How do I tell family and friends

[flossie62]

I have suffered from depression for most of my life, however most of my family and friends do not know. I grew up in an era where you didn't talk about mental illness, hence most of my problems were not diagnosed nor addressed for over 50 years (I am 62).

It wasn't until I had a breakdown about 6 years ago and was finally diagnosed when I cried through a doctor's appointment. I was put on a low dosage medication, which definitely helped and since that time the dosage has been increased once.

Obviously there is a lot more to my life story, but I'll save that for other threads. My concern is that I don't know how to talk to people. The only people who know I suffer from depression are my husband, my sister-in-law and two friends (who do not live close to me, nor do I have much contact with). I have three grown-up children, all married with their own children. They do not know. None of my other small circle of friends know either.

I have recently decided that I need to actively help myself, but it is very difficult to get motivated. I have started doing some meditation, and also tell myself that I need to get out and walk, but this is difficult to achieve when it's pretty bad weather out there!

Do I need to tell my children? Should they be aware of the struggles I've had, or should I just carry on without them being aware? And if I tell them, how do I do so?

[Quiettall]

Hi Flossie

I am nearly 61, have suffered on and off with depression for years, and only recently decided it was time I reach out to others to share carefully, selectively and in the right context. I come from a big family who have mixed attitudes to things like depression and mental illness. My wife also comes from a big family and nearly everyone of them have a negative judgemental attitude towards these issues.

So it is only since I have retired and had more time to think and deal with these issues, that I have opened up slightly. I do lots of voluntary work, including 2 recent overseas aid assignments. This work has encouraged to reach out beyond my own comfort zone, which has helped enormously with my own thinking, but also found it useful to occassionally share snippets of what I have been or am going through to help someone else.

I have 2 children from a previous marriage who I am constantly trying to reach out to purely just to rebuild a relationship. This effort causes me some deep inner pain which I dont share with others, but I hope one day there will be a time we can sit down and really open up to each other and move forward.

All the best Flossie. Kepp sharing selectively as you feel comfortable, and you will find the burden does lift ever so slowly.

[Airies]

Hi Flossie

53 suffer from depression,bipolar and have told people I am comfortable with. My immediate family know, so do my close friends of which there are only 2. Guess others know through word of mouth. Family are supportive, most understand, a few simply don't get it , as I was often asked Are you better ? I know I will never be better and have a family friend who doesn't even discuss it in any way shape or form. Maybe I being judgemental buts it's ok. No one knows what its like to walk a mile in our shoes but can relate .

though Everyones journey is so different but many pararells. I'm a mad gardener, spend a few hours out there daily, live on a normal size block, planted mostly with natives, and have a tiny veggie patch, one of those metal ones from Bunnings. Was going to turn half the back lawn into a veggie patch but gave up on that idea as I have enough on my plate. My body protests when I overdo it.

Ive recently discovered Bromiliads,they are my latest distraction, have about 50 odd and as they self multiply my collection will grow..

hope you keep,on posting Flossie, likeminded, non judgemental and helpful people here,

happy gardening and enjoyable walks,

cheers Len

[White_Rose]

Hello Flossie, Quiettall and Len

It's good to hear other people's stories and realise we are not alone with thoughts and feelings. So good to welcome you Quiettall and Len. I know you are not newbies but our paths have not crossed before.

Three out of four of us are gardeners, though I would not classify myself as any kind of expert. What about you Quiettall, are you a gardener or are there other hobbies that keep you enthralled? Like Flossie I am a family genealogist and have enjoyed the hunt to find my ancestors.

One of the most deadliest ways of coping with depression is to do nothing, have no interests, or be a workaholic who discovers at retirement that world is a blank. I think I can safely say none of us come into any of these categories which is great.

Quiettall I am intrigued by your overseas volunteering. Can I ask what you do when you are away? Are you also involved in volunteering in your home area? I volunteer in a group teaching disadvantaged and sometimes disabled adults to read and write. These are people who missed out on these lessons when growing up. The school system was different when I was at school; huge classes, learning by rote, little time to help those who struggled and in some instances slower children often sent out of the classroom. So these folk are learning to read, but more importantly they are learning to connect to their communities and regain their self confidence. I just love it when someone finds themselves.

I guess my story is a little different from yours. I was married for 30 years to someone who was a bully and believed he had the right to control my actions. Once my children had left home and were happy in their new lives I found the courage to leave. That was 16 years ago. A year after I had built a new house and moved in I fell into a huge depression. Quite frightening really as nothing of that sort had ever happened to me.

That was a huge and hard struggle. I was still working and I shudder to think what may have happened if I did not have a job. I retired eight years ago and started doing all the things I had wanted to. Some didn't work out but that's the way it goes. Always wanted to be able to do line dancing. (No groans please) I found a group and joined in. Got on quite well I was told until the day I fell over in my bathroom and broke my kneecap. Several weeks in hospital and lots of physio and exercise before I could even drive again. Whoops out of word allowance.

Mary

[Canon500d]

Hi flossie62.

Eight years ago I grew a mo for movember. Growing the mo created a physical reason for family, friends and work colleagues to ask why? Then the conversation started and I told my story. It was very strange and uncomfortable at first to talk about it. But when others told me they felt the same sometimes, I realised I wasn't alone.

I also work in a male dominated industry, which I will add is changing. My personal experiences has helped me to see the signs when others are not themselves at work. It helps create conversation and understanding.

