How do I explain it when I don't know?

[Brokenmind]

I've been struggling with depression for 5 years. Almost two years ago I had a major breakdown which ended in a hospitalization. Since then my parents have kept tabs on me. Particularly my mum.

I went to therapy for a while as per the hospitals recommendation and the wishes of my parents.

My issue is that both my parents and my therapist are always asking what I'm thinking or if I'm ok. Or they're asking if there is anything that I want to talk about. I know that they're being supportive but it stresses me out. How am I supposed to explain my mind to people if I can't even make sense of it myself?

It's become easier to pretend I'm ok to stop the questions. As a result my therapist has suggested we stop appointments and my parents haven't been asking questions as much.

I know that I want and need help because everything is too much. But I can't verbalise anything. I'm noticing that my behaviour and thoughts are in the same place as before my breakdown but as last time I'm too nervous to seek help. I feel like because I can't explain my thoughts and emotions clearly that they won't understand.

Any advice or help on how to explain your head to others when you can barely make sense of it yourself.?

[Croix]

Dear Brokenmind~

I'm very glad you have come here at this stage and not let things go on as they are. I've put on this mask that all is OK. I guess I've done it partly to keep others from going on about things, partly to not have to talk about difficult things in myself, and partly from pride.

If you add to that a lack of confidence in being able to explain things then there is a big temptation to let things slide and not get proper treatment. I lived behind a mask for years until I simply could not function any longer -a pretty bad move.

My answer was to write everything down first. I took my time - days. I used point form rather than have long passages and I looked it over a fair number of times, making alterations as they occurred to me, adding bits on too.

2 copies, one for me, one for my doctor (and psychiatrist). I handed over the paper in a long consultation, gave the doctor time to read it then went though it point by point. It took a couple of sessions but was far easier and clearer than just stumbling along talking face to face - plus I could not chicken out on things.

The doctor was pleased and my treatment was based on what was actually happening, not just a jumbled abbreviated version.

So what do you think? Possible?

Croix

[Brokenmind]

Hi Croix.

I know what you're talking about. I've tried to write thing down before and they still never seem to portray my personal reality. Iike the idea of editing and making drafts before going to a therapist with it.

One question were the two copies different? Did you give your therapist a different copy to the one you kept or were they the same?

Brokenmind

[Croix]

Dear Brokenmind~

Yes they started out the same, though by the end mine has notes on them I made during hte consultations about things I meant to ask later

I did find that particularly the psychiatrist was able to prompt me further on what I'd said, I guess a lot is familiar to them. It was a while ago but I remember being asked for instance about absent-mindedness and failing to do things what I'd simply said I had not being able to get my mind out of a loop.

I'm not sure my account was perfect, in fact I'm sure it was not. Hard not to justify oneself even if wrong. Plus I did not know what was symptom and significant, I tended to assume a lot was just me.

I would think that any attempt to be honest and disclose everything is a lot better in the long run than using a mask and avoiding treatment as a result

Croix

[Brokenmind]

Yeah that sounds achievable. I'll consider getting my thoughts together on paper and once I've done that I'll try to book an appointment.

Thanks so much for the advice...

Brokenmind

[Croix]

Dear Brokenmind~

You're welcome - a common problem I suppose

Good luck with it

Croix

[Unbeliever]

I realise that this might be an overly simplistic suggestion.

But just reading your initial post I think everything you wrote from the 3rd paragraph to the end is a perfect response to the question of "how you feel"? exactly how it is.

It explains everything, what you're thinking, how you feel and informs them of what they need to know to try to help you.

I would just tell them that exactly word for word. Honestly, it's kind of perfect.

[quirkywords]

Broken mind,

I am so glad you wrote your first post as there are so many people who can relate to what you wrote.

Unbeliever and Croix have given great advice. I have other ideas as well.

Have you ever tried record ing your voice. I sometimes find it ieasy to say what I am thinking out loud and you could replay it to the therapist or write it down.

Also do you like drawing, sometimes it can be easy to use drawings to convey how you feel. Just an idea.

I am not sure if you keepa journal, that can be a good record so when you are asked how you are going you have a record and you can see how you have changed over the weeks.

Thanks again for asking your question. It has made me think.

Quirky