Genuinley recovering from vulnerable narcissm and would like some extra help to continue improving

[Earth Girl]

I recently have gotten much better mentally thanks to my psychologist, my Auntie R and a person who talked to me once on YouTube. For a long time I suffered from narcissism because for example, I use to want to be the prettiest and most popular girl in school which I never was and now realize that it doesn't matter. I also really wanted to have a daughter one day and don't get me wrong because even when I was narcissistic, I knew I would care about her needs and would love her no matter what (children are so lovely and it would be extremely hard not to love your own child especially), but one of the reasons why I wanted a daughter back then was quite frankly (I feel really bad saying this) to live through her. I was hoping that she would be the "prettiest" and most popular girl in school because I never was and I was also hoping that she would be an extremely nice person because even then, I knew I wasn't that nice (I tried really hard to be nice because it makes people feel good and because I want to be a really nice person or at least a nice person but I wasn't very good at it most of the time), but that wouldn't be fair for my daughter and it wouldn't be fair to my son if I had one as well for that matter.

I also found it extremely hard to listen to people, to take accountability, etc.

People also say that I am lying about not remembering things that I have said and done, but I genuinely don't remember a lot of the mean things I have said about people. I have asked them to please talk to me about it in a *direct* way so I know what I said, but they only either talk to me about it in an indirect way or they would talk to people pretending to be me online about it (a lot of people have pretended to be me online) and there for it doesn't get through to me.

The people I have mentioned earlier helped me get over my narcissism because they reminded me that even when I was unwell that I do have some things that are really good about me (everyone has things that are really good them) and they very politely encouraged me to work on my weaknesses as well as remembering that I have a lot of strengths as well. The person on Youtube told me about shadow work and about how we all have things that are good and bad about us and that even if you have this disorder, you still have good things about you and you can always work on the bad things about you. (He said it in a really nice way too).

I would just like some more *kind* advice to help me improve more and more........

[therising]

Hi Earth Girl

My kids are far more mature than I was at their age (18 and 21). I don't think I significantly matured 'til I was 30. Drinking through my 20s definitely stunted my growth, my mental and spiritual or natural growth. My nature began to really change when I got into my 30s and this was a relief in a lot of ways. In some ways it was tougher because without alcohol involved, emotions or feelings were a lot rawer or sharper and more intense, which is one of the reasons I drank in the first place (to kinda numb things). If emotions are the things that push us to change, based on their telling nature, we need to be able to feel what they're trying to tell us. 'This person's behaviour is depressing, you need to address it. That person's behaviour is anxiety inducing, you need to manage it. This job is soul destroying' and so on.

[Earth Girl]

That's true about what you say about a lot of 18 years olds being very mature. I definitely wasn't one of the mature ones.

I'm sorry you had that problem with alcohol, that would have been very hard. I have never been a big drinker (I don't really even drink at all and never really have) so I can't even imagine how hard it would be to have a drinking problem.

With the last thing you said, did you mean that, for example, if someone's behavior is making me depressed, I need to address it with them so that they know what the problem is?

[therising]

Hi Earth Girl

It's more so about listening to what our emotions are trying to tell us. For example, depressing emotions may be trying to tell us 'That person's behaviour is bringing you down' or they could be trying to tell us 'You need to change the way you perceive their behaviour'. Either way, the goal is to manage their behaviour. Whether we point their behaviour out to them and speak about the impact it has on us (leading them to become more conscious) or we decide that their behaviour is more a reflection on them than it is us, the depressing emotions tell us there is a need to create some form of change. Things can't stay the same.

[Earth Girl]

I think I can see what you are saying now. From now on, if someone hurts me or I think they are putting me down in  way that is unfair, I'm going to try a lot harder to tell them how they are making me feel and I won't back down if they get angry with me or start insulting me more. My Mum has been saying a lot of hurtful things to me lately, and I've been doing better at sticking up for myself and letting her know and she sometimes listens and takes it on board. I'm also trying to do better when someone tells me that I'm doing something that is not okay. I will also apply these things not just to my Mum (who is the person who has been hurting me lately) but to everyone so if my brother in law makes another snide comment about me in my presence, I'm going to say something like "Could you please not make comments like that about me, it hurts my feelings and it's kind of bullying."

[therising]

Hi Earth Girl

I've found another way of leading people to become more conscious can involve questioning 'Do you know why you feel compelled to say this to me in such a way?' or 'What leads you to not be able to feel what you saying to me?'. Other questions on a quest for greater understanding can be

• Why do I feel that person's words so strongly? Why do they impact me so deeply? Are the words tied to a particular belief system I have about myself, maybe a belief system that relates to low self esteem, something I'm being led to address in this case?
• Are they words that can be felt or sensed as being legitimately degrading or is there some truth to them and sometimes the truth can hurt? Is this person actually challenging me to rise to a new level of some type
• Do I need to challenge certain people to use a filter and be more thoughtful when it comes to how they speak? Do they need to learn to feel what they're saying? Is this their challenge?

