How to get husband to understand it’s a condition.

[Lagela]

This has been a long journey and still undiagnosed. I’m just coming out of number 5 MDE, all suicidal but no attempts. I have realised that my husband has been one of the hurdles in me getting the support that I need.
I have been scared for a long time to get help and felt like I am to blame and have to save the relationship before myself.
it actually feels refreshing to have this realisation but I do need help with it. Because I do value my marriage - it’s great when things are great.
sorry for the ramble - not the clearest mind today.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Lagela,

Welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here tonight. We can hear that this has been a really difficult journey, but please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through, and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. 

We understand it can be really tough to cope sometimes, especially if you don't have a lot of support from family or friends. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors will be able to offer you support and advice, as well as referrals to help you through this difficult time.

If you feel up to it, we'd also recommend getting in touch with our friends at Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They can provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

[Croix]

Dear Lagela~

You are aren't rambling, you are doing your best to set out the situation, one that is very hard to live with.

First by saying un-diagnosed I'm guessing you are not under medical treatment -would that be right? My apologies if I get things wrong.

Secondly I think "number 5 MDE" means you filth major depressive period - and that you are having suicidal thoughts.

Lastly you have not sought medical help as you thought it would be harmful to your marriage.

So what do you think? Getting proper medical support, perhaps in a long consultation with your GP. Talking about what has been happening (in full, please include the hard bits like those thoughts of taking your life). My mistake was to ignore everything far too long.

Admitting such thoughts can be frightening or feel shameful, but they need to be voiced for your doctor to treat them. They do not mean automatic hospitalization or similar.

I'd also suggest a safety plan like the one I use, for a couple of reasons. The first is it is easy to reach for without thinking when you are overwhelmed. It needs filling in advance and is here:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

It fits on a smartphone and lists all sorts of things, much more than you would expect, I have YouTube Clips. people I can talk with about ordinary things, comedy routines, books, movies -anything that might give me a lift.

Now I was lousy at filling it in as I could not think of what I'd enjoyed in the past. My partner helped there a lot -she remembered heaps.

It can be a good way of explaining you have those thoughts and at the same time allow someone you trust to have a hand in helping - which does them good.

Do you think your husband is the sort that might understand and help? Are there others, family or freinds perhaps?

Again I apologize if I've misunderstood anything. Please come back and say more

Croix

PS If there is no one to talk with and you feel it might help I strongly suggest the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467)

[Lagela]

Thanks Croix. You nailed it and made sense of my post perfectly.

I actually work in mental health and counselling but this has snuck up on me and I realised it was bad during the last few episodes and tried talking with my husband about it but found that his response was to blame me for not doing the fundamentals (gratitude and positive thinking) and that I am sad because of external stressors beyond my control (a nasty ex husband that is alienating my children from me)

I have started a safety plan for myself now - because I do want to live and actually love life and what I do.

i plan to find a good psychologist who can help with some medication and help me plan to work through the episode- rather than become it. Maybe they can even help with some interpersonal therapy. (Praying for that).

during this last episode - it was bad - I read that the suicidal thoughts are just thoughts. I don’t need to act on them but it doesn’t mean they’re not there.

Today I will rest. I’m still tired and don’t want to be around people. But I am feeling better than yesterday and the day before.

thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

L

[mocha delight]

Hi lagela I’ve not been diagnosed with anything yet but I had my first psychologist appointment 4 days ago now and my next one on the 30th of this month.

[Croix]

Dear Lagela ~

Despite your doubts you did put down all the important points in your first post and the details in the second. I'm encouraged becsue it shows you understand the problem, and in a way have already turned a corner, coming here and realizing that you need the attention before the marriage, professional help and care.

"gratitude and positive thinking" Um.

Whatever your husband's experiences he does not understand the way depression and suicidality takes over the mind and narrows everything down to a few insoluble problems. Pointing out good things just made me angry and emphasized the distance between myself and those around -even when very well intentioned.

Listening and care with no judgment or anger is needed, I guess those around need training. Actually my wife did receive briefing from my psychiatrist and was relieved, had a road map and knew things were not her fault -the frustration and bewilderment diminished.

