I have no reason to keep on trying

[Hollywoo]

There is nothing in my life but work, sleep, repeat. I'm alive to pay bills.

I can't find happiness in anything and I have tried EVERYTHING. Hobbies. Exercise. Volunteering. Gardening. Reading. Sports. Changing jobs. Travel. Nothing gives me joy. I have no passion for anything.

I have no family connections. Making friends feels like torture. I feel so disconnected from everyone I know. I genuinely don't enjoy spending time with people. I don't enjoy spending time by myself. Sleep is the best part of my life.

I have spent countless thousands of dollars of therapy, hospital stays and medications. Nothing helps. 

What am I holding on for? What am I supposed to do? The more I think about how fruitless life is, the more it feels like the walls are closing in and I'm suffocating.

[Fiatlux]

Hi Hollywood,

I could have written your post except that I have adult children who I love and live for.

Depression can be a very dark cloud and today for some reason I feel very low. It has been building all week. 

I am however holding on in the hope that something in the future will end this cycle of a rather depressed life. I don't have the answer for you, but I am sure that you will make a break through. If nothing else, I think of all the good books that I could read in my retirement. Any hope is better than none.

Keep in Touch

[Hollywoo]

But I don't have any hope at all

[therising]

Hi Hollywoo

I hate it, I really do, the way depression can exist for years on end and you can meet dozens or hundreds of people over that time and try dozens or hundreds of different strategies you've never tried before (a variety of meds included) in order to try and raise yourself out of it and nothing, absolutely nothing makes any outstanding difference. That in itself is depressing. Nothing working is depressing. Of course, I don't have to tell you that.

Took me more than 15 years to finally find something that made a difference. Then it became about all the differences after that, with each brief period of depression I've experienced. Being a sensitive gal, I'm sensitive to what feels depressing. Whether it's a seriously depressing lack of energy, a depressing low level of B12, a depressing mind altering period of dark internal dialogue, a depressing relationship breakdown or a depressing period of grieving over a significant lack of something, they're all things you can really feel when you can sense so easily.

Not sure if you can relate but I've found a factor that tends to make all the depressing stuff much harder is when no one around you can feel those things the way you do. A lot of life can involve a level of dismissiveness that can become seriously triggering at times. You can say, for example, 'I just don't like meeting people' and someone shuts that down with 'But you have to'. They don't care to try and get a feel for how an introvert gets a sense of how challenging it can be to meet people (based on a number of reasons). Introverts typically don't vibe with a lot of different natures. They can only tolerate a certain nature in a person. They do not like small talk, which makes meeting strangers almost painful. They're often real 'feelers', easily feeling the discomfort in themself and others and they can also feel or get a sense of when they're being judged. They can also feel the volume/amount of people in a room, which can get pretty overwhelming. The list goes on. Nup, not too many people will try and get a sense of all that. They'll simply tell you 'You have to get out and meet people'.

Would you say you're pretty good at sensing the nature of others?

[Echtis]

I don't know what to say, because I feel precisely the same way. My low mood is inescapable and seemingly untreatable. 

All I can really say is we have to hold on, you're not in this alone, and killing yourself is not the answer. I don't know if it gets better, but I know if I die it certainly won't. 

I don't know if that helps, it probably doesn't.

[Hollywoo]

I'm not good at being alive let alone being in tune with the nature of others.  😕

I've been trying to get better for 20 years. How much longer do I have to keep trying before someone can just admit to me there's no point? Another 20 years? I simply can't stand it anymore 

[therising]

Hi Hollywoo

Do you think anyone has ever come close to putting their finger on why you face depression. There can be so many different things that can lead people into a depression and unless someone can pick the specific reason, there's simply no way of coming out of it.

Some mind based or mental factors can relate to the way we're raised or should I say brought down, based on the belief systems that are put into our head and/or the skills not given to us in managing life. Of course trauma can be a major factor, with post traumatic stress lasting for decades, until someone finally addresses it for the person who suffers through it. Some body based or physical factors can relate to an issue with the brain, including issues with neurotransmitters and receptors and therefor chemical production. A brain that's labelled as being on the autism spectrum, for example, can be sometimes a depressing and anxiety inducing brain to be working with, especially if the people around don't care to better understand it. Sleep apnea, a depressing vitamin deficienciency, the inability to produce quite a number of chemical reactions needed to be able to feel our energy and experiences, the list goes on. Then there's the soul based factor which of course isn't everyone's cup of tea, such a topic. Basically, from a soulful perspective 'How can we hope to enjoy what we feel absolutely no connection to - life'. Long term depression is definitely a soul destroying experience.

Then there can be a complex combination of factors that can lead us in and out of depression to the point where it feels like we have the occasional good times within years of feeling depressed. Depressing factors from childhood can come to the surface and be managed to some degree before a chemical deficiency kicks in some time later, which is addressed, and then sleep apnea develops, which is addressed, before over all life exhaustion or chronic fatigue and the inability to make a connection to anything (including our own feelings) is experienced. A long line of depressing factors. If none of those things were addressed, it would all become intolerable. It would resemble a life a torture.

[Hollywoo]

The reason I have depression is pretty straightforward. Both my parents have it. So I was raised by 2 chronically depressed people. Nothing can be done to change that. The condition is hard-wired into my brain. I've addressed all of this in therapy to no avail. You are correct. It is a life of torture. 

[therising]

Hi Hollywoo

Sometimes when I hear people say depression in certain cases is inherited, I always question first how we have been taught to live and see life, based on the teachings, mindset and behaviour of those who have raised us/brought us down (who have elements of depression). I can understand how we can be born with genes that are switched on to behave a certain way, while we being grown in the womb, but based on certain teachings within the field of epigenetics we can switch gene expression off. The thing I love most about this field of study is the idea we are not necessarily doomed to suffer through inherited genes. Potential triggers exist that allow us to switch gene expression off at certain points in our life. Such triggers hold holy grail like status.

So many elements to being conditioned to face depression, so many. Over the years I have wondered on occasion what such conditioning looks like, as I've striven to better understand myself. A few you might be able to relate to:

1. 'Story telling'. When you tell a parent of a great opportunity and they tell you a story all about how it will work to be one of your biggest mistakes, if you take it. Such conditioning, with story after story can lead us to become expert depressing story tellers our self. So, we gradually become really good at what's bad
2. The conditioning involved in never being taught how to raise your self in so many various ways. In other words, being conditioned through a depressing lack
3. Being constantly led to get a really good feel for or sense of everything that is a downer or depressing. You're taught such focus. You're typically not led to develop a good sense when it comes to a variety of other emotions. What does 'peace' feel like or 'inspiration', for example? What kind of energy in motion do they have? Can you feel that energy in motion or e-motion? I think sometimes we can feel them but are never led to truly recognise them. For example, 'peace' is the feeling of when you're trying so hard to keep your eyes open so as not to fall asleep and then you finally give yourself permission to close them. That is peace. You can feel it in those few seconds of permission

Just some examples.

[Hollywoo]

Um yeah I guess after so many years of trying to turn that part of my brain off by recognising triggers with zero sucess it gets to a point of like why. Why am I even trying? What do you do when you run out of options and hope. I've heard the theory stuff inside and out. Knowing it doesn't fix it.