Having an identity crisis

[Rukirra]

Hi,

I'm new to the forums. I'm 31, and i have bipolar, panic disorder, ptsd, and bdp.

I'm currently studying at uni, however, I feel like I have no direction in life, no life goals.

I have changed degrees so many times, because i am just not happy with what i'm doing. I constantly feel like i'm stuck on step one and can never move forward.

I've had a lot of issues in my life, particularity being in a domestic violence relationship for 8 years where i wasnt allowed to do anything. Now that i am out of that situation, and with a loving partner, i have no real idea of what i want to do with my life.

I do not handle any kind of stress well, however, i'm trying to preserver with uni because i do want to learn and feel educated, and i do want a career. But every time i think i have chosen my set career, i end up feeling quickly bored by it, or too overwhelmingly stressed by it. I even changed unis to see if that was my problem, but no, here i am again, completely unsure as to who i am and what i should do.

The other thing is, i have never had a job before. I was in that horrible relationship from a young age, and for the past five years i have been just trying to get back on my feet again without crumbling into a heap every two seconds. I just feel like I have no identity. I dont know who i am, and nothing i have found so far seems to fit me.

How can i move past this?

[Mia001]

Hi Rukirra,

Welcome to the forums! It's nice to meet you. It's a great supportive environment here, so I think you're in the right place. There are lots of people on here with great advice, so I sure some others will be along soon. I'm pretty new, but I thought I'd say a few things....

Firstly, I think you are brave for sharing your story and be honest. It takes courage to do that.
I don't know about unis, but I know TAFE has a career counsellor. Maybe seeing one would help with finding a career that suits you?

You didn't say whether you whether seeing a counsellor/psychologist or not. If you're not seeing one, maybe that's something you would consider? Even having a close friend/family member to talk to can make a difference. And, they're often the ones that know you best.

Be patient with yourself. You will move past this.

Hope this is helpful 🙂

Mia

[Guest_9809]

Hello Rukirra, and welcome to the BB Forums.

Our lovely Mia has given you some very sound advice, and I agree with all that she has suggested in her post.

Rukirra, in your opening sentence you gave a list of your MH issues - quite a heavy load - and one of those was BDP. I am making the assumption here that it was a typo, and it should read BPD? Please advise if that is not correct, because my reply is based on that being the case.

I am truly sorry to hear of the abusive relationship you were in for so long. Well done in getting out of that relationship in the end, as I know how difficult that can be. And it does leave lasting scars.

You have not said whether you have formally been diagnosed with bi-polar, ptsd, panic disorder and bpd. And nor have you said whether you have undergone any psychological therapy, either in the past or presently. It would be helpful to others replying to you, to know what treatments you have tried, whether you have found them helpful, if you are currently on medication for any of your disorders, etc. So please post back with further details, which will better enable us all to advise you in the best possible way.

In the meantime I will concentrate on the main topic of your thread - your lack of identity, lack of direction, lack of any goals.

Many people with BPD struggle with identity issues, in fact its one of the core symptoms of the disorder. Also relevant to you, due to your abusive former relationship, is that many people with BPD come from an abusive background, which contributes to an unstable sense of self. If you have ever received treatment for your BPD, I expect you have been told this already?

Although there is no magic solution to identity issues, there are treatments for BPD which include components that can help you discover who you are and what you stand for. The first step in doing that is to find a good therapist who can help you work on your identity problems.

I would suggest you see your GP and ask for a referral to a psychologist who specialises in that area. At the same time they can also work on your PTSD to assist you to deal better with your anxiety symptoms. Your GP may also consider putting you on a Mental Health Care Plan which means you can get up to 10 Medicare subsidised psych visits per year.

You can move past this, but sometimes professional help is needed to get you started. Meanwhile, as Mia has said, you can receive helpful advice and support right here.

Taurus

[Rukirra]

Hi, Thanks for your replies. I'm sorry, i probably should have given more information!

Yes, I did mean BPD. Oops!

I have been formally diagnosed with all the disorders i mentioned in my initial post. I am currently seeing both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. My psychiatrist is great, however, very expensive, so I cannot see her very often. I am currently not taking any medication, as I am a highly complex patient and there really isn't anything she can prescribe me currently.

My therapist is ok. Over the last 10 years i have seen several psychologists, and none of them seem to understand me properly. I feel like i am being put in their 'too hard' basket and they keep just giving me general psychology advice that is obviously not working.

My current psychologist is aware of all my issues, however, her advice and therapy techniques i feel are lacking. For instance, I have huge amounts of anxiety that relate to a lot of things, many phobias, abandonment and attachment issues, general anxiety, social anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia, just to name a few. But the only advice she can give me is 'you just have to get out there and do it. the more you do it, the less anxious it will make you'. Basically exposure therapy. Which I know can work, however, I do not have any skills to be able to even start to 'get out there'. Every time i try, I re-traumatise myself with the anxiety and now I can barely leave my house. I have told her this, but she just keeps repeating that its worst at first but gets better over time. Well it isn't. It's getting worse the more I try to force it.

She is aware of my identity issues, in detail, but the only advise i've ever gotten off her is to 'go for a walk, eat healthy, get a hobby, meet new people'. Which are great positive psychology techniques that i am sure would work on someone who has some misdirection in their life, but not someone who has many diagnosed disorders and issues that go back as far as early childhood. I have spent many sessions telling her how I cannot pick a career and all she has said is to just pick something, its better than nothing and if it doesnt work out pick something else. But this keeps happening. I pick something, i give it a try, i either get too stressed and overwhelmed or it doesn't feel like 'me', and then I start over,...and over, and over.

