How can I get my husband to see his depression?

[Guest_598]

Hi All,

I would really appreciate your advice and help.

My husband is clearly going through depressive phases again and again. The last one (he is not yet really out) has been one of the worst and longest lasting. Ever since I noticed these recurring phases, I have read up a lot about depression and noticed over time that most of his behaviours and the things he says are clear symptoms of depression. I subsequently read up a lot on what can be done and how to help and I have managed to propose to him to see a psychologist more than once. Unfortunately in the past, they did not help much and the treatment was not for long. This time however, he has been seeing a psychologist for about six or seven months and it seems to help him, albeit very very slowly. However, although he realises that he feels depressed sometimes, he seems to not want to accept that this may actually be "the real deal", i.e. real depression that he would usually get diagnosed and treated for. Every time I speak to him about getting properly diagnosed and potentially considering medication, he blocks and says that everyone, including me, gets down from time to time, so why should he be any different.

Based on his phases, our marriage is currently in danger because I have come to a point where I am simply exhausted to go through these crises every year. Fully knowing that every beautiful episode is followed by the same horribly painful pattern. So my question is, what can I possibly do to enable his understanding and willingness to explore further options before this illness that he does not want to accept because he sees it as stigma will ruin our otherwise beautiful relationship? I know the psychologist visits are great but they are not sufficient. At the moment, we are getting into a better period again but I have lost all trust in this relationship staying better and not drifting off into the next crisis again in a few months time.

What can I do to support him to embrace the thought rather than pushing him and hence making him want to move further from it? I feel without him going and acknowledging that he may be ill and he may need medication to support the psychology, our marriage will not survive because I cannot stay in this painful situation. To me, it is so clearly visible what is going on but he just cannot or does not want to see it. I would hate to end this relationship as we have a lot of love for one another. I don't want the end be based on an illness. Can you help?

[blondguy]

Hello AussieGal81

Welcome and good on you for having the courage to post about your situation

As you mentioned without an actual diagnosis (to confirm your husbands depression) it would be exhausting to be in your situation as from what you have posted. Caring for/loving a partner that may be in a state of denial is a huge task as your mental health can suffer as a result

You are only human (although a loving & strong partner) and living with someone that has this awful illness has the capability to have a detrimental effect on your mental health. The caring and attention is best left to a initial appointment(s) with a psychiatrist (or GP) followed up with fortnightly or even better weekly treatment.

Just out of respect for you AussieGal....I have had Depression for 23 years and sought advice from my GP early and she saved my career...my personal life and my peace of mind. I resisted the meds at first until I realised they provided me with a strong foundation that I could heal more effectively with using frequent therapy. I still see my GP every 4 weeks for a 'fine tune'

Here is the link (copy and paste...sorry) for the K10 Depression/Anxiety Check list for your information;

www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety-and-depression-checklist-k10

Untreated depression has the ability to undermine a relationship.

The Good News 🙂.....Any degree of depression can be successfully treated so the sufferer can have much of their peace of mind back (which of course includes your peace of mind too) with frequent visits to their counselor (and not holding back on letting the therapist know the truth with how they feel)

If you have any questions you are very welcome to post back as many times as you wish AussieGal. There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you

If you wish can you let me know how long your husband has had these symptoms? The forums are a safe place to post. Your privacy is paramount here

I hope some of that has been helpful

My kind thoughts

Paul

[stormcloudz]

Hi AussieGal

Would your husband be willing to go to counselling with you so you can gently discuss the things that are difficult in your relationship?

That may be easier than you trying to figure a way of raising the issue with him, and a good counsellor will work hard to keep both of you feeling included and empowered.

I know it's hard to discuss these issues with someone who is in the midst of deep depression, I have been in those shoes myself.

Dont hesitate to get some help for yourself too. Here on the board, or anywhere else that's available. It's tiring and can wear you down, you need people you can talk to, and who will help you keep some perspective (though you seem to be doing a great job of that, good on you).

[Scooper7]

Hi Aussie Girl

This is my first post.

l faced similar challenges for a couple years with my wife. Our relationship was rock solid for 15 years then 2.5 years ago it was turned upside down it’s been very challenging to say the least, her denial was tearing us apart. l know the black dog well as my mother suffered with it throughout my childhood and teenage years my bother and l basically raised each other and my sister was fortunate enough to live at Nan’s place. Mum never got the help, for this awful illness it was more or less swept under the carpet by our peers. Mums 80 and still struggles till this day. Only very recently my wife finally realised that she is suffering with major depression, and has taken the steps to help herself. I feel relieved and really hope she recovers. And l to need to heal from this exhausting experience that l have and still am facing. Aussie girl you just need to hang in there and if you do love him than never give up cause one day he to ‘will realise’ and get the help that he needs. Just try and look after yourself, best you can.

All the best

scooper