Help! need to find a way to stop myself being nasty when down

[BBUser10]

Hi all

 not posted for awhile as things have been ok , not great but better.

my main issue at the moment is that when i start to have an episode (which is happening now) i start to let my mouth run away with me.... i cant seem to stop telling my wife all the bad things i am thinking and how i think she does not love me or support me, then that turns into to her getting upset then turns to arguing... i cant seem to get this under control and she does not know how to deal with me when i'm like this .... she asks me what she can do and to be honest i dont always know myself..... i seem to want to bring people down to feel like i feel and knowing that make me feel like a bad person :-(... this usually ends in us not talking to each other and she just walks passed me when im sat on the bed (i spend alot of time in the bedroom when down) and that makes me feel like she doesn't care.

also i have to really try and stop myself (this doesn't always work) from just telling her i want our relationship over .

 i presume this is common fight or flight response ... does anyone else act almost nasty when down ? how do i control my mouth ? i have thought about going away when this happens, but it's not practical as we have young children and i take them to school .

my wife is in a no win situation if she leaves me to it i resent her for not comming to 'help' me if she comes near me sometimes it helps but sometimes i lash out and she feels that she can do no right.

i hate the fact my depression in time will end my marriage, i exercise for 1 hour a day , i have lost weight all these things have helped as i do not need meds anymore (or at least its manageable)  but this nastyness is really affecting her 

Cheers Martin

[white knight]

Hi Martin 😞

I would suggest a trip to your GP. Several years ago now I was prescribed mood stabilisers and my mood has drastically changed. Not suggesting he/she will want you to have those but its an example of what can be done nowadays.

Faith is a hard thing to have when you are down. Blame seems more apparent. Running away seems the answer. You need to remind yourself that you should have faith in your partner. Do you have a hobby/sport? I ask this because mind diversion can be an answer to the cycle you are dealing with.

Anyway, work closely with your GP. Read up on motivation and positivity. Attend motivation lectures and so on. Read up on these topics in these pages.

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Morning Martin

I was also prescribed medication to assist in mood adjustment....You have done well (and helped others by posting as well Martin)

I know quite a few guys that are and have been going through exactly what are now....

White Knight has nailed this spot on....If you have a GP that you are 'comfortable' with please see him/her..they are well trained to help you ....

Even if you take this great post you wrote (and yes it is) with you to your GP...You have so much to gain and absolutely nothing to lose Martin...There is no stigma about taking meds with this...Its very similar to a physiological problem.....people take meds for that....there is no difference here...(with respect I dont know what you were taking before and thats fine..)

The anger and blame....been there....grab your GP...

Please let us know how you are going..if you wish...I hope your weekend is good to you....

Here for you Martin

[BBUser10]

Thank you for your replies

 when you say mood stablisers do you mean anti-depressants ? I would rather not take them as it took 7 years to bd strong enogh to come off them

cheers 

martin 

[Kazzl]

Hi Martin - I can relate to what you've said. I used to do this too when I was very depressed, and usually drunk. 

I agree with the others about seeing your doc, but also, your post was from the heart and very understanding of your wife's difficult situation with you - have you thought about showing it to her? Sometimes it's easier to say more in writing than we can say in person. I kinda think she deserves to know how much you understand how hard it is for her.

Kaz

[geoff]

dear Martin. hello, and please just because you have depression of any type doesn't automatically mean the end of your
marriage, but I know the damage this can do to a relationship, but there are ways to overcome this.
Your GP will be able to help you, even if you tell him/her that you don't want to take antidepressants (AD), but can I
say that AD have changed a great deal from when you were first given them, but mood stabilisers can be taken to control
your mood swings.
Depression can alter how people behave, where some people just crawl into their cot and not say a word, while others
are the reverse and have a need to verbalise what ever they are thinking, and in your case it's your wife, so maybe by
seeing a psychologoist he/she could teach you on how you are able to control these outbursts. Geoff.

[blondguy]

Hi Martin

thanks for saying hi

I envy you getting off the AD's...that takes a lot of guts. One of the signs of a 'tired' mind is unfortunately being critical and finding fault in others. Other than the AD's (yes..thats what I was referring to as they boost serotonin levels thus resulting in mood stabilizing.) the alternative would be regular visits to a GP or therapist to assist you (and great if your wife would come..it would help her too)

I am on a low dose of one of the major AD's and they are a very effective tool (for me that is) and have given me my peace of mind back...and the ability to actually 'progress' with the healing of my depression.

Even just a weekly GP visit would be a bonus to your health...

Here for you Martin

Paul

[BBUser10]

Thanks everyone for your replies, they have really helped.

 ive decided to go to a natropath and see if i can get a natral mood stabilizer before trying a pill from the Dr .

on the wife front she has been great today she bought a jar with love notes in saying everything she loves about me over the last 19 years to keep by bed so when i start to spiral i can read them and see its my mind playing tricks

 again thank you for your surrpirt and advice

martin 😞

[blondguy]

Hey Martin...What a wonderful and precious wife you have......Made me smile mate!

Kind Thoughts

Paul 🙂

[OngoingJourney]

Hi Martin and everyone

After using the 'search' tool, going through various threads for the last approx. 2hrs I found a few that I could relate, but your post really resonated with me- 'hit the spot' so to speak to make myself to finally try to do a post. Yes am a new member and this is my 1st post, so if I'm on the wrong track apologies in advance.

Will try to stick to topic here as the tips say: Throughout my 4+ year marriage (actually ever since we got engaged and moved in together) I've experienced what you're describing Martin. This 'no win' scenario for your partner, the knowledge of that, plus having to deal with one's own struggles of trying to get some sense of clarity of mind and sense of peace.

I didn't finish reading all the posts on this thread as I wanted to respond soon before getting too tired, so apologies if I'm doubling up: In response to Geoff's comment re 'where some people just crawl into their cot and not say a word, while others ...need to verbalise what ever they are thinking' I've been both. Have you also experienced that at all Martin? Basically there are times I just know it's just a doomsday and I just stay in my bedroom and don't want to talk to anyone or be in the world, and there's other moments (perhaps even on the same day) where I just decide suddenly 'na I've had enough of being quiet I'm going to try the opposite' and either berate my husband or end up feeling completely dejected for opening up and for it not helping (sometimes made it worse).  

Anyway, word count is creeping up so just want to say I can completely relate and at the moment wouldn't have any conclusive suggestions based on experience as it's something I still struggle with. Things that have helped me reduce the outbursts though: this will probably be rare when you first start but starting to recognize the signs (mainly body - blood pumping, sweating, tight muscles, increased tone), then leave that situation for the time being saying something like 'need my space/can't handle it right now' (or say nothing if that's all you can manage though not the kindest for your partner) and go to a separate space of the house/garden/walk/watch tv/clean what ever it is you need to do to calm your mind a bit so you can return to thinking about what happened. Then the choice is yours- do you revisit it w partner or leave it. This has at times helped me, at least during periods when anger is a big issue but it may not be the best option as a routine. Hope it helps! Ze