As a second husband, no matter how much he loves, he cannot act as if it he was a first time partnership any more than you can control doubt and fear. He must reassure and give solidity and understanding but may not understand that. It does take skilled counseling at times to bring people together.

I'm very glad you have a safety plan, please remember it is not a static thing, it changes as you do, and getting help from someone that knows you (not so much a medical professional which has a place elsewhere) can help with the things you enjoyed.

I started with suicidal thoughts and they ramped up in time to action. May be different for you but I doubt it. So seek advice and treatment for the depression.

'Clicking' with the therapist has been the most important thing for me, to feel understood and facing things discussed together, be it medication or therapy. -with honesty and completeness.

You don't get it all 'fixed' with one set of actions, it takes time and support.

Do you think your husband is misguided and frustrated from ignorance ? I do hope so. You need someone in the world (as well as clinicians) on your side who cares.

Please come back and continue to talk, if nothing else it will help you understand you are not alone

Croix

[Lagela]

Thank you Croix. Honestly.

you’re right, I don’t think he understands the tunnel vision of depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts. The frustration and ambivalence to me reaching out for help often makes it worse and strengthens the thought to do it (suicide). I am really hoping to find the right therapist who can help and explain it properly to him. I don’t blame him for it - I had no idea until I had experienced it. I am a bit more of a gentle soul though so have walked through this (professionally) with people before.
I’m well versed on safety plans but it’s a lot harder preparing your own lol.
ive definitely come out the other side of that episode and have learnt a bit more about myself.
I think I have rejection sensitivity as a trigger and I clearly have High functioning depression - probably atypical as I do experience joy in many aspects of my life.
those downs are pretty down though - unnervingly so.
im scared to move forward as the triggers are catching me well unawares right now.
I am hoping the right medication will help fend off some of the lows also.

thank you so much for replying to me and helping me not feel so alone. Also for helping me make sense of the experience.

L 😊

[Croix]

Dear Lagela~

Please stop diagnosing yourself, it limits options and how you think about yourself. You may be quite right, then again ..

Going for help, I did not for a very long time and made more than one attempt as a result. Getting help lifts an unseen weight off you, or at least it did for me. Not a 'cure' but an easing.

No a safety plan is not easy to make -reasons for living? - blowed if I could think of any. Same with what might give me a lift. Strangely it was hearing one of my favorite comedy routines that widened my focus enough to tell someone for the first time.

So comedy went on my list. Seems almost irreverent doesn't it?

Scared of triggers, I was too, frightened of waht I might do. So don't dilly dally, just pick the best you can find and co-opt them despite their patent list.

Medication can help, but as you know you have to find the right one - I have, no side effects and pretty good. In the interim therapy and planning, planning to avoid triggers, planning what to do if you are triggered, plan on what to do if ...

You know enough to make a superb and effective ongoing plan.

Get a confidant (who only goes crook for 5 minutes if woken at 3.30am:) if at all possible.

All this is a limited episode in your life. Your professional life in the future when you are settled, if you choose to accept any who have suicidal thoughts, will be richer and more effective because you have been there, like many of us here.

You will also find the thoughts have less and less effect. Look forward to the day where they are as threatening as white mice.

Please keep on talking

Croix

[mocha delight]

Hi lagela croix is right you can’t diagnose yourself and like I said I’m undiagnosed like you and I can only guess what type of depression and anxiety I have but I’m going to leave the diagnosis up to the psychologist.

[Lagela]

Thanks Croix and Mocha and good morning!

The diagnosis part is why I am seeking a professional. I guess my mind works in a way that I need to make sense of why I am responding the way that I am. When I am out of the episode I have a decent sense of reasoning and ability to diffuse and not react from my emotions. I also function really well - which has probably left me doubting that I, in fact, do have depression. I’ve probably always had episodes but not to this extent.

knowing a bit more about types of depression and their specific triggers and sensitivities is helping me make sense of it. It helps put language to what has made up my life story.

my goal is to heal and I don’t believe I am my illness or diagnosis but know that it is something I have to address and accept as part of me.

L