Here We Go Again

[Cucuboth]

So, here we go again. In to yet another year. Another year that starts like the last one ended. And the one before that. And before that. And continue that another 25+ times. Had another Christmas alone. And another New Year's Eve. My therapist said to try and get my family involved in some form of physical contact ... a hug for instance. But no. They don't want to. So that's that door shut. Again. And they are the only people in my life. I've been writing to another online forum as well as this one, but, it's not doing much good. A lot of same old cliched 'advice' that I have tried to death already. A few that say "message me if you want to talk", so I do, and never hear from them again. Not that any are in Australia anyway. The feeling of isolation is just .... it's like I am being choked. Slowly. I called Lifeline yet again, and yet again got the same disinterest. Yay Lifeline ... way to make someone feel even more worthless. It's going to be another year of the same thing. There's no more hope to hold on to. Just like there's nobody who will hold me. Maybe there is some kind of symmetry in that, I don't know. I can't do this on my own, and yet there is nobody who wants to help. There's only so many times you can 'put yourself out there' again. And again. And again. Only so many hobbies you can have. Only so many times you can ignore it, focus on something else and hope that it will happen 'someday when you least expect it'. Because it never does. I'm just expected to shut up and be happy alone. To be happy, lonely. And I just can't do that.

[Starwolf]

Hi Cucuboth, good to meet you.

Just letting you know that you are heard. Because I once found myself in a dark pit of despair too, with hopelessness as sole companion. That was many years ago. I'm no longer there but still here, connecting with you.

You are feeling "advised out" so I will not offer any suggestions. What is it you are expecting from these forums, how best can we help you ?

Many people have found calling Lifeline helpful, a start to a positive turnaround so your negative experience with it comes as a bit of a surprise. Have you tried the BB helpline (1300 22 4636) ?

You believe that no one cares, but those lines and forums where created with care in mind. Those who post here to help those in need do so voluntarily, just because they care and try to make whatever small difference they can.

Developing emotional self-sufficiency can be hard work. I know, as I chose many years ago to cut off contact with a toxic family, later with a couple of equally toxic relationships. I have lived alone many years but feel no longer lonely. I guess it all depends on our particular level of dependency on others.

We at BB are here to help and support you but it would be easier if you tell us first about your expectations. We're all different so all have specific needs. It is true that interaction around these forums cannot replace face to face communication. It is not meant to. However, anonymity allows more in depth connection than is usually possible in the outside world. There's a lot being said here that members choose to stay here, because it is a safe place. Because it is understood... minus judgment.

If what you need is to voice silent suffering, then you are in the right spot. Please feel free to unload the overload...we are listening.

Here for you.

[Cucuboth]

Hi Starwolf,

Thanks for your reply. I don't know what to expect from these forums, because most, if not all, other forums I have been to and tried only provide the same cliched advice, or to be totally ignored. These forums were suggested by Lifeline when I called them before Christmas (I've called them twice in about a week, out of utter loneliness), and it was the only thing they really suggested. All other suggestions they made I have tried, many, many times in the last 25 years, and one other forum they suggested to go actually closed down in July 2016.

I don't have any friends. Never have. There's nobody to go out with, do anything with, share anything with. There's no connection with anyone, and I have been trying to find that for the last 25 years. My family think that I should just accept what life has given me, and live life alone. My current therapist, doctor, and mental health case manager all dither and avoid the subject. Anyone else just makes a joke that I will have to pay for someone to be with me. That's always been a joke in my life, that if I want any contact with anyone, the only way anyone will do it is if I pay them. But, like I said, I don't have any friends, not even any anquintinses. I go through most days without even anyone to talk with, or only the most basic 'small talk'. Any attempt to go beyond that gets shot down.

I'm 40 now, and have never felt any physical contact that I can remember. Not a hug. Not a held hand. Nothing. The only advice my therapist has said to try is to get my family to provide some form of physical contact, but they just aren't interested. I can't make them do something they don't want to do. Sometimes, the need for physical contact is like a physical pain, made worse by knowing there's nobody who will. There's just no outlet for it. And I mean physical contact with another person, not a pet or anything. I have had many pets over the years.

I have also done volunteer work, with several charities over the years, and each experience wasn't a pleasant one. The same with online dating and friendship sites. I have plenty of hobbies, but never find anyone to connect with or even talk with there. I've been going to a walking group all last year, and nobody there is interested in talking with me. I am lost. And nobody seems to want to help.

