I don't know what's wrong with me

[Ladoo]

Hi everyone..I'm a 45 year old male and I'm just not coping at all. I even find it hard to write here. I just don't know which way or where to turn to..I'm lost. Just existing. Holding on to hope.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Ladoo,

It sounds like you are carrying around a lot of your past to weigh you down in the present. How are things piling on top of you?

t.

[therising]

Hi Ladoo

Without a doubt, the relationship we have with our self is forever changing. This relationship can offer moments of incredible revelation and liberation, just as it can offer deeply depressing experiences which can lead us to question, cry or scream 'How the heck did I get here?'

When I was in the absolute depths of depression, the relationship I had with myself was depressing. I recall the day where everything changed. It was in a group therapy session that we were all asked to create a list on a whiteboard. The question, 'How would you describe yourself?' It ended up being quite a list...Hopeless, angry, sad, lost, lazy, difficult, frustrated, emotionally exhausted, controlling and the list went on and on. I recall finding it strange how we all had these traits in common, until it hit; these are the traits of depression, they are not my traits. I know that may sound a bit strange. My next thought was 'If these are the traits of depression and not my traits then...WHO AM I (without them)?'

I believe the greatest challenge we can ever face is the challenge of reforming our self (on an ongoing basis). I also believe to be able to reform our self, we first have to understand our self. It would be fantastic to have someone knock on our door and announce 'Okay, I know exactly who you are and how you tick. I know how you're interacting with all those learned beliefs/mental programs put into your head, since from when you were young. I know exactly the path you need to take in order to know who you naturally are. Now...are you ready to begin your reformation?' Of course, this would be classed as some freakish unheard of miracle, such a person showing up at our door. Often, it remains up to us to do the research, to find the answer to that question 'How the heck did I get here?'

What or who led me to regret, the feeling of unworthiness, hopelessness, and believing that I am a nothing and am ashamed and disgusted in myself? Regret: What led me to be so misguided? Unworthiness: What or who led me to believe I am worth less? Hopelessness: Who or what led me to hope for less? Who or what led me to the belief that I am nothing? Do you feel shame because you are someone who has the ability to feel remorse (the trait of a thoughtful person)? Self disgust, strangely enough, tends to be the point where change begins. It's the point where we can no longer tolerate the self we have been. Now, comes the search for the self we desire most.

Where to begin?

🙂

[Ladoo]

Yes my past is weighing me down..it's everything..all these unwanted thoughts just keep coming from nowhere one on top of the other..it's becoming unbearable as my mind can't take no more and find it difficult to distract myself..and that adds to it as well..feels like I'm going crazy..my brain feels fried..and Ive suddenly lost all energy and motivation..

[Ladoo]

This is exactly how I feel and what I needed to hear..you sound like that person at the door you mentioned. You made me smile which I had lost. Thank you..yes I just want to search for the self I desire..I need strength..hope you feel good because you made me feel good..

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Ladoo,

Thanks for your feedback. Yes, I also think therising nailed it.

For all those thoughts whirling around in your mind, could you get them down on paper to control their rampant activity - perhaps one page for negative thoughts, but also a page for positive aspects you have (or had) that you want to recover; and maybe a third for whatever doesn't fit anywhere else.

Once itemised, you can release the mind turmoil, get some rest, and revisit those pages to address/resolve issues progressively. Should you elect to seek counselling, these notes can also be a good reference point.

Taking stock of your own life requires a certain objectivity which can be difficult at first, but provides another perspective from without rather than within.

Regards,

t.

[therising]

Hi Ladoo

It's so easy to recognise the naturally beautiful people in this world (such as yourself); they're the people who vibe high through beautiful things, such as within the beauty of that post you last addressed to me. It's also easy to recognise the naturally happy people in this world, they naturally vibe high through incredibly happy things. Same can be said for being hopeful, helpful, inspired and so on.

I have discovered that in defining the word sensitive (in regard to our self), the word 'enough' must be included. While we can say I am hopeless, I am sad, I am regretful, I am lost etc, we could also say

• That person or thing does not give enough hope, for me to be able to clearly feel, sense or experience hope
• That person or thing does not give me enough joy, for me to be able to clearly feel, sense or experience happiness/joy
• That person or thing does not give me enough inspiration, for me to be able to feel, sense or experience inspiration to the point where I stop focusing so much on regret
• That person or thing does not give me enough light, for me to be able to feel, sense or experience enlightenment

Being sensitive people, I believe we rely on a unique sense that tells us what is enough and what it not enough, when comes to feeling a difference.

Stick me in a room full of 'hippies', 'psychics' or natural people and I'm vibing high baby!!! Stick me in a room full of arrogant, degrading egotistical narcissists and I'm a whole other person. Being sensitive to what raises you, what brings you down and what triggers you to anger requires a lot of questioning, from my experience. 'What or who is triggering me to anger and why, what or who is raising my spirits and how and what or who is bringing me down and how is this gradually or suddenly happening?' are all questions worth asking. It is a way of naturally coming to know yourself.

I find it telling when people who are deeply depressed or incredibly lost say 'I don't know who I am anymore!' Preceding and during my years in depression I always believed I knew who I was. I now realise you can't rely on everything you've been led to believe. I am a very different person to who I used to be. One belief I can rely on - we are forever evolving or reforming into someone different. The challenges are what often push us to reform. The greater the challenge, the greater the reformation. Knowing how to rise to and through those challenges is a challenge in itself.

🙂

[Ladoo]

I've been looking at my pen and some mail sitting on the table and was thinking about grabbing the pen and just scribble down anything...Ive never done it before but since you mentioned it I will try it..

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Ladoo,

I'm a bit embarrassed to admit it, but I think I used that technique to graduate uni - I had a 'triplicate' pad (just scrap) with 3 different coloured sheets (white, yellow, pink). On the white page, I wrote the things I knew and had no trouble understanding; on the yellow, I listed things that weren't fully clear where I needed to get a handle on them; and the pink was for all the stuff that was perplexing and beyond comprehension.

My whole course was now in 3 sections and this prevented me from becoming overwhelmed. It put everything into perspective and the worrying bit (the pink) was manageable and contained. Honestly, it felt like I as cheating as I sat the exam and could see all the information and relevant colours in my mind as clearly as if it was right in front of me.

I hope you can find something for you as well.

Regards,

t.