If part of the challenge with developing sensitivity (the ability to sense) involves being able to sense more easily, as I may have mentioned before a bit of sassiness or boldness at times can't hurt in such constructive development. Can be good for self esteem and a sense of personal amusement. We can learn to laugh at our sensitivity in some cases. For example, if your brother in law was to dismiss your request with 'You're way too sensitive, you need to toughen up', the response could be 'Of course I'm sensitive. How else do you think I can sense what you just said to me? I also sense your response as a put down, shut down and a reflection of your inability to sense anywhere near as well as I can. Don't make your inability to feel your words my problem' 😁. Being proud of the fact we can sense, is a self esteem booster. Being led to feel ashamed of it tends to have the opposite effect.

[Earth Girl]

I definitely realize now that some people are genuinely trying to help me and they care about me on at least some level, but others really are trying to improve me in such a way that is arrogant and not at all helpful and they say really mean things about me not even realizing that they do a lot of the same things that I do and they also put words into my mouth which is really annoying. My brother in law does the latter a lot to me. My parents sometimes try to help me, but they try to bully me more than help me and they sometimes can't even tell that they are trying to bully me.

That comeback you gave me as an idea was pretty good haha. I probably won't be able to remember all of it, but I'll see what I can do and try to think of some more comebacks if I can so I am prepared especially since now that I think about it, he will probably retaliate to me in a really mean way and my family will laugh with him and if I show them that I am upset they will just say something like "That's just his sense of humor, you're being a bit too sensitive" "You need to learn to be more tolerant" even though he started it. I never start shit with him, but he often does it to me and always gets away with it, but you are right, this has to end because if he wanted to help me without being a bully, he could do so in a MUCH nicer way. Most of the things he says about me in my presence aren't even fair.

For example, we were all hanging out as a family and my parents started blubbering on about how we are going to organize a taxi for me one day (I have disabilities) and they were going on and on and I didn't say anything at all except for replying to them quickly when they asked me a question and I could tell that I wasn't the only one who thought this family time wasn't the best place to talk about this, especially since my parents were doing all the talking anyway and when they finally finished, my brother in law said "I hope Earth Girl's taxi ride is really boring so she won't want to talk about it" even though I didn't say anything! Everyone laughed except for me. How was that my fault? It's definitively not the worst thing he has done. He also makes REALLY nasty inside jokes about me with my Dad right in front of me and I can't understand them exactly which in a way makes it even meaner because they know I won't be able to tell them exactly what they are doing wrong (if I were to even speak up that is). He can be really nice sometimes and he's a good listener and doesn't interrupt people. He also helps me speak in conversations with the family when I am having trouble saying my piece (I'm the shy one), but he can be so mean.

[therising]

Hi Earth Girl

We can get a sense that some people mean well when they try to push us to do what's best for our self in some cases. They can see it as 'tough love', where one way of loving someone toward becoming the best version of themself involves being tough on them, demanding they change for the better, for their own sake. Sometimes it just feels like harassment or bullying though. I think inspiration or leading someone to develop through a new and more helpful perspective they can relate to can be more effective in some cases. I've seen tough love work and I've seen other forms of love work. All depends on the situation and the person involved. I think it pays for people to get a sense of what will work and what won't.

All comedians love an audience. Whether it's a family member or a professional stand up comedian, they rely on laughter from those around them. While I regard my son as an absolute comedian (he makes me laugh a lot), I have another member from my not so immediate family who gets laughs from making fun of me on occasion. While he can be funny at times, there can also a dark side to his humor, a side I can feel. While this is something that used to bring me down, nowadays I tend to have fun with it. For example, if he was to make fun of my sensitivity, I might say (interrupting him) 'Hang on, shhhh! I sense the sage in me coming through and it's trying to tell me something'. If he goes to interrupt, again 'Shhhh, hang on, it's definitely trying to tell me something. I can hear it, it's getting louder. It's telling me....you're an a-hole. It's definitely the sage in me, I can sense its wisdom'. 😂 I imagine you have an inner comedian of your own. Allowing it to come to life at times and deciding the comment or joke's not going to be hurtful is a good way of expressing a part of you that can come to serve you. Could even get you some laughs from your audience. If you brother-in-law's not a fan of your taxi ride stories, next time he makes a comment, the comedian in you could respond with 'Oh, by the way, I never did tell you about the time I got a taxi to _____, where I stopped off on the way and got a tattoo of an eagle on upper right thigh. Now was that before or after the trip where I stopped to partially rebuild an engine in a mechanic's workshop and they offered me a job?'. Bit of the comedian and a bit of the story teller there. There can be so many helpful facets to us.

[Earth Girl]

I actually end up being happy when people give me some tough love when it's genuinely tough love like if they say that I always try to be right (which is true, I did use to do that). It's just when they bully me really nastily and say they are just giving me "tough love", that's when it gets to me. Especially if they do a lot of the same things or they keep putting me down for things I stopped doing ages ago.

I can see how making jokes about these sort of things would help. They'd also be a positive way to mend things.

[Earth Girl]

People from school often talk about me still even though I stopped using that site just before I turned 22. I also deleted all my social media including Facebook in 2018 so they don't really have anything they can base me on now so they can't see all the progress I've made. They just talk about things I said several years ago which I already know I did wrong.