Highly Sensitive People (HSP)

[white knight]

Are you sensitive? If so you might be in the range of a HSP. Studies show up to 15-30% of people could fall into this category. And I thought I was alone!

Have you had the comments

”you should toughen up”

”don’t be so sensitive”

Yet these people don’t realise that your sensitivity is part of you, your personality. It’s like you suggesting they grow shorter as “you are too tall” How absurd.

Sensitive people have strong inner feelings, can be creative in things like writing, like to help other people or animals and generally care deeply in their convictions.

So people that criticise us are in effect bullying us to be someone we are not. If possible stand up for yourself because sure as yabbies bite your toes, if you don’t then you’ll be walked over.

We cant all be without sensitivity, we can’t all be low in emotion... not everyone is a highly sensitive person, if they were they’d understand how our world is full of inner feelings and also wonderful in a strange way because we “feel” and that my friend is priceless...

TonyWK

[white knight]

Hi Quirky

People... the most problematic of all my issues beyond illness. So much so taking off 5 times from society to the Snowy mountains to rid them from my life only to return days later without an answer.

Hence the prevention technique (fortress of survival) then realisation of the half answer (who wants to be a hermit). Both threads cover the dilemma.

So, I think I was desperate to act and find a defence against toxic people.

Hence, none in my life at all now and its bliss.

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

Tony

I suppose a few of the people I have in my life can have toxic moments but not all the time.

I am glad your life is now bliss.

[therising]

Hi Quirky

I can relate to what you say about sarcasm and how it may may not hold the same impact as putting things bluntly. I should say the straight talker in me is, without a doubt, somewhat sarcastic. An example that comes to mind may involve someone saying 'Why don't you wear make up these days? You'd look so much nicer with a little make up'. The straight talker could chime in with 'I suppose you're right. Perhaps if I painted my face to look better, so I could look different from who I naturally am, I'd be more acceptable'. By the way, I've never said this to anyone. Such sarcasm can leave you being labelled as 'Touchy', 'A bi*ch' and so on. It doesn't have you seen as being direct. I smile when I imagine asking the straight talker in me 'Do you want to be direct or amusing?'. I think sarcasm, if used a certain way, can be a form of personal amusement. It doesn't necessarily matter how it's taken, it's more so about whether it creates a form of personal amusement. I typically only use sarcasm toward someone who's soul destroying. Prefer to amuse myself than have my soul destroyed.

If sarcasm is misinterpreted, the straight talker may prompt us to say 'Was I not clear in what I was trying to say?'.

Personally, I still have trouble managing the people pleaser in me. One particular person in my life comes to mind in this case. He is one of the nicest most supportive people you could ever meet. He really is incredible, yet when he's not being nice...well...he's a complete a-hole. When he's being this way, I just can't bring the straight talker or the bi*ch in me to life. I'm still not sure why this is the case and it drives me crazy at times. Perhaps it's because he's someone I've always looked up to, therefor I don't perceive him as being on the same level as me. I feel worth less than him in some ways. He can lead me to feel even more worthless when he's being degrading. Okay, think I just worked it out. The straight talker in me would say to him 'If you think your opinions are more valuable than mine, then you're deluded. The fact you don't want to hear my opinions doesn't reduce their value' 🙂

I believe others test us, test our self love, our self respect, our faith in our self and so much more. Passing the test feels good. Not passing the test may simply mean there's more work to be done before we pass the next time around. I think we're always being tested to evolve beyond who we think we are. We're being tested to discover who we really are.

[CMF]

Hi all,

I find my high sensitivity makes me emotional & wanting to fix things that I can't. This then causes anger and anxiety.

Cmf x

[therising]

Hi CMF

I've found having the ability to sense what needs fixing is great, as long as everyone's on the same page. Whether it's some government body, our partner or whoever else, the second we meet with a highly triggering level of resistance we can become a different person - someone who's easily stressed or angered.

