Helping a partner with depression

[Bonnie-mae]

Hi all,

So me and my boyfriend have been together for a few years now and he suffered from a medical condition when he was younger, that has lead to him developing depression at a young age. He has handled it over the years very well and only comes up every now and again. Only last year was he operated on and finally the medical issue has been fixed. But recently he has gone quiet and come to me and his family and has told us that his depression is back. He is now distancing himself from everyone even me and the only person he talks to about this is his mum. I have approached him about it and he said he doesn't want to bring me down with him so therefore he doesn't like discussing his depression with me. I am obviously not going anywhere and he knows that but I am just struggling with how I am meant to help him. I have never been in this situation before and it's all a bit overwhelming and trying to consider both him and myself is taking it's toll on me. I am trying to he there and support him but I feel useless, because I don't know how to help him when he is down like this.

I would love some advice or tips on how to approach someone with depression and how I could possibly help my boyfriend so he isn't alone while recovering from this.

[blondguy]

Hello Bonnie-mae

Welcome and great to have you on the forums too!

I do feel your pain trying to provide support to a loved one with depression. This can be a difficult and sometimes stressful place to be in Bonnie. I have had depression for 23 years (in recovery) and it can be a dark place to be in.....yet it was up to me to find peace...not my girlfriend.....at the time

What concerns me is when your boyfriend mentioned that he 'didnt want to bring you down'.....This can be a issue as anyone with diagnosed depression will want the support/TLC of a girlfriend

It is sad that he is distancing himself from everyone and as you have posted..yourself too

His recovery will come from his health professional(s)....Can I ask how often your boyfriend attends counseling for his depression? A person with diagnosed depression will benefit from frequent counseling Bonnie

Beyond Blue have excellent information on looking after yourself as a person that is providing (trying to) support to someone with depression. Your health actually comes first here. The bulk of the responsibility does fall on your boyfriend. You can only do so much at this time Bonnie. Copy & Paste link is for you below

www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself

The topic discussed in the link above apply to you Bonnie

The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Bonnie-mae,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for your post. I'm so glad that you're here in wanting to support your partner.

I'm understanding from your post that your partner doesn't want to 'bring you down' by talking about it, but in a sense it kind of is, because you don't know what's happening or how you can help. That sounds almost ironic to me, because in a (good intentioned) attempt, it's kind of backfired.

For me personally, it doesn't click when I'm feeling depressed. I avoid talking to people because I don't want to burden them, but I've learned (and am learning) that it's more burdening for them not to know. Once they know, then they can understand what's going on - so it feels like we're in this together. Have you shared with him about how you're feeling when he doesn't reach out, and that sense of feeling useless? I think that's important. It might even help to have a chat with his mum, if that's something that you are open to.

I hope this helps,

[Bonnie-mae]

Yeah I have spoken with both his mum and his sister and they have both said that I just need to reassure him that I'm helping and wanting to talk.

Every time I try and talk to him about it he says he isn't an outgoing person and finds it hard to talk about things and say how he feels. He says he finds it easier if he handles it himself. He finds it really hard normally to express how he is feeling but in this state it's even worse. He knows I'm trying to help and he has told me that but he doesn't know how to accept it very well.

I can see that he is trying to communicate better with me over the past week but he still is isolating himself more than his normal self.