Hate my dad for an historical offence, but love him

[AM7]

I have MMD with anxiety 

I found out about a year ago that my Dad has been charged with an historical sexual offence.....I can't reconcile what he did - to who he is.

I totally believe what he did abhorrent and advocate that all perpertraters should be gaoled...it's a core belief

but he is my Dad who never treated me with any kind of immoral behaviour.

Having these two diametrically aposed is tearing me apart...My sleep is poorer than normal....my friends are worried about me as I am not me.

It's almost like I'm in a sort of limbo - where I don't care,  cause I can't until the court  has charged him. I have been told to tell my Dad I hate him....but I can't...I don't want to hurt him...but then I hate myself for being weak... And then I found out that both my parents had been abused as children... I never believe in excuses

I have been on my anti'Ds for 12 years..and they are not enough.

Ignoring it no longer works....

I am angry at him, but so very sad for him

.

I can't do this double sided emotion

even though I am Gemini 😏 

any suggestions on How I can go on

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I used to work in a jail as a warder. It was 43 years ago but it's like yesterday. I've also worked in the security industry. Some family members would visit their incarcerated relative in jail no matter what the offence but others would never see them again. They all had the same tug of war experiences like you do.

What I would say is obvious- that your father being your dad it's hard to realise you have lost your only dad and he has not lived up to the dad you expected him to be. I can only make two suggestions- that you allow time to pass by if you no longer wish to have him in your life. Time is the only healer sadly. In doing so you can one day adopt another father figure that does the role well. The other thing is- if you can lived with him in your life sparingly eg once a year just to briefly contact. This idea is hard to do but there is a few advantages- you'll be more aware of who he is, you'll know more decisively about if you ever want more of a relationship (people can change) and finally, you wont have the guilt associated with not having any contact.

I know these feelings because I had to make a hard decision on my daughter 3 years ago. Her nastiness was cruel and never justified. So hard. Also my mother was cruel and I havent seen her for 12 years. I adopted another lady as my mother. Not officially but emotionally.

They say "you cant pick your family". Yes you can, if they are not worthy of your love and decency.

TonyWK 

[Summer Rose]

Hi AM7

I can certainly understand your conflicting emotions about your dad and why this situation is tearing you apart. I’m sorry that you find yourself in such a challenging position.

Your post reads as though you believe your dad is guilty, but the words say that he has only been charged—not convicted. I guess the first thing to consider is that your dad may be innocent of the charges he is accused of. Is that not possible?

I don’t think it makes you “weak” to find yourself unable to hate your dad—it makes you human. He is your dad and you love him. I can certainly understand that.

I would encourage you to talk through your emotions and beliefs with a professional mental health practitioner. This is because I suspect whatever future path you take in regard to your relationship with your dad is likely to be painful, have significant consequences and potentially be destabilising to your own mental health. It’s really important that you look after yourself right now.

Please know that it’s okay to stand by your dad, love him but hate what he might have done or walk away. I don’t think there is a “ rule book” for this situation, it’s more about what you can live with and what will work for you. And this community will support your decision. We are here for you.

Kind thoughts to you

[AM7]

Thank you x

[AM7]

Thankyou.....

He is guilty as per a letter he wrote to his priest 50+ years ago

[Summer Rose]

I’m really sorry to hear that AM7. But perhaps the lack of ambiguity is helpful in that you know exactly where things stand.

Unfortunately, you and your family appear to also be victims of your father’s crime. I’m so sorry.

I think it’s really important to remember that you are not your father and this in no way reflects on you.

Please look after yourself and prioritise safeguarding your mental health.

Kind thoughts to you