Feeling that deep need to change things for the better yet meeting with saboteurs is highly triggering. This is why I have great respect for people who've made significant changes in society and certain institutions throughout history. It blows my mind to think about some of the serious resistance they would have met with along the way. While Martin Luther King Jr was sensitive enough to feel the deep pain and sufferance of those he led, I imagine he was also sensitive enough to feel incredible levels of stress and anger triggered by those who were closed minded and resistant to change. I think being surrounded by a supportive group can make a difference. Being supported by those who not only help in the cause but also share the stress and anger means you're not left to feel the full force of everything on your own. You get to vent it too, not keep it all inside as it threatens to build.

Might sound a bit strange but one of my goals in life is to master being emotionally shut off to certain people. I want to preserve my energy, not have it drained. Some folk are definitely draining 🙂 I used to think emotional detachment was a fault in me until I had the realisation I could achieve more through emotional detachment than I could through making an emotional connection with some people. Taking it up a level, there are some who won't even listen to reason, therefor there's no need to waste time giving them a reason (aka reasoning with them). I suppose this is where the straight talker in us can come in.

When speaking to someone on the other end of the phone (let's call them Joe), the straight talker might sound a little like 'Hi Joe, I need someone to manage this issue for me. Can you manage it or is this something your manager manages? Do I need to speak to your manager and save us both a whole lot of stress?'. If the people pleaser in me was in play, they wouldn't want to possibly upset Joe by asking to speak to his manager. The straight talker doesn't feel emotion like the people pleaser does. Kinda sounds a little insane but, surprisingly, it works.

The question can be 'What part of myself do I need to channel/tune into, to get the job done?'.

[white knight]

Hi

Choices, great to have them.

The choice when someone is sarcastic and therefore - hurtful. I took the route when young to run and hide. Never reply in any way but being a "people pleaser". Then as I approached 50yo (15 years ago) My tack changed. I was tired of being hurt by those that exercised their choices to hurt me through comments. So my choice became - better to reply quickly with a question/s to go straight to the core of the topic. Questions demand answers, answers give clarity. Then I'd reply to that clarity in a tone and with words equally or just exceeding the tone and content of the other persons onslaught.

That left me with three possible results

• A commanding position whereby they apologise for upsetting me (people pleaser reversal)
• There is a sense of neutrality, of co- agreement that comments/tone wasnt worthy or justified.
• A risk of elevation to conflict.

All three were preferred than after they left my company I dwelled for days regretting not saying anything.

TonyWK

[white knight]

Hi CMF,

I hear you. I'd like to recommend the threads (read just the first post)

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/nip-it-in-the-bud-ideas

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk-

Like to know your thoughts

TonyWK

[white knight]

Hi the rising

Re: "The question can be 'What part of myself do I need to channel/tune into, to get the job done?'."

The 1980's Tony is in his 20's. After years in the military and warder in jails I end up in Telstra (them days Telecom). I'm a labourer/truck driver. I soon found out what its like to work with other people.

• Some (a good proportion) filled up company cars in the morning and placed their morning tea and lunch costs to the fuel bill paid on the company card!)
• When hard at labour pulling cables with 6 of us, only 3 were actually pulling the cable, the rest simply acted like they were.
• Theft was rife. Garden hoses, even plants from peoples front yard
• With no intention of actually working, any opportunity to sit in a pit and do nothing was the choice, pitting as others like me wanted to work and had fear of getting caught doing nothing- there was no empathy.
• There was not a tiny bit of emotional sharing between workers.

A bit off topic but I and some others in such a working environment found themselves unhappy. If we reported them we'd be ostracised (and I was eventually about 2 years later when my endurance ran out). Joining them on their immortal crusades wasnt an option for me.

I acknowledged that my need was to work alone. Eventually in the year 1999 I returned to investigation work and indeed worked alone.

