Husband not coping with my depression

whitepointer · ‎26-04-2017

Hi, Im new. Sorry a bit useless with the site, but Ive just joined. I was carted off by my daughter to my physchiatrist last week and he told me I was depressed and I didnt even recognise it. I have been on Anti depressants for about ten years, quite a high dose actually but with many very stressful things happening to me, a death, diagnosis of a grandchild with autism, and two medical issues ontop of each other I went down hill. I couldnt get off the bed for months. I have a thyroid condition, Hashis so thought my tiredness and being exhausted was due to that. My husband has put up with three years of ill health due to that trying to get me medicated properly. I dont blame him but since last week he seems angry with me, (hes overseas for work and hadnt even asked if Im okay. He left day after diagnosis. He has sent me some angry texts and I almost feel like hes trying to blame me for my depression. Hes a good man but dosnt understand depression. I actually think hes depressed now himself. I dont blame him for being frustrated because I have been tired, grumpy and suffering social anxiety for years.

Guest_3712 · ‎05-05-2017

Hi WHitepointer,

Thanks for taking time to reply . I hate to generalise but it seems most men don't like dramas in their life, but then not many women do either. In my husbands case it really is a case of if I don't acknowledge it then its not happening. Ignoring or not facing a problem is definitely not handling it nor is drinking and smoking to excess.

As for your sister/ family again lots of similarities with mine, sometimes you just have to decide if it is worth having these people in your life. I decided some years ago now after numerous run ins with certain sibs that was dramatically affecting my mental health, to cut them out of my life. I couldn't deal with my issues and listen to their crap. They did/ said so many awful things to me which in turn made me respond in the same way. I was not knowing who I was but I did know I didn't want to be like them- bitter, angry and always ready to try and guilt me into things.

No more. I decided that family or not I don't want these negative influences in my life. I only want people that are supportive and want the best for me. Friends that listen not criticise , family that are there no matter what. Sure it was heartbreaking at the time and I still miss them at certain special times but overall I am happier without them. This includes neighbours who have so little in their lives that they have to create drama.

Your husband needs to support you for sure. As Whiterose said those that don't have mental illness do have a lot of trouble coming to terms with someone who has it. They don't understand it and are therefore are scared of something they cant control. Maybe it would be a good idea to get this literature and just leave for your husband to read if he wants

One thing Ive accepted is I cant force my husband to be involved if he doesn't want to. Over time he has done a lot of research on his own, because I just stopped trying to involve him and said I was going to do what I had to do to get better with or without him- his choice.

Some people will never try to understand so it is so much better to use your strength on yourself to get as strong as you can and when you need to lean on your girls- its good for them to be informed also as it can only help your recovery and relationship with them. All the best

Take Care

Stressless

whitepointer · ‎07-05-2017

Hi stressless, thanks for your words of encouragement. The husband hasnt been home much since he got back from OS. He immediately went into work from a flight from OS. He is avoiding me because he dosnt want to know. He did ask me once via text as I had just comefrom the Drs that day while he was at work. As I had no credit I didnt reply. Two days later I had to bring it up again. He got shitty because he had just gone to GP about a couple of spots he wanted cut off and I only asked about onr of the spots, not the one he thought was cancer( it wasnt). I told him due to the depression I cant remember everything hes tells me. Then he asked.me how I was. I just stared at him and said, not good actually!. There is no added communication from him. He keeps sayin.g im over sensitive which makes me want to clobber him over the head. In all the time I have been like this I have only had my oldest daughter take me to the Dr. Juggling it with kids and work. He isnt interested in coming with me to the Doctor. Dosnt offer. I have kept the house clean, ironed his bloody clothes and made sure he has tea on the table when he gets home and I have struggled to do it...really struggled. Perhaps I should have not done it all. Stupid me.

White_Rose · ‎07-05-2017

Hello WP

My husband and I separated nearly 17 years ago so I have to be responsible for myself. I think if we were still together he would be very much like your husband and Stressless. He certainly did not believe people had mental illnesses as much as they do and taking medication was only for losers. The sad part is I was so brainwashed I refused to take meds even when I had left because I felt guilty. Sad isn't it?

Like you I pushed myself to do all those things a good wife should but found it was his expectation and right for me to run round after him. I am so pleased my girls married decent men. Just been talking to one daughter about her son going to Canberra on a (primary) school trip. My daughter went as a helper when her daughter went but she had surgery not long ago and will not be fit enough this time so dad is going. I am so impressed.

I have to agree about moving toxic people out of your life. Like most of us I have come across a few but fortunately not in my immediate family.I have seen the effect on others of being around the toxic ones. Not a good look.

