helplessness

[saraht885]

i never know who will be in charge of my body each day.

i feel two strong opposing forces driving me insane inside. One moment im eager to grab out my diary and plan and map out events but then immediately clouded over, and the world goes back to being inconceivable.

im struggling to converse with people, have grown shy, sleeping for 12 hours a day yet still exhausted, barely using my brain but feel mentally fatigued, become lost for words, absolute no interest in any kind of activity and definitely dont want to hang out with anyone.

i have never seen a doctor or specialist regarding how i feel, and dont see a point, yet im posting on here but i dont know why. i cant find any reason to this life and nothing is holding me here to stay. theres no enjoyment and people are awful. ive lost all motivation and really dont want to be slave to this.

i dont indentify myself as depressed, but hopeless and wish i wasnt in this world.

i guess i just wanted to use this forum to some what express my current state. i dont see things getting better and dont want to be made numb by medication or have the burden of someone listening to me whine about this.

it was a good distraction typing this out, and im sorry if you read this

[Sophie_M]

Hi Saraht885

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken the step to share your thoughts and feelings with our online community. We are sorry to hear you are feeling helpless. We understand this must feel overwhelming, especially if you struggle to open up to others and to reach out. We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will offer you words of wisdom and kindness here.

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. Or you might be interested in reading about the journey of someone who at one point felt hopeless - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/losing-hope-finding-hope  We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it. 

[therising]

Hi saraht885

My heart goes out to you. Definitely tough when we're trying to make sense of our self but just can't seem to be able to put our finger on what's going on.

Would you say you're wanting to find difference in life but you just don't know what the difference is that you're actually looking for? Not having the energy to make a difference can feel like a double blow.

Can't help but wonder what hope looks or feels like for you. Myself, I can have those periods in life where I think 'I feel so hopeless and uninspired. I feel so drained, so exhausted'. Eventually it will click when inspiration comes to mind 'Who or what is leading you to feel hope or inspiration? Who or what is leading you to feel more energetic and less drained?' The answer is typically 'Nothing and/or no one'. I can come to realise that the people around me aren't all that full of practical inspiration and they can actually be draining me somewhat. Wondering if this is the case for you.

If there's someone/something making a difference to me, I'll feel it. If there's some real genuine inspiration present, I'll feel that too. Throw a bit of active love into the mix and I will also feel that. It's gotta be an active kind of love, not the sort where people simply say 'I love you'. It's the kind of love that inspires growth, adventure and excitement. Being so sensitive to my 'feelings' (physical emotion), I can definitely sense when there's no difference and no inspiration in my life. I can also have those moments when I'm just not feeling the love.

This leads me to wonder whether what you're feeling is a lack of something. Feeling a lack of energy can be impacting too. Wondering what energy you're putting in, charging you up. I find quality of sleep, quality of diet, quality of hydration and solar power (vitamin D) will sometimes determine quality of life/energy. Sometimes the energy that comes through our iron levels and B12 levels etc can be worth investigating also.

In speaking more about the natural aspects of life, I also give consideration to the less romantic side - We're like a big bag of chemistry and chemical reactions. The chemistry that's produced through excitement, adventure (adding ventures), pay off, difference etc can play a part in how we tick. The lack of things in life during COVID lock down was like like a chemical cocktail for depression for some people.

Do you think what you're feeling is a lack of things? It's a horrible feeling at times, that's for sure.

🙂