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Tony

I occasionally ask myself 'Why does life have to be so challenging in so many little and sometimes big ways?'. Why can't it be simple? Why does learning life's lessons have to be such an ongoing challenge? I smile when what comes to mind for me personally is 'Well, do you want to gradually delete the self limiting, stressful, depressing mental programs in your head or not?'. I think one of the toughest things in life comes down to 'waking up' to feeling the deep need for constructive change. If only that need felt wonderful and happy and inspirational but a lot of the time the need can feel horrible, depressing and stressful. It's like horror, sadness, stress and intolerance eventually forces our hand in some constructive way.

The mental programs that we're raised with can be so hard to delete at times. The mental programs put into our head that dictate 'Please people, don't upset them. If you upset them they're reject you', 'Don't be a whistleblower, an outcast amongst your clan', 'Don't question anyone in authority, even if their behaviour is highly questionable' and the list goes on. In other words 'Do anything it takes to belong, even if it means living with suppression, oppression, depression and abuse to varying degrees'. To be outspoken, to be a 'whistleblower', to be well and confidently prepared for rejection are typically not programs we're raised with. Can take decades before waking up to feeling the need to develop them and reject the old ones that don't serve us. To reform our self in such a way can be a monumental and sometimes incredibly lonely task, riddled with challenges.

I think it's a shame that 'feelings' are not things we're raised to better understand. Perhaps we'd see rejection as something other than painful, in some cases. To be rejected by someone who we can't tolerate having a connection with may come to be felt as 'Them severing the connection first, before we do'. Whether they choose or we do, there can be relief eventually felt through disintegrating a connection with someone who's slowly destroying us or someone who chooses to serve themself more than anyone else.

I think one of the greatest challenges for a HSP can come down to redefining certain feelings, so that what we're really sensing begins to work in our favour. Sometimes sensing that feeling known as 'down' can tell us things are 'heading south' and it's time to consciously change direction. 'Down' can be a very telling feeling and a deeply challenging one.

[white knight]

Hi

As I read your post therising I was thinking of the ideal response to "down" and "feelings" and why life can be so challenging. It's common denominator- people. If you were the first and only person to live on Mars you'll have a lot of challenges but not of the type you have here now.

So a story- at 31yo a dog ranger for a council. Part of my job was to patrol the parking areas of the town and issue the dreaded but necessary parking fines. One day I got a complaint. A large white car parked in a disabled bay. I issues the nominal $12 fine (1987) and all ok. Next morning my boss asked me about it. After explaining eg a complaint, no disability sticker, he ordered me to "not issue any more fines to that car". Turned out to be a state ministers Govt vehicle. I was outraged. Pensioners, unemployed had to pay why not him. It fell on deaf ears. My decision? keep issuing as my charter allowed. 3 more fines followed but I never went out of my way, just did my job. We argued... pain in my chest attended DR. ECG- abnormal heart beat- diagnosis heart attack- off work. Before my last hour at work found all such fines (to that car) were withdrawn by the town clerk. I copied all doc's.

3 months later - had a heart test- found heart had normal beat (faulty machine at DR's, and pain in chest was panic attack. Relief by Dr refused to allow my work return. Another council worker leaked all information to local papers. Council replied that there was no preferential treatment. I replied with evidence fines were indeed withdrawn. Some counselors were angry at town clerk etc. I had meeting with the ombudsman, he sympathised but was toothless.

I lost my job, it had a strain on my family and friends. So what were my alternatives? 1/ obey the order. Risk factor? the complainant would know I was ignoring that car! 2/ take the matter higher? the town clerk was highest, he was the one that issued the order. 3/ suggest to my boss that he patrol that street, I'd do the others.I thought of that months later.

Some in that profession said I was "too righteous and sensitive" (Were they too corrupt?). One day I filled up with fuel in that town. The station owner approach and shook my hand "well done in doing the right thing". It was my only reward, but its the only reward I needed.

People, corruption, lack of moral fibre, nasty egoistic people... My therapist said "Tony, you are black and white in a world of 8 billion people of different shades of grey". But they are too grey!

TonyWK