I don't like who I am

[scarley]

Hi, I'm new to this thing but I really need somewhere to vent, I just want to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way.

Im 22 years old, I'm a girl and My whole life I've just felt like a failure, a nobody. I never knuckled down and concentrated properly in school because I hated being there. I felt as though nobody really liked me, like I was constantly being made fun of behind my back. I worried about my appearance and wether I'd be bullied about my big nose, my goofy teeth or if my voice sounded weird. I look at my younger sister who is so beautiful, confident and smart and I can't help but feel like such a failure. I have never been outgoing or confident and it effects how I now perform at my job, how I am with my friends, I just feel so dumb and scared of people all the time. Sometimes I go out of my way to avoid people, I always cancel on plans last minute because I freak out and overthink things. I can't even talk to strangers without mixing up my words or getting red faced and clammy.

I look at myself in the mirror and I cannot stand what I see. I feel as though everyone around me are doing great things with their lives and I'm just stuck in this deep pit with no way out. I do not like who I've become and it makes me feel so low that I have come this far and not gotten any better. I feel as though no matter how hard I try to fix myself, I'll never feel good enough.

I don't know what to do anymore, I wish I could change.

[Croix]

Dear Scerley~

Welcome, thank you for posting, a pretty brave thing to do, laying yourself open before strangers - very worrying for most. It will be fine.

Having read what you had to say I'm not as sure as you about change. You pick on a couple of physical characteristics, talk about difficulties with others, self-consciousness and compare yourself unfavorably.

The thread running though all this sound familiar to me when my depression and anxiety was pretty bad. If people told me I was wrong, that I was fine in company, compared well with others and so on I would not believe them, think they were being kind or even just dismiss what they had to say without thinking.

You write a good direct post - easy to understand, you see your motives for how you performed at school. You have a job. All pluses. At 22 you are coming out of the hyper-sensitive teenage years.

There are a couple of things you did not say in your post. Firstly are you under any form of treatment? Secondly how much family do you have and how do you get on with them? - I know you said you had a sister. are you supported or put down? Anyone you can talk to -family or friend - and be understood without feeling threatened?

In your shoes, if you have not done so already, I'd book a long appointment with a GP and set out your story in detail, your school, work, family, how you feel. If in doubt write it all out first at your leisure and share the paper -that's what I've done.

Ask to be tested for anxiety and depression and see what happens. it could be the start of fixing problems and feeling better. I was never able to fix myself alone, I doubt you can either - outside help is needed.

Talking of help, have a look for those two illnesses in The Facts menu above and get information about them. You might also care to browse the Forum here to see how others have coped.

Please write back, you will be met with care and understanding.

Croix