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I can't handle the loneliness anymore
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Hi everyone,
For such a long time, I've had insufferable feelings of loneliness to the point where I feel depressed. I'm hesitant to use the word without a formal diagnosis, but my feelings and thoughts are very much in line with what a depressed individual would have.
The long, brutal lockdown we had in Victoria last year was of course damaging to the even the most stoic person, but it was actually exiting lockdown where these feelings got even worse. Everyone around me was catching up with friends and partners, and I have nothing of the kind. My main 'friends', such as they were, were people from high school, around whom I only stuck around because I really had no one else in truth. Even though I felt constantly left out and isolated amongst them, and was the subject of so much bullying they would call 'banter', I remained because otherwise I would be completely lonely and basically at home 24/7.
Anyway, I've now ceased all contact with them, as I felt it was long overdue and for the best. On the flipside, it means I spend one weekend after another completely at home alone. My uni 'friends' all live too far away and are otherwise too busy to ever get close to them. We'll see each other once every few months, sure (after I inevitably initiate contact with them), but nothing that enables us to get any closer.
And that's the other thing. I must initiate 100% of the convos in my life in order to get a chance to talk to people. Quite literally. If I don't, well, it's all loneliness at home again. I went through last year, with our two arduous lockdowns, without hearing a single thing from anyone - for instance, from uni people that I'd see every week prior to lockdown. Now, back at uni, I try to make new friends by talking to people outside of class, but it never amounts to anything. They never express any desire to continue the conversation, and everyone seems perfectly happy with their current friendship group without looking to add to it.
The worst thing without a doubt is my situation with girls. Any attempts I get to know them ends in total failure. Either the conversation just fizzles away and they eventually stop replying to me, or I get the usual 'you're sweet and kind, but there wasn't enough chemistry'. This has gotten so distressing to the point where I feel jealousy just looking at other young couples in public, even though I know how toxic these feelings are.
I've reached my character limit, so thank you for listening to my rant so far.
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Leyland, & others...
I wish I had a magic wand to make your troubles disappear, it’s debilitating and the long term effects of loneliness do impact your brain overtime as I have learnt for myself.
In my younger years I joined the fire service, it cost nothing and gave me a opportunity to help others unknown. Being a woman not many were in it at the time and where as I didn’t make any solid friends for the long term I made a few seasonal ones plus it gave me something to do to fill in the time. I went away on strike teams for a few days and it did help with the loneliness, now I am in two clubs doing things o missed out on in my teenage years. However hard it is I encourage you all to join something you’re interested in, to give you something to do, you may get lucky and get a friend or you may not. Today’s world there are a lot of options compared to 30 years ago....please do not let loneliness impact you further and result in more complex disorders
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