[White_Rose]

Hello Cucuboth

Loneliness is a burden many of must carry and it definitely is not nice. I am sad for you that you feel so alone and lost. Like Starwolf I am reluctant to make suggestions because you have heard it all before. And that I can most definitely relate to.

I have found, for me, that talking helps me to figure out what to do next. As this is not an option for you just now, would you consider talking via this forum. It seems someone is around almost 24 hours a day and very happy to chat about whatever is on your mind. Have you looked in the BB Social Zone? This is people 'congregate' to chat about all sorts of things and play games. There are virtual cafes, word games, favourite quotes and heaps of other threads. It's not deep and meaningful conversation but a place to talk when mental health issues get too heavy. I think it may be helpful for you to have someone to 'talk' to or play games, write poetry, talk about films and musicians or whatever.

I know it's not a substitute for face to face conversations and physical contact but many people find it helpful. May I suggest you check it out.

Regardless of the outcome of the Social Zone perhaps you would like to continue this conversation and together we may find a way to help. When I write replies to others I find much of the time I am writing to myself. The problems are different as are the solutions, but the conversation can develop our recognition of solutions. Perhaps you would like to browse BB and talk to others as well as write here. All help is welcomed.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Cucuboth,

I'd like to welcome you to the community here as well. Sounds like you have tried different things to connect with people. It is not easy at times, I understand that.

We moved to this region 4 years ago, it has taken a while to meet new people. I joined a volunteer group and felt like I didn't fit in at all, so didn't go for a month then returned with a changed attitude, telling myself I would get the most out of all the group had to offer even if I did feel like I didn't fit in.

Maybe it was just me and my way of thinking that made me feel like I didn't fit in.

One way I have found to get some people talking is to ask them about themselves. I did that on Sunday and one guy chatted on for ages after Church. I learnt he had been to Antarctica and Greenland amongst many other places.

Regarding contact with other people, I sometimes go and have an oil massage for that. I do have a husband but once I hit about 30 (I am now 50) he decided I was not 21 any more and didn't want me touching him! By the way he is the same age as me and about 30 kilos heavier...and I am the one with the problem.

Anyway, this is about you and not me! Recently I have heard of people talking about "Meet Up" Groups. Have you had anything to do with them at all?

It really can be frustrating when you don't know how to find any help. If you continue with the walking group, see if there is someone new in the group and ask them questions about themselves.

I'm not sure what else to suggest. Wish I had some great ideas for you...then I would have answers for myself as well!

Just had a thought, you mentioned volunteer situations not working out in the past, would you consider helping the elderly? I'm sure there are plenty of old dears who would love a hug a chat or a hand massage. I know that is probably not the age group you are wanting to focus on, but it might be a start to help boost your self confidence.

You are certainly welcome to make any comments on my suggestions. By doing so myself and others might be able to come up with some other ideas for you.

Cheers for now from Dools

[Starwolf]

Thank you Cucuboth for replying and providing more insight into your loneliness issue.

One thing is certain, you will not be ignored here. There will always be someone willing to interact with you in this cyber spot.

Re your need for physical contact, have you thought of indulging remedial massage therapy ? When well done, it can also affect your state of mind. It is often taken for granted that the brain sends messages to the body. As someone who practices therapeutic touch, I can assure you that it works both ways. Our bodies store emotions and experiences. Undoing those physical knots and tangles helps release a lot of negativity. Please understand I am not talking about mindless body rubbing ! Perhaps you would find looking into this helpful...if only to alleviate the need for physical contact and pampering.

May I ask what YOUR thoughts are re the reasons why other people respond to you so reluctantly ? Perhaps insight into the root cause may be a first step towards bridging the gap between you and others. It is true that many people balk at the mention of mental conditions. Social isolation is a common by-product but what is it that makes your situation so extreme ? Many sufferers also have acquaintances, friends and families...though not always ideally understanding and supportive. Sometimes, perceiving us as needy of closeness is enough to scare people away.

I suggest you keep questioning your therapists...part of their job is to either answer questions that are important to you or help you figure the answers yourself.

Unfortunately, there is little we can do if "you have tried everything and it didn't work". But if you choose to hang around the forums, there will be others to connect and chat with.

I believe you may have more to offer than you think. Your contribution here will be much appreciated.

