How to do this alone?

[citizen1911]

My depression had for many years been heavily disguised by my success in life.

I grew up in a unstable home. I left my birth country at the age of 19 to escape from my family. I had been alone ever since, keeping some contact with a few of them back home but have had no family surrounding me since.

The good news is I transferred most of my loneliness to adventuring and fitness. Outwardly everyone sees me as fun, smart and successful. Unfortunately I had no success in any relationship. At the age of 36 I found myself desperately alone.

Two years ago a family tragedy occurred. I went into severe depression when I realized how truly alone I was after my dysfunctional family broke up. I never got through the depression, after trying counseling amongst many other things. Now it feels like a chronic companion and I had lost all motivation in life. I am no longer fun and exciting to be around and even my friends start to go. I am in a constant state of despair. When I talk about it now, most people just ignore it or tell me how 'lucky' I am because I have money and a fruitful life. If that was truly the case why don't I feel like living anymore?

How do I do this alone, with no friends, no family and no one tthat really cares?

[White_Rose]

Dear Citizen1911

Depression is a beast. It's called the Black Dog because it follows us around nipping at our heels and wreaking havoc in our homes, just like any untrained dog. So the trick is to bring it to heel. Welcome to the Beyond Blue community where all our Black Dogs are on show like in underground Crufts.

How do you recover from depression? It really is hard with no support so it's good that you have come to BB.  We can and will support you as much as possible and help you find a way to manage your life. We do care about you.

The sudden realisation of your loneliness I imagine was a huge shock. If it's any consolation it is always a shock to realise we have fallen into the paws of depression. Your friends' comments show just how little information people have about depression. I suspect these comments stem from embarrassment. No one knows what to do or say.

I have rambled on a bit about this because it is so easy to believe we are failures in some way for not coping. After all, no one else feels the way you do. Except that many people do and you do not know because we learn to wear a mask. Not that wearing a mask is good thing, but it saves us from exposure.

You say you tried counselling. Was this with a psychiatrist or psychologist? It seems to me you need more help than you have received in the past.

Did you go to your GP and get a referral? Doctors are usually good at matching people with an appropriate support person so make an appointment and have a chat. Even if you have done this before, try again.

All psychs are not the same. No matter how good they are you need to feel comfortable with "your" psych. Did you have any prescribed medication? Often this is good but discuss it with your doctor.

So those are the first steps. Losing interest in your former pastimes and activities is classic depression. You can try to rekindle the spark but it may be difficult. I take it you are still working so may not have much spare time. However I have found that volunteering is a good thing to do. Working for others somehow lifts you out of the pit in some way.

Try a service club like Lions or Rotary, try a local charitable organisation, especially if you can use your skills there. Get involved with a youth organisation like Scouting. They are always looking for leaders and someone with your experience will be greatly welcomed. If your time fits, ask the local school if they would like an extra hand.

Pleas consider my comments and write in again.

Mary

[citizen1911]

Dear Mary, thank you for your reply. You are right on a lot of levels, many of my friends, including very dear ones for decades simply does not acknowledge that I am battling a very real problem. It has been frustrating though I know it is a condition very few people can understand.

I did try to focus on other life forms, including starting gardening and adopting an old dog from the shelter. While they bring some small joy, it doesn't change the knowledge of the predicament I had found myself in. When I look back how I had spent much of the past 18 years alone, I had lost count of the number of meals I eat alone and the number of nights I watch tv till I was to tired to care. Looking ahead it feels like this will be my life for good. Yes you are right it kind of came as a shock some two years ago, and until today I cannot come to terms with it. I tried to reach out to others and realise in the years I had spent alone, not only do I have poor social skills I am clumsy in my endeavours to befriend others. 

The counselling I sought was with a psychologist, I will try and see her again soon, she had been good but it feels like now I need help beyond talking about my feelings. Right now I will try anything if only it would rid me of this dread the way things are, that this is as good as it ever will be. Even now when I listen to myself typing this out I feel like a broken record. I am sick of listening to my own complaints. I still go to work, I exercise and I eat well. Really don't know what else I could try.

[White_Rose]

Dear Citizen

It's great that you are going to see the psych again. Whatever process went on last time does not necessarily need to happen again.  Your psych should be looking at what is happening for you and adjusting treatment accordingly.

Have you tried things like CBT, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy?  There are a number of therapeutic methods, each targeting something different. Perhaps your psych will try one of these.

You are doing the best you can in a horrible situation. At least you are eating. I lost 22 kg in a few months because I lived on a cheese sandwich a day. And I had to force that down.Actually I did exercise. I walked a lot because I needed to get out of the house.

One of the reasons I suggested you engage in activities that involve other people is to engage with others. You probably won't make friends immediately but give it time. Perhaps you could talk about your lack of social skills to the psych, though I wonder if they are as bad as you perceive.

I remember saying to the psychiatrist I saw some time ago, that my social skills were not good. He commented that they were better than his. And before I could stop myself I said, "Well that wouldn't be difficult." While this was true it can hardly be seen as evidence of my good communication.

Look, depression does all sorts of things to us. It makes us believe we are stupid, unworthy, clumsy, unsociable. That the world is better off without us, no one will miss me etc. Please read the information on BB about depression. Look under The Facts and Resources tabs at the top of the page. Any of this information you would like will be sent to you by BB. There is an enormous amount of stuff there. I suspect you will be surprised how much applies to you.

There is also Information for Family and Friends which can be sent to you.  Give this to some of your closest friends to help them understand you. You can download this information, but I suggest getting the printed material, especially for friends. Most people have heard of BB and know it is a respected organisation, so information from them printed with their logo, will be better received. Downloads never look very professional.

Have you seen your GP about the depression? Have you been prescribed medication? This is not for everyone, but it may help you. I take an antidepressant every day. I don't like it for all sorts of reasons, but it keeps me quite well. Just remember if you do this that ADs take at least six weeks to kick in properly.

Regards

Mary

[Pounce]

Hi citizen, wellcome to the bb forums. You know, loneliness and isolation are both a cause and a consequence of depression. Many of us are in the same situation, even when we do have friends and family in the country. I am so lonely and isolated and I have family in the next city! I would say that it is probably the depression that is making you feel the loneliness, and isolating you from others. You're doing a great and brave thing facing it and seeking treatment. The first step towards losing that loneliness! Best of luck 🙂