I don't want to be a part of a society in which I don't fit in

[Deedee1]

I feel like I genuinely have the shittest life ever. I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder- which means I have schizophrenia and severe depression at the same time, post traumatic stress disorder and body dysmorphic disorder. I look around at everyone else with their easy lives and hear them complain about the most trivial things. I'm 27 and live at home with my parents. I love them but my dad has an abusive past with my sister and I and he stills yells at me in a very vicious manner. My mum is highly judgemental and easily holds grudges with me and is obsessed with cleanliness and order. I am in love with my male best friend but he only loves me as a friend. I am extremely paranoid and suspicious of others and can't relax when I'm around other people. I have been severely depressed for three years and it never ever goes away. I had a significant delusion that I was deformed and the ugliest person in the world that lasted for an exhausting and paralysing 10 years. I believed my looks was causing all the bad things happening in the world and that people were offended and angered by my appearance. I turned away job opportunities, love interests, study opportunities and social events because I believed God was telling me to. I even stopped talking and eating for a few years due to messages from 'God'. The funny thing is I am so strong and work full-time at a bank, go gym every morning, am a really good friend and relative. This doesn't suit the life I've lived and how horrible I feel every second of the day. People like me usually end up being drug addicts, in jail or unemployed. I don't want to be a part of a society in which I don't fit in. Everyone around me has had it so easy. Losing their minds over breakups, not being skinny enough, not having the latest gadgets. Welcome to my life.

[White_Rose]

Dear Deedee

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am so sorry you have had and are still having such a horrible time in your life. I have little idea of the pain you experience so it's useless to say I understand. But I do understand that you are in pain and that it makes life incredibly hard for you.

I wish I had some words of comfort, something that would help you even in a small way. I am impressed at your determination to continue living as normal a life as possible, working, exercising, maintaining friendships. These are skills that many other people do not have even in their relatively easier lives.

I am curious why you still live with your parents who do not sound very supportive. I would like to understand more about you but only the information you feel comfortable to share. On this web site we try and support each other as much as possible. It's safe to say how you feel. Some people find it useful to read posts from others and offer their own insights by joining in the conversations.

Another option is to set up a discussion thread under Community Board. A topic you are interested in and would like to share your views. Nothing is out of bounds here except bad language and personal attacks, and I think you would understand why.

So please respond to the posts that will be placed on this thread and to others needing help and support.

I hope to hear from you again.

Mary

[Deedee1]

I live with my parents because I love my mum, and I can't stand the thought of coming home to an empty house with nobody that loves me.

[White_Rose]

Dear Deedee

Thanks for your reply. I can see that returning to an empty house would be unpleasant, especially if you are not used to it. I remember being very disappointed when I came home from school if my mom was not at home.

Can I ask if you have any counselling? I presume you must have been receiving some therapy when you were diagnosed with your illnesses. Do you find it helpful at all? I'm not sure if I am reading your post correctly, but I get the impression these diagnoses are fairly recent and it is a struggle for you to "take it all in". Is this correct?

In my experience, everyone with significant depression or any other mental illness feels they do not belong in society or that society rejects them for their illness. And to some extent this is what has happened. Fortunately attitudes are changing as in general people are begining to have some understanding of mental health and to accept that those who have mental health issues do not come from outer space.

At this stage I think you do not want to believe this because of the emotional pain you are experiencing. Many of the people who write in here have huge struggles with mental illness. This is not to say your problems are any less important or difficult. There is no hierarchy of illness, disability or need. We all need love and comfort and we all need help in various ways for our various difficulties.

I don't want to compare my life with yours because it's a pointless exercise as I have written above. I want you to understand that because we have battled often horrendous challenges, we do understand what it feels like. The details of each person's traumas make sense to all of us because of our own lives.

Please continue to write in. We want to help you on your journey.

Mary

[geoff]

dear Deedee, it's very difficult to post your first comment, but you have so well done.

I am so sorry for how you feel, because when we have any disorder, we feel as though no one else understands, but that's not true, because everyone on this site has had or still has some type of depression and have been to hell and back several times.

Living with your parents can be satisfying for you to be near your mum, but she is suffering from OCD, so I wonder whether you stay at home just to try and help her, but then it's catch 22, because of what your dad is capable of doing, however from what you said I wonder whether you also have OCD to a certain degree.

You seem to be a very capable person in what you do each day, and another thought is that whether you could move into a flat with someone you know.

Hope to hear back from you. Geoff.