You may not be able to grow a mo, but mosistas can promote mental health by using the materials available on beyondblue. Use those materials to help you talk about it, share your story and know you are not alone

[White_Rose]

Hello Flossie

I thought I would drop in and see how you are going. How is life on your ten acre property? Has the rain started to grow your weeds again? I have needed to water my garden again after a few days of rain so beautifully did the job for me.

I would like to tell you some easy ways to get to know other people but I am at a loss. I have been thinking how I met the friends I have and realise it's because someone has introduced me into a group of people. I find it very difficult to talk to new people. I decided to attend church regularly when I moved to my current home. After a stint in hospital, when I broke my kneecap, my parish priest suggested I join a meditation group and the parish secretary wrote a lovely letter to me encouraging me to be part of the group.

By that time I succumbed to this awful depression and was very wary with new people. They, on the other hand, were wonderfully welcoming and supportive. Not because of what the did but because of what they didn't do. I was not pressed to give my life story or any thing like that. I was welcomed into the group and simply accepted. After each evening's meditation they discuss for a few minutes the recorded talk. One day I offered an opinion, and this was after at least a year of attendance. One of the others said it was the first time I had spoken and congratulated me. Such a caring group of people.

So this was how I came to meet people in my new locale. Not sure what meditation you practice but I am taking the liberty of giving you the web address of the Australian Christian Meditation Community. http://www.christianmeditationaustralia.org/ There are groups of meditators all over Australia. They meet once a week usually and I found them supportive in general and very ready to wait until you want to talk. You will find a group near you (I hope).

I hope you will write in again.

Mary

[flossie62]

Hi to everyone.

I left this forum quite suddenly and abruptly last Sept. I just felt that I couldn't be bothered. But here I am, back again for the first time since then.

I have had my ups and downs since last year, but as always I muddle through.

But tonight I feel so sad and tearful. I don't often cry nowadays, thanks to my meds, but I was triggered tonight by the sudden and unexplained loss of the friendship of one of my husband's mates. We don't know what to do.

Should we try and make contact with this friend to find out why he doesn't want to be friends any more?

Or should we just let it go? It's so hard, after being friends with my husband for over 60 years, and with me for around 45 years. I don't know what to do.

[White_Rose]

Hello Flossie

Welcome back. It's good to hear from you again even in such sad circumstances.

What do you do when you lose a friend? The answer is, it all depends... As you probably realise this could be due to a multitude of factors. Does the friend have any family you could talk to? Wife perhaps. How old is he, this may have a bearing. I hate to suggest this but is it possible he has been diagnosed with an illness he does not want to reveal. Alzheimers, cancer, immediately spring to mind plus many other illnesses. I don't mean to upset you but as we get older sometimes these things happen.

Have the habits in his life changed? For example, used to go to the boys night out every Friday but now does not attend. Has he walked away from other friendships? I'm not sure exactly how you can explore this unless you can talk to a family member or someone close to him.

It is sad when these things happen, especially with a friendship this long. Did he actually say he didn't want you as friends or has he just not been in touch? I am grasping at straws here because it is baffling. Maybe the best thing is simply to ask him and express your sadness at this ending. Any chance you could be mistaken?

I am pleased to hear you are managing your life. Medication often has a bad reputation but it can be such a help. Let us know how you go with the friend.

Mary

[flossie62]

Thanks for your response White Rose.

Yesterday afternoon our friend texted my husband and said 'No more calls, have a nice life'. We have no idea what has happened. My husband responded but has not got a reply.

Our friend is not married and has lived on his own for approx 30 years. He has 2 older sisters who sometimes ring him, but apart from that he lives the life of a hermit. We are really his only friends. He does not attend any family gatherings, doesn't go out, doesn't go on holidays. He also won't visit the dr unless he needs more prescriptions.

We will leave it a day or two, and then make an attempt to try and contact him. I don't think the text message could be mistaken for anything but that he doesn't want any more contact from us.

I didn't have a good night trying to sleep last night. I'm back to feeling that I'd like to move away from everyone and not bother with friendships, but I know that is silly. I don't have many friends and last night I was trying to think of who I could ring to talk to. Didn't come up with any satisfactory answers!

At the moment, just waiting for my son, wife and grandkids to visit. They are staying the night, so that will hopefully take my mind off of the past 24 hours.

Thanks again for your kind response. I just felt I needed to talk to someone.

[White_Rose]

Hello Flossie

This is certainly a difficult situation. Is it possible your friend is considering harming himself? I hope I am wrong. He is clearly withdrawing from all contact and that can be a worry.

Friendships can bring us lots of happiness but can also be hard work. On the whole though we need friendships, contact with others. It helps us to keep a good outlook on life, to keep us balanced. Maybe your friend has lost sight of this.

It's not silly to want to move away from places where we have been hurt, it's quite natural. No one wants to be hurt and it can seem a good idea to live where this cannot happen. The down side is not being with other people who can help us through life. We have so many rewards helping others by being good neighbours, helping in the bad times and receiving help when you need it.

If you feel you need to talk to someone at any time remember the BB helpline is available 24/7, 1300 22 4636. You can talk about your fears and concerns and not worry you may be thought silly. It's a good resource to use. Put the number on your phone contact list so that you will not need to go searching for it.

Mary

[flossie62]

I honestly don't believe that our friend will self harm, but you can never be 100% positive can you?

We haven't done anything at this stage in trying to make contact with him. We have had a busy weekend and tried to put it to the back of our minds. But now the weekend is over, he is back in our thoughts.

I know we need to make contact, but just keep putting it off. I'm also afraid of what his reaction might be when he has made it clear he doesn't want us to contact him.

Trying to be positive.