Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

[BBUser10]

Hi all

 not posted for awhile as things have been ok , not great but better.

my main issue at the moment is that when i start to have an episode (which is happening now) i start to let my mouth run away with me.... i cant seem to stop telling my wife all the bad things i am thinking and how i think she does not love me or support me, then that turns into to her getting upset then turns to arguing... i cant seem to get this under control and she does not know how to deal with me when i'm like this .... she asks me what she can do and to be honest i dont always know myself..... i seem to want to bring people down to feel like i feel and knowing that make me feel like a bad person :-(... this usually ends in us not talking to each other and she just walks passed me when im sat on the bed (i spend alot of time in the bedroom when down) and that makes me feel like she doesn't care.

also i have to really try and stop myself (this doesn't always work) from just telling her i want our relationship over .

 i presume this is common fight or flight response ... does anyone else act almost nasty when down ? how do i control my mouth ? i have thought about going away when this happens, but it's not practical as we have young children and i take them to school .

my wife is in a no win situation if she leaves me to it i resent her for not comming to 'help' me if she comes near me sometimes it helps but sometimes i lash out and she feels that she can do no right.

i hate the fact my depression in time will end my marriage, i exercise for 1 hour a day , i have lost weight all these things have helped as i do not need meds anymore (or at least its manageable)  but this nastyness is really affecting her 

Cheers Martin

[blondguy]

Good Morning Ze

Apologies for 'jumping' in here Ze. A warm welcome to the BB forums and you have brought up some very useful and positive coping mechanisms in your second paragraph in helping Martin and everyone else too 🙂

I am not a health professional Ze however when you mentioned about staying in your bedroom during your down time. You may require that 'time out' just to be by yourself...maybe to gather your thoughts. Please never feel dejected to opening up. That is a very strong personality trait/coping mechanism...and depending on the response of course is the best form of coping mechanism..Nice1 Ze

You also recognize your warning signs well. I have known those signs very well with anxiety/depression. I was just wondering if your husband would come along to even a GP you are comfortable with so he can see first hand what you are going through...a GP that you are comfortable with of course Ze. It may assist  both of you.

I think there are many points you bring up re calming that are so good to read..One of the girls here had started a post on walking (check for it on 'new posts') and its a classic and friendly post too.

You have a lot to offer here Ze...it would be great if you could spread your coping mechanisms around BB if you wish.

Thankyou for your positive and heartfelt post

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[OngoingJourney]

Morning Paul

Did my 1st post just before sleeping and as soon as I woke checked here, so it was real nice to see your encouraging post - thank you! Many thanks to the moderators for checking my post so quickly too. 

Not sure exactly how to do this, taken me over 2hrs to write lol as hard to cover everything in 1post, but I'll respond to ur comments that relate to Martin's topic in the hope anything I say here might resonate for u Martin and others re the same struggle. Re comment about feeling dejected for opening up- I agree Paul, DEFINETELY not an easy thing to do, and oneself (AND others) would be much better for it if we opened up more! What I was trying to get at though, particularly in intimate relationships is, if one has managed to go through that hurdle of sharing ur honest thoughts there is that unavoidable expectation of hope that the other will 'get it' and somehow can relate/help even if you tell urself don’t expect anything. But when you see no signs of that, it makes it really hard to keep opening up/be calm/ collected- especially if you're going through a very difficult emotionally turbulent period. It's hard not to feel dejected, can ‘end in us not talking to each other’/ saying 'I want out' etc.

Not saying these are the right/ wrong behaviours nor don’t use professional support/ there maybe better ways to handle etc. but maybe sometimes it’s just the natural course? Suppose u just have to keep reminding urself all of this helps (u and relationship) even if you don't feel like it ever does/can't see big changes/empathy/understanding. Seen this mentioned in other threads- perhaps it's that mutual understanding we need to get to in a relationship 'it's a storm/disaster right now but you've gone through it in the past and you will again'. Sometimes just recognizing that to urself helps. And one hopes n' could ask that the partner recognizes and respects that. If this strategy is new to you it’s helped me at times. 