It's funny (nicely) that you talk of being over sensitive. My doctor tells me that frequently and that is why I get upset. I said perhaps I should grow a thicker skin but she disagreed. Thick-skinned people never notice what is going on around them and have no care about others she said. Better to be thin-skinned and sensitive because this makes nicer people. Besides, all the effort of getting to be unobservant etc could be better used to learn how to look after yourself and manage in the world. I have decided it's a good idea.

I think the other reason I struggled with sensitivity is because of the connotations of the word. Being precious and not able to manage in this hard world etc. That definition is wrong so stay as you are.

Ask your daughters to go to the doctor with you and talk about your needs with them. No point in wasting time trying to get your husband to understand however nice that would be.

Take care of yourself my dear.

Mary

Guest_3712 · ‎08-05-2017

Hi Whitepointer,

I can really hear my own story echo in your words and I really feel for you. One of the problems with depression is it is not visible to those looking on, say like your husbands spots. If it cant be seen then it is very hard to relate to.

After my work injury all of my problems were internal as in nerve damage- I had compressed nerves in my back and had to walk with a cane, sometimes crutches and after surgeries a wheelchair. The looks I used to get, like" Whats wrong with you?" and sometimes actual comments because I wasn't missing a limb people just assumed I was faking it.

Unfortunately depression is the same- there's no rash or copious sores all over us but its real and we know it is. If you keep trying to defend yourself and/ or prove you have this disease it will really wear you out and only compound your issues. Trust me this has taken me a very long time to come to terms with.

During one of my admissions , I rang my husband to tell him how I was going and that I would be in for at least 6 weeks- he responded with, "Well I'll see you when u get out because I don't support this" I felt like I had physically been punched in the stomach. This triggered a very bad episode for me , and I was under suicide watch for days.

I eventually got over it but I don't think I 've ever forgiven him for that- I was so alone and scared but I did come out the other side. I still hope one day he will come to psych with me ( he hasn't in 7 years) but ironically he did come to most of my doctors re my physical issues.

Whitepointer please don't let this consume you. Do what you have to do to get stronger and in control and try to ignore the constant negative vibes coming off the people around you. If you need to explain at all .just say that this is a real disease with real symptoms and real treatments available and that you are going to do whatever it takes, preferably with their support but on your own if you have to.

Of course you're sensitive we all are when we have to deal with the ignorance that surrounds this illness, and if on any given day you don't feel up to ironing, cooking or cleaning well that's just too bad I'm sure like most men he is more than capable of cooking a meal also on the days I felt better I would try and cook as many meals as I could and freeze them for the days I felt crap.

Hope you start to gain some peace

Take Care

Stressless

Guest_3712 · ‎09-05-2017

Hi Whitepointer

Sorry I replied to you last night but for some reason it hasn't appeared so I will reply again properly soon

Hang in there

Take Care

Stressless

White_Rose · ‎09-05-2017

Hello WP

How are you feeling today? Haven't heard from you for a few days, although I think you have been posting on other threads. Have you seen your psych lately?

It would lovely to hear how you are going, even if just a few words. I hope all is (relatively) well.

Mary

whitepointer · ‎10-05-2017

Hi, I read the bit about uour husband telling you he will see you in 6 weeks because he didnt agree with your admission.I take it that was because of depression. I was pretty appalled to hear that and that you were then on suicide watch. Im sorry that it crushed you to that point and unforgiveable of him. I would be rabid believe me. I hope the hospital staff or your Dr told him it was unc alled for. Im getting better each day with the change in medication. Even did a bit of gardening. My husband is just going along like an Ostrich. Should call him Ozzy Ostrich. His family dont talk about mental health issues and there is a bit of it in the inlaws side ie nephew but it isnt discussed. Whereas My mother had schizophrenia all of my childhood so it is basically a stubbed toe to me.

Guest_3712 · ‎11-05-2017

Hi Whitepointer,

So glad your new meds are making you feel better . Yes I am very familiar with the head in the sand routine- unfortunately for us that is not an option is it ?

My husbands reaction to my admissions was very hard because to me I was taking steps to recovery - after years of living in a drug haze, I was finally seeking help so I was very confused. After lots of therapy group and individual I learnt that his issues were his problems and I couldn't change that and instead had to focus on my recovery and still do

Now days he is more accepting of my need to see psych regularly and on occasion asks how it went- I guess this would give me the opening to discuss certain matters but given his history, I am reluctant. Instead I may touch on our conversations re meds or other 'safer' topics- cowardly I know but these days I just want a peaceful life.

Take Care

Stressless

whitepointer · ‎16-05-2017

Hi WR. yes Ive been to the Dr again, he upped my medication and I see him again this week. He may up it again as Im still bit hopeless but managing lot better with things. Hope you are getting along okay. My husband came home yesterday with the news that he is being replaced after 35 years as the GM . He will be given another role in that company apparently. He may leave and retire early, hes 58. Still Im upset for his sake, even though he had planned to retire early you want to be the one to pull the pin. See what happens. Thanks for enquiring of me.