How do i, someone with depression, accept support from my wife who cares

[T3]

Yesterday was one of those days. No matter what my wife said to me or did it was going to trigger me.

I had decided early in the morning i could not be reached. "Why is she with me? I am not goodenough for her! She deserves so much better!

It went downhill from there. I took something to heart. A personal attack! She hates me, she doesn't know what I am going through. She always attacks me.

The thoughts run at a million miles an hour. I am in no state to discuss an issue calmly or pull myself out of my hole. She pushes me to talk. I know deep down if we discuss this calmly it will be resolved in 5 minutes. Instead i snap back. Biting with words I know will hurt, will get a reaction and then my thoughts becomereality. "See, she doesn't love you. You are weak, you are a coward, you wil never be good enough".

I sit in the car to go and she follows. I switch to calm to gain the higher ground. Now if i am calm and she is not i am the one who is hard done by. I am the one who is trying to resolve this. It is not true. I say something bitey. That will make her feel bad surely.

I leave and go to a place that will pull me up. I read, i find new books that will help me inthe long run. I send a text. I will be home soon, she replies, so will i. I go home and wait upstairs. Head in hand, the dark thoughts filtering around. Time to separate. Where will I live. The wedding was such a waste of money. Have i ever made her happy. I hid the black dog from her but it is now so big it takes hold

I cant face her, i am such a weak and defeated useless being. I can never get a hold of this thing. How do i leave her? I know it will be easier for her there is no question. An hour passes and she comes upstairs.

"This isn't helping either of us. We need to talk about this"

"I can't face you i say. I am too weak "

"Well then you need to find strength "

"I can't, we're through, we're done, i just know it"!

The next hour involves my tears, my defeat. I push her away and won't accept she wants to help. I keep telling myself she doesn't love me despite what she says. She doesn't care, how could she.

"Mediate" she says " that always helps"

"Nothing will help"

" i am not leaving you until i see a meditation started" After backand forth i eventually listen. It relaxes me. I feel some calm.

Why could i not have done this 3 hours ago? Why can't I accept the support on offer. Why can i not listen to the one who loves me and knows me better than i know myself?

[blondguy]

Hi T3

I understand where you are coming from as I went through the same thought processes as you do now....and yes its a pain. This is my 21st year with diagnosed clinical depression (medicated) and it is confusing for sure.

Depression being the illness it is leaves us with a 'tired' mind...even grumpy...lashing out. The 'tired' mind is letting us know that we need more regular counseling. Every few months for me just never worked. I had a community mental health nurse increase my therapy to weekly for about 7 months....dealing with all the crap I had buried and me thinking I could self heal without meds and super regular counseling.

Our thoughts going at a million miles an hour is also a part of depression....and yes it is exhausting...and can leave us cranky (even though even with depression we shouldnt be taking it out on others.

Meditation is one of the many ways to heal but does require all the other tools combined with it. Super regular counseling will lift a ton of the frustration off your shoulders and modify old thought patterns.

If a doctor recommends meds then go for it. Depression is no different to diabetes or heart disease....meds are sometimes required to we can have a platform on which we can heal using all the various techniques available

You are amazing for having the insight to post on acceptance of a loved one's help. You are indeed fortunate to have a loved one trying to provide you with her heartfelt care. Graciously and kindly accept her help for sure but when you can try to make her life more comfortable too by actively seeking the counseling that works for you

It is also difficult to accept help if we havent accepted the illness to start with. It may last a long time T3

The symptoms and the overthinking tired mind can be relieved with a mega strong determination to heal

I dunno if it helps but I still see my GP every 4 weeks for a 'tune up' if my thinking goes back to being 'reactive' not proactive.

Great thread T3 and good on you for having the strength to reach out too. Great Stuff!

I hope you can stick around the forums T3. There are many gentle people that can be here for you, no worries

my kind thoughts

Paul

[demonblaster]

T3 Hi & Blond 🙂

Depression's a master at pulling us down in every possible way. That's why all the negative thoughts & it makes us believe stuff that's not necessarily the case.
It's very powerful but I do believe we can get on top of it, pushing through negatives and not believing doubt ALL the time, yeah we have to look at both sides but it's like a separate entity. We all want happiness, depression doesn't.
Tiredness brings on stress. On top of what's pulling us down in the first place. Devils playground. As Blond here said it brings on temperment changes too which all work in with depression trying it's hardest to make us hate ourselves. Every comment we say to hurt, hurts us for saying it. It's an outlet, excercise is a good way of getting stress out. Meditation many find useful for temporary peace and better sleep. Takes work but good I hear & have experienced.

I wonder if you talk to your wife as you said when you're both feeling calm, she clearly cares deeply about you & wants to help. Maybe tell her what she can do to help and what you need.
I understand her wanting you to talk to her, she needs to know where exactly you're at to help.

Do you see a psychologist?

Do you think it could help for her to jump in here as well with you?

Well done opening up. It's a hard battle but one we can & need to get through. Helps if we believe we can.

I think the way is facing the demons, hard but hard where we are now too so worth the effort.

A good starting point I think or one of them is to start liking ourselves for confidence. We need it. A shield.

Hope to hear from you again 🙂

All best T3