I don’t know how to keep going..,

[LMQ]

Hi there

I’m a mother of 4, nearly 45 years old and I’ve suffered from Depression for as long as I can remember. I’m particularly bad right now.

I have no friends and no desire to have any. I have a wonderful husband who is supportive but over it. I have zero libido and he’s sick of it and I’m wracked with guilt because of it. I have a job I enjoy but which is currently causing me substantial stress and anxiety. I have had many jobs over the years. About 2 years is usually my limit, by then I’m miserable and desperately unhappy. I hoped this job would be different... it’s not... I’m not able to maintain our house, it’s a mess. My kids are wonderful and I love them more than life itself but they’re lazy and entitled. I feel looking back that I should never have had kids, not because they’re not wonderful but because I should not have brought anymore versions of myself into the world. I feel ill to my stomach when I see them behave like me. I wouldn’t wish myself upon my worst enemy.

I’m lying in bed feeling nauseous and exhausted. I’ve told my husband I’m so very low and he doesn’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want him to do. I don’t want to leave my room, nevermind leaving the house. My anxiety levels are through the roof and I’m feeling completely helpless and overwhelmed.

im not taking medication. I was on medication and it always stops working. I’ve put on 20 kilos since going on it and it doesn’t help anymore. I’ve tried other medications and they don’t work for me. They make me feel sick or awful and fuzzy in the head. One gave me major heart palpitations.

I’m tired of trying. I got a mental health plan from my Dr but couldn’t bring myself to go, now I’ve lost it. I can’t bring myself to go back and ask again. I don’t know where to turn or what to do. I don’t know how to keep going..,

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi LMQ,

Welcome to the forum. It is really great to see you reaching out here despite all the struggle you are feeling. Taking this step indicates to me that you have something that is sooooo important... you have hope and desire to get well.

Having depression for so long and trying medication as a strategy is a great step in trying to get back to wellness. But medication doesn’t always work out for everyone as you have found out. The good news is there are many other evidence based treatments for anxiety and depression where people can and do recover. You will read across the forum of countless people who are struggling with symptoms of depression and anxiety but also so many people who have made steps in their recovery and who are getting well.

You have already taken a step by going to your GP to get a mental health care plan. Perhaps you can phone the clinic and get them to email you the plan or get someone to pick up a copy. I wonder if you have been given any recommendations to a psychologist in your area? Sometimes health professionals have wait lists which can be frustrating so I suggest the sooner you make an appointment, the better.

Another option could be to ring the Beyond Blue support number to help you develop a plan to get your first psychology session. They are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636. They can help you work out what steps to take first and give you some additional support until you get to your appointment with a counsellor or psychologist.

Another option that could help you through is using an online program called Mindspot. This could be worth a try if your comfortable doing a program online with some phone support. You can read about the program here www.mindspot.org.au

I would also recommend going back to your GP. They may be able to help you at your appointment to make the appointment with a psychologist. In my experience GP’s will be very supportive but you have to let them know the real level of your distress.

Getting through each day can be such a struggle when you are under the cloud of depression and anxiety but you are doing it. You are a mum to four kids, working and still communicating to your husband. You have taken steps to get support which is so hard when all you want to stay in bed. Please be kind to yourself.

You are not alone.

I encourage you to post on the forum and let us know where you’re at and please give the Beyond Blue support number a ring. They are a great service and you ARE worth it.

Nurse Jenn

[White_Rose]

Dear LMQ

Hello and welcome. You have taken another step towards getting help by posting here. There are many people who have been in your situation. You can read their stories on the Depression and Anxiety forums. Responding to a couple of these threads may help you move forward yourself.

Like you I have four children but being a bit older I also have eight grandchildren. My depression lasted many years and caused me great despair. I convinced myself that nothing would ever change and my life would be this unending misery for ever. It is hard to muster the energy to get well and it gets harder as time goes on. Like you I had bad reactions to medications, all SSRIs. Eventually my GP suggested I try an older group of meds called Tricyclic Antidepressants (TCA). It was amazing how much difference they made. So have a chat to your GP and ask about them. I cannot name individual meds but there is no need as your GP can sort out what would help. You may well find them a great help and probably more important, no or few side effects. It's these side effects that make ADs so hard.

