Giving up

[Guest_33224827]

My life was doomed to fail. So many bad decisions. Poor guidance. No direction. Nothing seems to quell this pain. I’m lost and confused. Feeble and self sabotaging. I feel like I can’t do anything by myself even when I can. I’m so useless. I feel like I’ve been failed by everyone in my life but in reality I did this all to myself. That’s why it hurts so bad, because I know it’s my fault. I didn’t try hard enough. I didn’t try much at all because I didn’t have to. Then when I did try some things I ultimately ended up quitting for stupid reasons, excuses I gave myself to feel better about being a failure. It doesn’t work though. I still dwell on every single failure, beating myself up for it constantly. My entire life has been nothing but failure and giving up. The slightest adversity makes me quit. Of course this has made my life much harder than it has to be. Not that it is actually that hard mind you, I’m incredibly privileged in many ways. Yet I still hate life and love wallowing in self pity all the time. It’s what I’m doing right now. But having failed so much doesn’t help your image. Having missed out on so much only makes it that much harder to try again. The boat I missed just keeps sailing further and further away and it’s getting harder to keep swimming.

The only thing I live for is daydreaming and the internet. Screens have been my main coping mechanism in life, and it has equally destroyed my life. Even now, I’m on my phone. I spend everyday on my phone, it’s practically glued to my hand. Or I’m playing video games. It’s either a phone screen, computer screen, or game console screen that I’m focused on. Every day on repeat. So much time was wasted away like this, so much time I could have been doing something to better my future, work towards a goal, be a productive member of society. But I didn’t, and I won’t. I never even considered my future. I never really wanted to do anything else but waste time. And I still don’t. I don’t feel any motivation or drive to fix anything even though I’m so depressed. The best years of my life are gone and I didn’t even enjoy them while I was there.

I’m a defeatist. Nothing is ever good enough. I can never be satisfied with myself or my abilities. I’m embarrassed of myself. I hate myself. I don’t like talking about myself or saying what I like out of shame. I’m not really sure what I even like anymore. I don’t talk to anyone, not even my own family if I can help it. I am ashamed to be in their presence. I am nothing but a burden to them. I know my negativity and constant low moods brings everyone around me down but I can’t help it. I just can’t pretend and fake a good mood like everyone else can. So I try to stay hidden and out of the way as best I can. 

That’s all there is to say really. TLDR; I’ve given up, I always give up. I barely even tried. I never put in any effort and quit in a heartbeat. I gave up years ago. And I’m so close to just throwing in the towel entirely. I’m basically screaming into the void here as a last resort no matter how fruitless. Because no advice is going to fix the fact that I have no discipline or self control. Truly the only person who can help me is myself, but I know I’m incapable of that and I’m never going to change. Because it’s too hard and I’m weak. Maybe I’m just looking for someone who can relate to this feeling of self hatred.

But I guess when you’re at rock bottom the only way is up.

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly challenging time in your life. I feel for you so deeply.

As a 54yo gal, I can look back in hindsight (at this stage of my life) and see with some clarity where I struggled to develop throughout my life in certain ways. One thing I've come to learn over time though is 'Who I'm going to be in 5 years time is someone different from who I am today, as long as I remain conscious of the need for change'. Something else I've come to learn is 'winging it' or simply going with the flow doesn't work as a full time strategy. This is based on the fact that it's human nature, in general, to choose or flow with the path of least resistance. Experts say we tend to do this because it's good for our nervous system. In other words, we'll choose what doesn't cause us stress because this is a form of self preservation. So, if it helps explain your desire to choose what's easiest at times, we humans can be hardwired to choose what's easiest. What no one may tell us, as were growing up, is it takes certain skills when it comes to doing what's hard. It can help to question 'Where have all my skills come from, when it comes to doing what's hard?'.

While I have developed some of the skills that come with being a mum, some of the skills that come with working in certain jobs, some of the skills that come with a sense of self understanding etc etc, there are still a heck of a lot of skills I don't have. I figure better late than never when it comes to developing more. I should add, as an ex drinker (throughout the whole of my 20s especially) I relied on alcohol to help me manage a serious lack of skills. Social skills, skills in emotional management, skills in relaxation, skills self confidence and so on where never there because alcohol took care of a lot of that stuff for me. As I say to my 19yo son and 22yo daughter 'Always give yourself the credit you deserve when it comes to not drinking your way through your challenges or taking illicit drugs to combat what you struggle with'. Managing life without such things can be hard, which can help explain why drinking and taking drugs can be such a part of social culture.

It's only been in the last handful of months that I've challenged myself to begin developing greater levels of self discipline. It can definitely take a lot of strategies, a lot of practice, a lot of the right kind of inner dialogue etc to develop self discipline to the point where we begin to develop habits. Starting with the tiniest of habits can help toward change. With the smallest of changes, we can then say 'I'm someone who no longer does that. I am someone to does this, instead'. In other words, you gradually change who you are. You begin to change your own identity, bit by bit. If you gradually come to change some of your habits between now and in 5 years time, in 5 years time it will be impossible for you to be exactly the same person you are today. 

Btw, one of the greatest things we can be born with is our imagination. It can take a heck of a lot of skill to manage it. Untamed, it can be wild and out of control, offering us no sense of solid or constructive direction. Managed skillfully and with strategy, we can see through it the kinds of things we have the ability to bring into reality. The imagination's an incredibly powerful thing. The problem is...it doesn't come with an instruction manual. Mastering it can be a bit of a 'learn as you go' experience.

[ABC01]

Hello there,

I can empathise on alot of what you said.

I sometimes feel like an ostrich with my head stuck in the sand. Only to look out every so often,but stick my head back in the sand again. Hoping time changes things for me. It doesn't.

Recently mortality has been an issue factored into my life and I realise I am very underprepared for the world.

So I am trying to basically, get myself together now. And it is hard. I feel like I am running around in circles. But maybe on the next loop I might get something to grab on to.

Like you said, the only way is up.

I believe you are worth it. I have done this to myself too.

The only way to stop the self hate, is to self love. Whatever that looks like.

I wish you well,

ABC01