Of course one strategy doesn’t seem to work every time. Sometimes ur so tired of the ('constant') roller coaster and just want to free urself from the additional burden even if u know ur partner will stick w u regardless. Or u might feel u ‘deserve’ someone who would respect it- not someone who watches a comedy n' laugh while u're in next room completely shattered. But then again u know they also need some solace/keep bz. ALL of what u said Martin is bang on for me! If anything, yes, u've got a partner in crime :S/:). Ze

[Goofy41]

Thank you all for this conversation. I posted around this time last month about difficulties I was having in my relationship - basically my husband has been carrying me for a long time and our relationship has been suffering because of it. The posts then were helpful, but these recent comments have helped me to fill in more pieces of the puzzle. Does it surprise anyone else to read that depression skews your view, even if it seems reasonable to you? Nobody has ever told me this, but it helps to explain so much of what has been going on for me and my husband.

Martin I have no wise words of wisdom for you, but I can tell you that understanding how depression is for you is the first step in figuring out how to control it. I've been keeping a diary over the past 2 months and have realised that it is very much a cycle for me. My husband and I have just had another massive argument which has resulted in him not speaking to me again. If I'd looked back in my diary this morning before opening my mouth I would have maybe avoided yet another week of not knowing whether I will be married by the end of it. My hope is that next time I start 'stewing' over something, I am able to stop and think about what other options I might have before I let loose.

[blue_eyes_90]

Thank you for letting me know about that fact about depression skewing our views on things.

I myself come home after work in a nasty mood i try telling my partner just dont see to much into it its just me having a crappy day. But he tells me its every day so i guess my views are different to his. 

I just have to find them and change them i guess thank you.

[blondguy]

Hi Ze

I know I am late with my reply...and your thoughts are great to read...and are of a great help to others on the forums too. Your post is very important especially where a partner is concerned.

I will keep this as basic and as relevant as I can....

* Overthinking Depression can only complicate the problem....

* An understanding partner is a bonus for sure...If you are suffering the support is invaluable

* Try to accept the depression without concerning yourself about your partners' attitude/care level

* A GP is the first step to recovery....even to get a 'handle' on whats happening (even both of you)

* If you partner doesnt wish to help or empathizes with your health and watches a comedy when you are in pain..talk to them...You would have everything to gain and nothing to lose Ze

Your post is a good one Ze...It is difficult to track and monitor under Martin's post...You have a lot to offer other people on BB....If you wish to..write your own topic for a new thread and that would be great...and you will get a lot of feedback from the kind and wonderful people on the BB Forums...

Sorry about the late reply Ze...:-)

Paul

[Juliet_84]

Hi Martin,

I applaud you for acknowledging your behavior and wanting to change it. As someone who has been on the receiving end of constant criticism, I can empathize with your wife at how hard it is, how worthless you feel, and almost afraid in your own home, it's a soul-destroying feeling. I think empathy is what you need to develop, empathy for your wife. Try and practice thinking of all the good things that she does, how she helps and supports you, even if she doesn't always say the right thing. I too often feel very depressed but I try to never lash out at others as this is my problem, not theirs, they have the option to walk away and I don't want that. Instead I thank them when people do things for me, they don't have to, everyone has their own stuff and they don't need to put up with mine, they're not here to serve me. I think as depressive types we have a lot of expectation on people, whether they say the right thing, or are supportive enough, but we have to ask what we do for them?

[aviendha]

Hi Martin,

I must admit that I didn't read all the replies, but here we go anyway..

I am sort of like you. Actually very much like you. Except for the fact that I try every day to repress my feelings and pretend everything is fine, but sometimes when I drink (far from every time, because then I sort of would have to stop drinking. Even though it helps many times), I bring up "the things". And he seems offended because he did something really seriously bad (like heart wrenching bad) a year ago, and he said that he didn't want to talk about it anymore and it was time to move on (and I tried to talk). And if I push it ( to try to talk about it and clear everything out once and for all to be able to move on and start over) he leaves. He just leaves and goes to his mother. Just leaves. My point is that even though you and I are doing the same thing, my advice to you is not to leave. Because I know how it feels when someone leaves either when you need to talk or when your being irrational or in an argument or maybe in your case distant (instead of getting angry). she might be really angry for you leaving, but maybe it would hurt her more if you just f off? I cant know that, but as the one that always get left for my mother-in-law in EVERY argument (doesn't matter who's wrong or right), maybe ask her. Ask her "when I have these moments, do you want me to stay or just to leave?". Everyone is different.