Hello new here - depression boomerang

[Grace888]

Hello all

I am new to the forum and hope that I will be able to make some positive contributions or at least be able to empathise with others' experiences.

While I like to think that I have my depression 'under control' - after all I have lived with it for 30 years - the fact is that I live in constant fear of it boomeranging back.

And this week it has. Can't sleep, no appetite, feeling anxious, tearful and fearful. The usual.

So, I do the only thing I know works for me. . . drag myself out of bed, get dressed, and go out and fake it until I make it back again.

My frustration is that this is all self-inflicted. I have in the last 3 months taken on exactly the type of job and work environment that in the past was almost guaranteed to stress me out. And it has. I thought I was "more resilient" these days. Not.

A sensible person would say to themselves, "look, I just can't do this" and go and find something else to do that suits them better.

Can't work out why it is that I keep returning to what is for me a poisoned well, hoping that I have developed some kind of immunity, and then getting surprised and upset when it makes me sick.

What is that I am trying to prove?

So, I am now going to sit down apply for another type of job that is less well paid, less salubrious, but which won't drive me nuts.

Thanks for listening and hope to listen to you in turn.

[Grace888]

Thank you Croix

I appreciate your thoughtful response very much though saddened by your story and sorry for the pain you must have been through. It stinks really, doesn't it?

I have been reflecting on some things you mentioned in your response over the past weeks.

Possibly you are right that it's not so much shock as a huge relief. Although why do I feel guilty about stopping doing something that makes me miserable and unwell?

I can also relate to the pull of the going back into the same type of work. I read job ads and think they sound really interesting or that I think 'I could do that'. So, to avoid these temptations I keep having to refer back to a list of requirements I have for choosing my next job so that I stay on the right path.

I also have a job interview next week which is cheering, but I am not in a hurry or going to leap at the first opportunity that presents itself. Assuming one does. Mustn't count chickens.

Thank you for you support and advice. I feel in a much better place and ready to move on. The only thing holding me back is getting through the final week of my notice period, but that will soon be behind me.

Thank you

[Croix]

Dear Sarah~

In answer to your question - yes it does indeed:)

I'm pleased you are doing so well, as I said before I'm confident you -and your husband - will cope OK and your latest message shows all the hallmarks of a competent person dealing with things.

The idea of the job requirements list is an excellent piece of grounding and sounds as if it is doing exactly as you intended - stopping you rushing off on impulse.

We are all pressured by society, senses of responsibility and financial circumstances into having a job, and a large part of our identity seems to be bound up in our occupation. All these factors come home to roost when we do not have employment. That is one reason I so admired you ability to buck all these factors and resign to improve the most important thing, your health.

All those factors are still in play, and you may not feel comfortable until you find another position -which I'm sure you will.

That final week will pass.

Croix

[Grace888]

Greetings

so turns out I am not so suited to the new career path either after a devastating first performance review during which,of course, I cried. Too slow at picking things up apparently. If I don’t pick up they will performance manage me.

This has been my fourth job in 3 years. I don’t know how I am ever get another job now.

Feeling like an utter failure.

Oh well, at least it’s out in the open.

Not sure what the next step is going to be.

[Croix]

Dear Grace888~

I re-read your thread before replying and still see a person who is making the right moves and has the support where it is needed.

Look, an awful lot of what happens to us is circumstances, not our own doing - no matter how much we would like to believe we are always in charge of our fate. You chose a different course of study and I suspect it must have clicked with you for you to want to work in the area.

Selecting a job, even guided by that sensible list of practical requirements, is very much an unknown quantity. Some firms are supportive and have a relaxed cooperative environment, others are pressure from morning to night and use people up - which they can afford in today's job-hungry market.

So this job does not seem to be working out, a great pity, however it does not mean that you cannot blossom in another one. You are still the person who had the sense to take all the practical measures to cope with your illness as you described in your first post. You are still the person that passed her studies, and still the one that gives and receives love.

That job may be more a reflection of the firm and the people in it than you. Life does treat us unkindly at times and there is no avoiding that unhappy fact. The best thing we can do is roll with the punches and cope, even if we feel bad.

You may be trying to decide if you should go or stay in this job. I don't think there is any 'right' decision, whatever you do will have consequences, however minimizing daily stress from outside sources is always worth considering. Even if you believe such a course of action will increase your internal stress and thoughts of failure that can change -as it did for me.

What do you think?

Croix

[Grace888]

Thank you Croix for taking the time to answer.

After a sleepless night I have come to the conclusion that I will stay for only for as long as it takes to find another job - easier to get one when employed than otherwise. Or resign if it remains truly intolerable.

I think this organisation uses people like cannon fodder to be honest. Since starting I have learned that there is a high staff turnover and I can see why. Training is very limited and the whole approach seems to be sink or swim which is just bizarre.

There is also a nasty, bullying culture amongst my mostly much younger coworkers that I have been trying not to get caught up in. I am a bully’s natural prey and always have been. It’s as if they lock on to me from the minute I appear.

At first I thought it was just a case of new job-related anxiety and associated mild paranoia, or maybe echoes of past experiences so that I thought I was seeing bullying where it wasn’t. I tried ignoring it, laughing at it, tolerating it and waiting for them to get bored of it. Now I’m just plain tired of it.

Management is off-site so they don’t see this nonsense in action. Convenient. Everything is heresay.

At least I was given the chance to put my case forward. I gave some of my own respectful, honest ‘feedback’ which has given them morecto think about than they bargained for. At least they had the courtesy to take the time to listen and undertake to follow up.

Shift work has played havoc with my circadian rhythms and we all know where that leads. Fatigue combined with the constant undermining by colleagues has impacted on my ability to actually think straight.

You speak of daily life outside work. I feel like I have none. I’m constantly sleep deprived and not the support to my husband that I want to be as he cares for his elderly father.

So, yes, I will give it another crack in the same field, but different slower scene and without late shifts and see if that gives me my confidence and daily like back.

Croix, you are right - making changes isn’t always easy. My mistake was believing that this job was going to be some sort of perfect solution.

I get so tired of holding back the depression and anxiety - more than 25 years of wrestling now and no end in sight. I had hoped that this job would be just the thing to ‘fix’ it. However did I come to have such a simplistic point of view?

Thank you again for your reply. It means a great deal to know that someone is listening and understands.