I can't handle the loneliness anymore

[Leyland]

Hi everyone,

For such a long time, I've had insufferable feelings of loneliness to the point where I feel depressed. I'm hesitant to use the word without a formal diagnosis, but my feelings and thoughts are very much in line with what a depressed individual would have.

The long, brutal lockdown we had in Victoria last year was of course damaging to the even the most stoic person, but it was actually exiting lockdown where these feelings got even worse. Everyone around me was catching up with friends and partners, and I have nothing of the kind. My main 'friends', such as they were, were people from high school, around whom I only stuck around because I really had no one else in truth. Even though I felt constantly left out and isolated amongst them, and was the subject of so much bullying they would call 'banter', I remained because otherwise I would be completely lonely and basically at home 24/7.

Anyway, I've now ceased all contact with them, as I felt it was long overdue and for the best. On the flipside, it means I spend one weekend after another completely at home alone. My uni 'friends' all live too far away and are otherwise too busy to ever get close to them. We'll see each other once every few months, sure (after I inevitably initiate contact with them), but nothing that enables us to get any closer.

And that's the other thing. I must initiate 100% of the convos in my life in order to get a chance to talk to people. Quite literally. If I don't, well, it's all loneliness at home again. I went through last year, with our two arduous lockdowns, without hearing a single thing from anyone - for instance, from uni people that I'd see every week prior to lockdown. Now, back at uni, I try to make new friends by talking to people outside of class, but it never amounts to anything. They never express any desire to continue the conversation, and everyone seems perfectly happy with their current friendship group without looking to add to it.

The worst thing without a doubt is my situation with girls. Any attempts I get to know them ends in total failure. Either the conversation just fizzles away and they eventually stop replying to me, or I get the usual 'you're sweet and kind, but there wasn't enough chemistry'. This has gotten so distressing to the point where I feel jealousy just looking at other young couples in public, even though I know how toxic these feelings are.

I've reached my character limit, so thank you for listening to my rant so far.

[demonblaster]

Hi there Leyland and readers 😊

Ah matey it's a terrible hollow feeling isn't it loneliness and I feel not understood by many that haven't experienced it.

For now matey I'm tagging and will try to return today if not I will be back.

I can't remember atm exactly where but you might like to do a K10 test to give a guide for depression. If you do a search you'll get to it or someone might let you know.

Also there's a " loneliness ...what choices are there" thread if your interested you might like to have a squiz, maybe something could help I hope.

This can change buddy.

Cya soon ☺

[Leyland]

Thanks for the reply. I did the K10 and I believe another one called the DASS, and my psychologist said I showed some signs of depression and anxiety based on the results, though she didn't go into too much detail.

I'll have a look at that thread, thanks.

[Cee123]

Hey Leyland,

Just wanted to say I've been through the same things as you. And most of it happened after high school - I would reach out to friends and stuff, but they never really reciprocated or just flat out weren't interested in talking anymore. I've also been through the same thing when you said you tried to meet new people at Uni but they weren't interested in conversation. Most people I see these days are so wrapped up in themselves and have their heads buried in their phones, which doesn't help. Sorry to hear about your "friends" and their bullying also. With friends like that, then who needs enemies? But yeah I've been through the same things as you and can relate to what you're saying. Same thing with the girls - barely any interest whatsoever! It never goes anywhere. I could probably be called an "incel" but whatever I don't care anymore. I don't even like that word. Sounds like we have a lot in common though except you're probably a lot younger than me. Stay strong! You're not the only one going through this painful loneliness.. there are many of us here.

[demonblaster]

Hi there Leyland Cee123 and readers ☺ good on you posting here.

What a comforting post from you Cee123. Heartbreaking people going through this.

Imo you would be depressed in these hoping temporary circumstances poor fella.

I think the best thing is not to stop reaching out. Hard for sure but it increases your chances.

As poor Cee has also experienced I'm deeply sorry you too have gone through this, loneliness is mentally debilitating and cruel

Leyland I strongly urge you to get away from the bullies. As you know they're not friends and certainly will pull you down mentally. Who needs that rot!
You poor bloke having no one else. This can change.
I reckon youd be less likely to meet newbies because they'd probs shy off seeing the horrids you hang with.

Suggesting you have a good chat with a counsellor on site. They might know of others in same. Maybe connect youse.

Is there any groups there like study sport etc. That could put you amongst fresh faces.

