to feel uneasy. Some people feel this more than others, and sometimes when we are more anxious than avoidant, we need more closeness and reassurance. Do you have anyone else in your life who provides that space for you? 

I also wanted to add that we often ruminate over things when our body really needs a sense of safety and grounding. Are there any places, activities, or things that help you to feel soothed? Can we start there and see if any of these bigger feelings shift? 

Before I go, I just want to reiterate that I can hear how much you have to give to a relationship and you definitely deserve someone who can meet you in that space. I know you are feeling extra heavy right now, but please do something loving for yourself today, okay? 

Wishing you an evening of lightness ahead. 

Speak soon, 
Sophie M. 

 

[Marcus78]

Hi Sophie,

Thank you for replying. Sometimes it's good just to talk to someone. I'm slowly starting to realise that her response was not directed at me, but rather her own struggles. She has had bad experiences with relationships. She seems to go for the bad boy type personality that inevitably causes many issues for her. So yes I think I realise this more.

I know what I am looking for more in terms of relationships. Due to my excessive browsing of the internet etc I have thought about this a lot. And I think I tend to talk about major issues like this too much with family and friends. I tend to go over and over the same thing all of the time with major issues. I try to talk to family about it, but I think that they have their own issues to deal with and barely wish to speak to me when I go on never ending soul searching cycles like this. Not to say that they brush off my feelings of course. I do have my therapist to talk to in a few weeks though.

Ever now and then I have a major depression spiral. They have come and gone many times when major negative events happen in my life. I know that they will eventually pass. Some are quicker than others to recover from.

Yeah there was a lot of closeness over the years and I have still been trying to come to terms with this loss. It is very upsetting.

In the last month I have been struggling to do anything constructive in terms of hobbies. Activities would mostly be watching TV at this stage to try and focus my thoughts elsewhere. I will try to be more constructive with my hobbies and visit family and friends more.

Thank you for your time with this. It's nice to talk sometimes.

Mark.

[Scared]

I think you played that quite well.

I know its sad to get that result from the tactful way you went about it.

Your friend sounds like she has alot of personal things going on and you wore the brunt of it undeservingly.

You can take pride in the fact you didnt harass her and you were upfront with your feelings.

She sounds like she is emotionally unavailable and little you could do to have changed that.

Cutting off is probably the best thing you could do as the hurt will only linger on.

So when your down also think of how well you behaved and take some worth from that as it was not an easy situation.

[therising]

Hi Mark

Based on your posts here, you sound like such a thoughtful, deeply feeling and soulful person. While there's definitely an up or bright side to being so thoughtful, so deeply feeling and so soulful, I've found such traits to have what I suppose you could call a down or dark side or depressing side. So, 2 sides of the same thoughtful coin, the same deeply feeling coin and the same soulful coin.

• With elements of thoughtfulness, we have the ability to think before we speak, filtering out what may be too emotionally challenging for others to hear. We can also have the ability to analyse the hell out of challenges, so as to be free to feel a more heavenly sense of life. We can analyse or think our way through to incredible much needed positive mind altering and life changing revelations. On the dark or depressing side, being so thoughtful can lead us to be stuck in a state of analysis instead of living life. We can suffer in certain ways through certain revelations that come to mind and we can think about many of the upsetting things that people can say to us, things that we're much better off being emotionally detached from
• With being able to feel or sense (making us 'a feeler' or 'a sensitive'), this can lead to great intuitive abilities, empathic abilities and more. If we're able to see the best path forward, through our imagination, we'll feel that path we see. The bright or up side to being able to feel or sense is plentiful. On the dark side, when you can feel or sense what's depressing or stressful, such an ability can feel more like a curse
• With a soulful take on life, you know there's got to be more to yourself than the body you're in, the brain/processor/computer up there in your head, your biology and chemistry and all that kind of stuff. The search for finding more than those things can be exciting, amazing, stunning, highly emotional and full of enthusiastic research. We can be driven by a sense of childlike wonder and passion. On the dark side, when we can't find the answers or revelations we can be desperately searching for it can feel depressing at times

The quest to know our self is one that comes with many challenges and sometimes an enormous amount of questions. Raising our self through the challenges, raising our self to higher levels of consciousness and self understanding and raising our self out of the depressing place we can sometimes find our self in can be amongst our greatest achievements in life. Raising our self and graduating to new levels in life can be far from easy, that's for sure 😊

[sbella02]

Marcus78, thank you for your courage in posting here, I hope you can find some comfort on our forums. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, what an upsetting situation for you.

I can be quite rejection sensitive myself, and it's disheartening. It leaves you with a lot of questions, about yourself, the other person, and the situation itself. I think it's very brave to put yourself out there and be vulnerable with your feelings. Although it can feel like it is, I don't think that's ever a waste - I think it demonstrates much inner strength and love. The heart is like any other muscle: you have to use it to make it stronger. 

The right person will appreciate and cherish the love you give, too. You will never have to question their feelings or feel like you're giving too much. For now, it may feel like you're going through a sort of grieving process due to the space that this person has held in your life, so it's important to fill it with time with loved ones, time to yourself, passions, interests, having a good cry, journaling... anything like this that you feel you need to. Your body generally knows what to do to help you feel better. 

Are there any activities or spaces where you generally feel relaxed and at peace? These can often be great ways to feel emotionally safe and grounded if you're in a tough spot. 

I hope this helps, and we're all wishing you the best during this time. It's important to remember that your ability to give love and feel deeply are superpowers.

Take care, SB