Hi BB

[Rarra]

My name is Sharra and I have been struggling with my depression for over a decade now. Despite the very hectic, overwhelming thoughts in my brain I can usually self-soothe myself to some degree, but lately I have been finding it harder. I recently decided to tell a couple of people about my suicidal thoughts, which was a very big step for me as I have generally internalised everything. One person could not handle this information at all, and one stopped speaking to me shortly after. I thought I would come here for some comfort and to feel less alone in my feelings, because I know everyone is hurting this year and feeling a lot, but I am really struggling to connect with anybody about my emotions.

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to the forums, Rarra, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community.

Well done for sharing something so personal with people you trusted, this can be so hard to do and as you've mentioned, can sometimes change relationships. We hope that some people you shared this with, responded as you would like and offered support and understanding. 

Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We're sure that a lot of our community members can relate to what you've described here, and hopefully, some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness.

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it. 

[sunnyl20]

Hi Sharra,

I am sorry to hear you are hurting so much. It must be devastating that the people you opened up to have shut you off. Please know that this is not always the case. You are not alone in what you are experiencing. I can understand you must feel shattered and that maybe you feel you cannot trust anyone with your thoughts but please know that there are people that care and want to help you, even if you may not have found them yet. Is there anyone else that you feel you can seek out to support you at the moment? And is there anything that has helped you in the past when you have struggled with suicidality? You may have tried it already in the past, but if you struggle with internalising everything, it may be helpful to externalise your thoughts/feelings e.g. by writing or finding a creative outlet.

Take care Sharra and hope to hear from you soon.

[Flowertop]

Hi Sharra

It sounds like you have been having a rough time. I can totally related to ongoing feelings of depression and finding it harder to self sooth or distract from this especially with the COVID restrictions and inability to forward plan.
Good for you for reaching out and speaking to some friends about your suicidal thoughts. That is a starting point for healing. Although their response was not what would of been helpful, you don’t know what they are going through or what history they have with this.
I have contacted lifeline before which I have found really helpful and a great outlet for expressing my emotions and organising my thoughts.

As I said, I have been battling depression and trying to do it on my own for years. Recently I found myself in a freeze state and consumed by flatness. I finally decided to seek professional help and the difference has been remarkable. Now I realise that my depression was forcing me to stay in that state. Although I still have a way to go and know I will have bouts of depression from time to time, I am feeling more positive about life and people.
This is a great place to express your emotions.

Stay safe. Kind regards

[Rarra]

I am fortunate enough to have a very close friend who is very supportive, and we speak daily. Unfortunately, Covid sent us both back to our home countries, and now that support is a little strained with time differences and physical space. In reaching out to those around me back home and not getting that same support, it felt super lonely.

One of my biggest struggles with depression is that I don't want anyone else to feel those same bad feelings, and I can usually be quite helpful when offering advice, so I tend to exhaust myself ensuring everyone else is okay around me. I find this a bit fulfilling, but at the end of the day feel tired and still yearning for connection. I travelled for some years, and though my depression was there in the background, I could easily make friends and have introspective, interesting conversations. Since I have moved home this year, that feels a bit harder for some reason. I feel like I'm taking on a lot of others hurt and perhaps being a bit unrealistic that that care could be mutual, given everyone has different capacities.

Im a pretty creative person, and my emotions definitely come out in my art, but I have been finding it a little harder to get myself to focus on it.

Even just reading these posts has been uplifting though, and where this morning I could not speak to another human being without tearing up, I now feel a bit of warmth and strength. Thanks

[sunnyl20]

Hi Sharra,

It makes it difficult with time differences but I am so glad to hear that you feel able to talk to that close friend. It sounds like you are so caring and giving towards others but maybe you are getting a little burnt out from it? Especially when you don't feel like that giving and receiving is mutual, make sure you look out for yourself too, it's okay to take time out - you can't pour from an empty cup - take care of you too. Keep doing what you can and don't lose hope Sharra. This space is always here if you need to talk.