Girlfriend Is depressed and wants to leave me - advice.

[dirtyfabrik]

Hey Guys,

First and foremost i'm really grateful there's a forum like this I can goto to get advice. I am 99% sure my partner has depressions. A few weeks ago she came home from an engagement drunk, broke down and wanted to leave me because we have no future - she said she didn't want to be here anymore, didn't want to live and life would not get any better. She had tried to break up with me 2 times prior. Once in september last year after a small argument about how she's overwork and shouldn't stay back all the time and once again mid January - which was COMPLETELY out of the blue.

Some background one her.

• She's turning 32, was in a long term relationship and her partner cheated on her. She was singler for many years before we started dating.
• After her breakup a close family member commit suicide. She felt guilty that she didn't help before it was too late.
• Best friend and 'rock' moved overseas.
• She hates her job. 11 hour days are common. She's been trying to find a new job but has been getting rejected. 2 years of job applications, working late and taking work home. She had 6 month contract role / promotion but had to go back to her current job. Very stressed.
• She severely injured her back 2 years ago. Eroded disc. Needs surgery. Constant pain. Manages it with opioids. Was on the list for a year. Got called up September 17, they gave it away. Was called up March 18 - was suppose to go yesterday but they postponed it due to emergency.
• Since her injury and work situation has gotten worse, i've noticed her get worse. Her friend came back to visit, but left after a week which may have made it worse. She very much feels like her friends no longer do anything and the 'fun' part is over.

She has told me she no longer loves me. Each time this happens it correlates with other negative things happening. It feels like she bottles everything up and feels like she needs to change something immediately - and i'm the only thing she has control over. Most recently she wanted to break up was after she found out her surgery was postponed (Saturday). In my mind, it's clear she just has a hard time seeing the good in anything - and i'm her emotional punching bag.

Do i leave her? I love her to death, she's a beautiful person who at the moment just seems beaten down. Do i accept she doesn't love me anymore and give up? Any advice would be good. We currently live together (for 2 years) and have been together for almost 3.

Thanks in advance.

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome DF;

Wow, your gf's life has taken a beating for sure, it's no wonder she's all over the shop emotionally.

Just on that note, anything said while drunk needs to be taken with a grain of salt ok. Even though it seems genuine, it could represent only snippets of truth; the rest is probably histrionics from alcohol overstimulating her emotions.

You've asked for advice; I can't tell you to stay or leave obviously, but I can tell you to find a sense of individuality away from her problems. It's an age old issue that presents here nearly every day, where partners lose themselves to the other's problematic mental health.

It isn't work, friends or life, it's the inability to 'cope' well enough that's at the core. Low self esteem, being over critical of herself and blaming those close to her are signs she's on a downward spiral.

This will be reflected in her behaviour and decisions first before she realises there's a big problem. That behaviour needs attention from a psych professional, not you.

You can't be her counsellor, mentor, carer and partner; this is too overwhelming and inappropriate for a healthy relationship. All you can do at this point is gently steer her towards her GP and a MH assessment.

Telling her how you feel may bring results, but if it doesn't I wouldn't be surprised. People at this point have a lack of focus on anyone but themselves and their problems. Please, I'm not being judgemental; I'm realistic and experienced.

You know her personality; I don't. That gives you an advantage. Just be sure to look after 'you' first. What you're going thru is a residual effect of her behaviour, not yours.

I hope this is of some help hun. It's a tough place for you to be...Let me know how things go.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Summer Rose]

Hi Dirtyfabrik

Welcome to the bb forum and congratulations for having the courage to write your first post. I am really sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult situation but trust you will find some much needed support here.

Your girlfriend certainly has a lot on her plate; in particular, her sense of hopelessness is a worry. I think it's amazing that you have such insight into her struggles and triggers, and that you are thinking about her needs and welfare even though you are hurting too.

I think it would be useful for your girlfriend to see her GP to explore whether she is experiencing depression. I am no expert but it is certainly possible. Do you think you could have this type of discussion with her?

There are great materials on the bb website to help guide this type of conversation, which may be useful to you. At the end of the day, you can't force her but some thoughtful encouragement could help.

As for your "big" question-I think it depends on how you two really feel about each other. You BOTH deserve love, a shot at happiness and to be treated with kindness. You matter, too.

Perhaps you could take it one step at a time and see how she responds to the concern that she may be experiencing depression before you make any big decisions.

Happy to keep talking. Kind thoughts to you

[dirtyfabrik]

Hey Everyone,

Thank you so much for your responses, it actually does mean a lot. Her sense of hopelessness is becoming more and more evident. Last night after dinner, she was on the couch looking for a new job where she just put her phone down and curled into a ball, didn't move. She then did the same thing in the bedroom, before she eventually go up and got ready for bed.

That was the first time i've ever seen her like that. She said she just felt defeated. It really really does break my heart as she's normally a strong person.

This morning she was in a better mood and more herself. Huge contrast to last night. Is this normal? I tried calling the surgeons office and the hospital but unfortunately they just can't indicate when her surgery will be.

Slightly off-topic but I find it really hard to fathom how we live in a developed country, one of the most expensive cities in the world - yet they can't even give you an indication on what's going on with your health. No matter who you try speak to, no one knows when. Hospital, surgeon, me, her. Which leads me to the question... who does know?

I do love her and deep down i hope she does still love me. I know how depression can shine a negative light on everything around you. This situation now is starting to take it's toll on me and i find it hard to enjoy the things i normally love doing.

[Summer Rose]

Hi DirtyFabrik

Great to hear from you again.

I think your girlfriend curling up in a ball says a lot about how she feels right now. Yes, it is possible for someone experiencing depression to have good days and bad days. I know you think of her as a "strong" person but I want to point out that depression has nothing to do with personal strength or weakness. It is an illness that can affect anyone, at any time, in exactly the way that heart disease or cancer can strike. If she really does have depression she needs medical attention.

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship is negatively affecting you. It's really important that you look after yourself right now. I care for a child with a mental health condition and I know how hard it can be.

I practice self-care, which for me means that no matter what is going on I take half an hour each day to myself to do something I enjoy. It's "me" time that allows me to switch off. Sometimes I walk along the beach or meet a friend for coffee or just sit on my deck and watch the stars. I guard this time because I know I need it.

I also talk to my GP when I need support about how to help my daughter manager her illness. You might like to also have a chat with your GP about how you are feeling and ways that you can bring the joy back into your life. I have also called the bb phone line for advice on many occasions and always received sound advice. The number is 1300 22 4636.

I am sorry you are being mucked around by the health system with regard to her back surgery. I think the registrar at the hospital might be your best person to call regarding the scheduling, keeping in mind that she could be bumped again. Try to be patient, as there really is no alternative.

Kind thoughts to you