[Rukirra]

I know it isn't me because I have tried doing all this advice many times. I have used up so much energy trying to become a functional adult with this advise, and it just never works out. I feel like I fail at life and I beg for help and yet all i am given is, do exercise and eat healthy, and do something pleasurable. Which I and have done, and yet i am still on square one.I came to this forum because I feel like it's my last resort.

I just don't know where to turn anymore.

[Starwolf]

Hi Rukirra, good to meet you.

You are struggling with complex issues, one of them being that you have little sense of identity. Having no direction, it is easy to feel lost...a scary feeling. The mind is a complicated labyrinth at the best of times, even more so a wounded one. Struggling alone means that you are brought to a halt by one dead end after the other. You cannot find your way out. This is why having a guide is necessary.

Finding a therapist we can connect and work with long term often takes several attempts. It is true that exercise, eating well and doing pleasurable things can contribute to inner well being. But more in depth work is required to embark on a journey of self-discovery.

Obviously, you need to find someone who can help you retrieve a sense of identity from under the emotional rubble. Finding the right help is the first step. Therapists are service providers. Nothing wrong with ditching one who is unhelpful and searching for someone who can help you progress. Reading through your posts, it appears to me that you have good insight into your mental/emotional turmoil and also into the fact that the major issue is finding a sense of self. You are right, there's no way we can figure where to go if we have no idea where we are.

We cannot give you recommendations so researching what professional resources are available in your area is up to you. Have you checked 'Find a professional' in the Get support drop down menu (top left of this page) ? Researching various types of therapy would also be useful. We are all different so respond differently to a similar treatment. Is there a specific therapy that resonates with you ? Is there someone in your area who is experienced in that approach ?

[owaf]

Hi Rukirra,

An alternate viewpoint may be that you feel stuck on leap one rather than step one, starting anything should still be considered a completed step. I'd say a career, education and pretty much anything else in life are made up of steps, and don't work well with trying to complete in a giant leap.

Living seems to be a reasonable goal in life and it's not something that needs judgement applied to it. Education, career and everything else is a social construct, they do not define you or the quality of your existence.

Failing at life seems to be a harsh judgement, what do you consider a career to be?

• A mechanism for making money and living a comfortable life?
• Something that brings meaning to your day to day life?
• A job title that defines a part of you? e.g. I am a doctor/professor/lawyer/scientist
• A gauge of how well you're doing in life? I make $$$ dollars so I am worth $$$ or I make $$$ more than so and so, that means I'm doing better in life
• Something that means you are contributing to society and not seen as idle
• Something a "functional adult" has

[Rukirra]

Its true that we all need a therapist that works well with us. I feel bad for having dumped yet another therapist though. I feel like i have been to every practice in my area. Its kind of embarrassing to be honest. I also dont know much about different types of therapies and what would be good for me although i know cbt doesnt work for me. So im unsure who i can see in regards to them being a specialist in a type of therapy.

I want a career because i feel it will add value to my life. I want to do something that is enjoyable, as o currently do nothing, something i will feel passionate about, that makes me feel good, while also helping to contribute financially to my family. I hold these values quite highly, and while they may be social constructs, it doesnt take away from me wanting to find my niche in the world. Also, living comfortably isnt a bad thing. We are currently quite poor, being both uni students, and while money doesnt create happiness, it does make life easier to live without the stress of not knowing where my next meal is coming from or having to choose between food or electricity.

[owaf]

Nothing wrong with changing therapists, it's not like being dumped, it's not a negative reflection you or the therapist if you choose to go somewhere else. Maybe there isn't a therapy method that magically fixes everything but there may be a therapy and therapist combination that helps, that's not a terrible thing.

A career is a weird thing, what it actually means and the satisfaction with it will greatly vary between people. It'll add as much value to your life as the value you place upon it, no more and no less.

I'd say do something you enjoy or are interested in for university rather than base a career around it, granted I started and finished my degree after starting my career. Also my (and everyone else I know) degree is now only a piece of paper, experience and genuine interest is far more valuable. I'm tempted to go back to university in a completely different field just to learn.

If money could buy happiness then I'd like to be told where and how much.

Do you have something(s) in mind for a career? It's such an ambiguous word without any boundaries.

Some acceptable salary range?

Some requirements?

I started off wanting to be an accountant because I was told I was "good with numbers" and it paid well, that really didn't go very far and I had zero interest in it but I could have done it.

[Starwolf]

Sometimes, it is easier to figure what we don't want. At least you can cross out CBT. Psy sessions are often far between so traveling further afield may be possible ? The alternative of course is settling for more of the same.

You know you want a career, you just haven't found your slot yet. You are also quite clear about the reasons why you want it. You have already eliminated a few possibilities. I see this as a good start...both towards knowing yourself and finding your niche. Some people know from early in life what they want to do and stick to it. Others need more time, a lot of soul searching and to experience different alternatives. We're all different, nothing wrong with either approach.

But in my opinion, working with a suitable therapist could help with the soul searching part. And also with clearing up the issues that have been obscuring your vision.

We're not here to tell you what to do, just to offer different perspectives and reveal options for you to consider. Bouncing different points of view against each other sometimes helps clarify our own thoughts to ourselves.