If you can talk to the BB support people to get yourself to the GP and talk about medication you may find it's the start of managing your depression. Not an easy journey I know but you have stuck with it so far which shows you don't give up easily.

Please let us know what you think about the suggestions we have made. Are they helpful? Come and talk here as often as you can. I would like to feel we can change and refine the way you manage your depression and your life by reading ideas and thinking about what would help you. I don't want to overload you at the moment.

Mary

[LMQ]

Thank you to you both. I appreciate your replies and will take your suggestions onboard. I don’t feel strong enough to go to the Dr right now. I’m just trying to take it quietly and be kind to myself. It takes so little to knock me back down whenever I try to force myself.

I hope soon I can find the strength to seek help again. Sad that this disease lends itself to waiting till you feel well enough to seek help... ironic really I guess. Sadly I guess it’s why so many never find the strength.

Thanks again. I do appreciate you taking the time for a complete stranger.

xxx

[LMQ]

Thank you, I have responded below. x

[MeganMe]

I don't know if I can give you any advice, but I could have written your post, except without the husband and add on 5 years of age.

I can only sympathise and let you know that you're so, so not alone in feeling this way. I hope we can both find a way to move forward and feel better soon xx

[Bells88]

wow LMO, i could have written this myself. I can't thank you enough for sharing your thoughts and feelings- ive been unable to even find the energy to describe it and have been hopelessly scrolling threads tonight looking for exactly this- someone who feels the same.
While i am just as stuck as you- i want you to know in an odd way you have helped me by posting this.
I really resonate with the feelings of guilt where your partner is concerned and that feeling of JUSTHELPMEFIXME but not knowing HOW or WHAT they could ever possibly do for you.
I have no advice for you, as whatever i could suggest id have trouble with myself, but what i am learning is this-
STOP BLAMING YOURSELF FOR YOUR INJURY.
Any more than you'd feel guilty for your bone snapping umder pressure - you do not need to feel like you could have prevented this. The mind is an ever challenging, complicated thing - and the reasons why we feel this way sometimes DOES NOT give a hoot about the REASON or LOGIC we are taught to embody.
If you cannot teach your bones to be stronger, to withstand a crushing blow - why would you expect your mind to do the same?
This whole situation is absolutely bull. Why couldn't i just be "normal"???!

im not sure... but if we dont endure... how will we ever figure out how to beat this?
we are all in this together. we might all be stumbling around in the dark feeling alone- but at the very least- please know i am here in the dark with you, i admire your reaching out and putting this into words for me. I need you to survive. i need to.

I have a belief in you i can't explain. please dont give up.

[White_Rose]

Hello LMQ

I know how hard it is to get out and get help. I spent days at home when I should have been at work because the thought of getting up and dressed seemed impossible.

I lived on my own having separated from my husband a year previously. I still live on my own so anything that must be done is up to me. Please make the effort to see your GP. Ask your husband to take you if you feel unable to drive. It is important you get help ASAP. Waiting until you feel better means you will still not go as there will be no need. The black dog has you well and truly in its grasp. Staying at home, probably in bed, with no others around is a recipe for disaster. I did not get help and I just went further downhill to disaster level. Not a pleasant experience.

You may be thinking I have more strength than you but that's not the case. All I had was the desperate need to be well or leave this life. Truly I was in a bad way. I feel it's not being kind to yourself to stay at home and not see your doctor. The doc needs to see you at your worst not when you feel better. How can he/she give you the help you need when there does not appear to be much wrong with you? Do you get up and dressed in the morning? Once you have done this make the phone call and book a long appointment. You can then rest for the remainder of the day. Or you can start thinking about how you feel and make a few notes to tell the doctor. It's surprising how this will lift you because you have made another step forward.

I believe we all have inside us the strength to make small changes and that's all we need to start. I expect you are thinking "What does she know. I'm the one who is unwell. I know best how I feel". And of course this is true. Feelings are not going to help you get well. It's actions. You do have the strength and ability. Reach deep inside yourself to that spark of resistance that allowed you to post in here and use it for another step forward. Consider how good it will feel to do something for yourself, how proud you can be.

I will also be proud of you to know you can take action. Please talk to your GP.

Mary