I wondered if you spend much time in the library. There'd be people alone there or in smaller groups that you might be able to say hi which is a start

In the cafeteria maybe you could sit at a smaller table or if someones alone there join them.

You sound like an outgoing type initiating convos mostly bit of a drag at times isn't it.
What about on the noticeboards starting a group. Maybe a study one or coffee group. Walking group for time out. Sadly many there would be in the same boat

Leyland it's heartbreaking & very common girls same for blokes having that rejection which is soul destroying. Matey that's not nessecarily how it'll stay. You yet haven't met some that it works with.
Suggesting start with friendship and see how it irons out. If not you have a friend.

I loved hearing you're sweet etc. I'd take that as a major compliment and credit to your character.
Importantly try not to let feelings of low self worth pull you down. It's terribly hard not to isn't it.

You have quality from the tinsy bits I'm seeing in you.
Worst thing we can do thanks to a lot of charmers input is giving up on ourselves.

Hold in there budz and anyone else reading here ok.
Times an amazing thing it changes our circumstances.
Btw that you're being proactive gives yourself a lot more chance for change. Power to you.

I hope you continue talking here as often as you like.

🌱 new beginnings start with us.

[human909]

Leaving school is similar for many people. Most people grow more distant from their school friends as time passes. Faster for those whose school friendship group was friends of convenience than respectful, trustworthy true friends.

Clubs, sports, interest groups are great sources where you can find like minded people and hopefully new friends. Growing a social group isn't easy for anybody. I used to struggle severely myself I had poor social skills and that affected friendships and potential relationships. Regarding 'the situation with girls'... Be patient. Your life is ahead of you. Try to address your loneliness and improve yourself and be content with being single. Like you recognise some of those feelings are toxic.

[Cee123]

At my old job, I used to be great at talking to people and having conversations. I was regularly serving guests at the hotel and I enjoyed it. But ever since I had that breakdown from bullying and became isolated for years, now I struggle to make basic conversation with strangers. Even when I went back to study something. Anything other "hi, how are you?" "good, how are you?" "good". I'm fine with people I know like family, because we have things in common. But with people I don't know it's an absolute nightmare to find anything in common, or to talk about. I became isolated after severe bouts of depression and anxiety. And that further sent into a spiral of becoming long term unemployed and not leaving the house. Now I struggle making conversation with strangers. It's really hard and it doesn't get anywhere.

[Leyland]

I've tried meeting so many people through all those sources, uni for instance recently, but it never works out. Everyone is too busy or lives too far away, and they're all content with their current friendship circle and aren't really looking to add to it. Also it feels like the slightest bit of inconvenience is enough for them not to make the effort to catch up. Anyone I contact - and I do initiate all of the time like I said - is only willing to meet if I can move heaven and earth to conform to their schedule perfectly. They're not willing to travel just a bit or change any plans to meet up. And I'm at the point where I wanna restore at least some of my dignity, and just say no to such people.

And I am addressing my loneliness all the time when it comes to girls. I use any opportunity to talk to them and get closer but it never works. I am being very patient, believe me - I don't know anyone else my age who's never been in a relationship, let alone never had a sex or engaged in intercourse.

[ypla]

Having a relationship? I've never held a girl's hand and I'm 28. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me or I am just not interested in the opposite sex. I just don't know. I don't know what it means to love or be loved. I feel empty. It feels like all these years spent being lonely made me empty. Or I'm being too resilient. It's like don't care anymore At this point I just accepted loneliness as it is. I get what you mean when you said you need to spend effort to keep up with your friends and you don't want to be the one that always initiates conversations.
On the bright side, I go to a restaurant, order for two people, eat it all and get out. Feels great.

[Guest_4643]

Hi Leyland, welcome.

I'm sorry you're really lonely, I know how you feel. I struggle with loneliness myself, I've never had friends. I have my parents as family who I'm thankful for and they're supportive but no other family - my Grandparents passed away (Mum's parents, Dad's parents passed away before I was born), so I don't have anyone else.

Yeah I might have some friends overseas I haven't met and one in another state here but what I mean is I don't have anyone nearby or anyone I can meet up with to do something.

I'm sorry you're struggling, we're here for you. I hope you can get some company, family or friends soon, and you feel happy, safe and comfortable with them, but we're listening and here to support you. Thinking of you, take care.