[Cucuboth]

Hi Starwolf,

The thing with massage therapy is that it's still paying for some form of physical touch. There's no emotional connection there, and they are really not doing it by choice, but because you are paying them to. It's always been a joke that I will have to pay for any type of human contact and interaction. The only chance for conversation I really have is with doctors, therapists, and my mental health case manager. All people who, at the end of it, are being paid to talk with me. I suppose I just want the chance to experience it with someone who has chosen to, maybe because they actually care. I'm rather sick and tired of feeling like I am just some file, some number, something that is put up with for a an hour, money taken, and then pushed out the door again. It just adds to the feeling of being worthless. Of not even being human, especially when nobody will touch you.

I don't know why it happens to me. It always has. I always seem to, well, attract the bullies, even in my youngest days. All through primary school, all through high school, in to university, and then work. At all groups and clubs I have joined or been to. At volunteering. Everywhere. I even get things said to me, at random by people I don't know and have never seen. I've been spat at. Getting laughed at, in public, is fairly common for me. I've always been called ugly. Or unusual looking. When I was young I was skinny, so I would get bullied about how I would snap in the wind, or disappear behind a pole. In High School, girls would joke that if I was with them, I would break like a twig. Then, once I started to finally put some weight on (at about the age of 20), I suddenly became too fat. I'm pale, I burn, not tan, so I can't spend all day out in the sun, even with a hat and sunscreen. I don't drink, or smoke, or use any drugs. All my own choice. They just never interested me. So, I've never been invited to a party. Not even a birthday party as a kid.

As silly as it might sound, I sometimes think that never having friends just makes me an open target, simply because nobody cares. I'm not important ... physically, emotionally, mentally, or in any way. Often, when I've been bullied, it is seeing people who are watching this happen and not saying or doing a thing to help, that hurts more than the actual bullying. I've never had, never experienced, any support or encouragement. I basically get told to just be invisible to everyone. And that just doesn't work.

[Cucuboth]

Hi Doolhof,

Thanks for your reply. I have tried volunteer work with the elderly. It was one of the places where I encountered a lot of bullying (as always), and so found no connection with anyone there.

I've also tried meetup.com groups, the few that seem to be in my area that I am interested in anyway. Again, like most groups, I found I just didn't fit in, didn't find anyone willing to talk with me, couldn't join in the conversations, and generally just found myself, once again, the 'odd one out'.

I think I covered the massage thing in my last reply to Starwolf above. To me, it would just be like confirming that all the bullies have been right.

I don't know what to do. All anyone really seems to say is to keep trying. But, I just feel like I am at the end. I'm so tired, so sick, so ... lonely. And that that sounds pathetic makes it even worse. There's just no shimmer of hope, a light, something to say I'm on the right path, something to hold on to. I feel like I have been thrown away like a piece of rubbish that nobody even wanted to try .... and that's one of the things that is really, REALLY, tiring, when it feels like you're the only one trying. And I'm just so tired and frustrated.

[Guest_1055]

Hi Cucuboth

You almost sound like you are crying behind the words you have written in here. I am so sorry you have been struggling for so long. And it is understandable you would feel frustrated and perhaps just fed up with with everything.

Your expressed need for human physical touch reminds me of some things I learnt in this support group that I attend. The topic was "the five love languages". One of the love languages was" physical touch".This means that the people belonging to this group feel loved and express love best by giving and receiving hugs, pats on the arm, holding hands etc. It is not only romantic type love but all kinds, friendship, family etc. My second strongest love language is physical touch. I generally like hugging people even on Beyond Blue. So will you accept my cheery virtual one?

Anyway this could explain why you partly feel the way you do. I am only sharing this because I do understand that sometimes all one wants is someone to actually give them a hug, especially more so if your love language is in fact "physical touch".

So here is a second one for you.....

[Cucuboth]

Hi Shelley Anne,

You're not wrong there. Today I had to find a quiet side-street, pull over, and cry, and all that set me off was seeing a couple walking along holding hands, and just having that overwhelming feeling that I will never know what it is like to experience that. That's happening more and more often, to be honest.

Fed up with everything sounds about right too. Fed up with myself for not being able to be like everyone else. Fed up with having asked for help back in 1999, and still trying to find it, find someone, all these years later. Fed up with being told to keep trying the same things, over and over and over again, and fed up that I can't just turn my emotions off like a light-switch.

I suppose I am most fed up with the constant feeling that I am, and what I feel, and need, are invalid. Or, that it's normal to feel these things, to want them, but not normal for me to actually get to experience them. Unless they are reduced to just a cold, empty, business transaction.

Thank you for your 'virtual hugs'. I just wish they were real, or that I knew what a hug really felt like.