Frustrated that I let this illness take hold again

[BUB001]

Hi,

I am new here, not quite sure what happens with these forums or how much you are meant to talk about etc.

Last week I was diagnosed again with extreme sever depression with suicidal tendencies. I have been in and out of depression since I was 14, I am 31 now, this time is worse than all the other times. I am so annoyed at myself that I allowed it to happen again.

I try so hard to see the positive in things, but everything is a struggle, from getting out of bed, to brushing my teeth etc. I am back on medication and seeing a psychologist and have a great support network yet I still feel alone in this battle. But this time I feel as though I can't fight it.

The other times I wan't working so I could focus on getting better, this time I am working long hours, commuting etc and just can't stand being at work, I just want to stay in bed all day.

I hate feeling like this.

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[White_Rose]

Dear BUB

Welcome to Beyond Blue and all we have to offer. Have a look through other people's posts to see the difficulties they face and the responses given by others. There is a wealth of experience on the forum and an equal wealth of support.

Relapses are the pits. We all have them and every time it happens it feels as though we are starting from scratch again. I'm not sure you 'allowed' it to happen. It seems to me that depression will creep in any way it can. No one wants it and the thought of struggling through another bout is enough to make you weep with frustration.

But it has returned and you are doing the right thing by getting medical help as well as leaning on your support network. The comments I make are from my own experience, which is not necessarily the same as yours. So take what is useful and ignore the rest.

When I first had depression it was also severe and I was suicidal. I was working. My psychiatrist wanted me to go on sick leave but I could not face the thought of being at home all day seeing no one. I live alone. So we agreed that I could work four hours a day. Even then there were days I could not get out of bed.

So why not get your doc to give you a medical certificate if he/she thinks it would be a good move. It may well be useful to take a couple of weeks off work. Again, I stress this is a suggestion only. Your medical team are the people to make that decision.

Please stop trying to look at the positives. My bet is that you can see very few of them. They are there of course and we both know that, but straining to find them is exhausting and using what energy you have. Instead, concentrate on the things your psych suggests. I know it's a cliché, but take small steps and stop looking at the further horizon. One day at a time, one hour at a time. This is a process I found quite literally to be life saving.

Wait another hour, another day, even five minutes and concentrate on a small activity. Phone a friend, email someone, sit outside and with a cuppa and watch the garden grow. You will need to make an effort to do these things but they are achievable in a very short time, minutes or seconds, and you have managed another period of time.

I'm frequently told that walking is good for depression and despite my antipathy to the exercise I found myself doing it. The physical part did all sorts of chemical things in my body. The emotional part was the feeling of space and to some extent, the feeling that I was escaping my own darkness.

Mary

[toobs]

Hi Bub,

Good on you for reaching out.

When I had depression I found it helped working shorter hours.  I had 9 weeks off work and I just laid on the floor for 9 weeks and watched TV as I had no motivation or energy to do anything.  I was eventually coaxed back to work by a work mate for 2 hours a day, then 3 hours a day.  I feel if you are struggling through very long hours, this could make your depression worse as you may feel even more unhappy being at work for this long.  As White Rose suggested, work with your medical team but perhaps shorter hours or some time off will help.  If you are not happy in your job, perhaps look at another job that you will be happy in and may be more flexible with your work hours.

I was stuck in retail for 15 years and I was getting depressed I could not find another job and get out of retail.  Whilst still working in the retail job, I started my own small business which got me excited at the prospects of a brighter future.  i left retail and am still running my small business after 14 years.  This really helped me steer clear of the depression I had for 7yrs.  I have been cleared, or successfully managed my depression for 10 yrs now.

This is just a thought.  Do what will help you.  Remember, we understand what you are going through.

[BUB001]

Thanks guys for your support.

I wish it was as simple as cutting my hours back, would make getting better a lot easier, but with bills and the cost of treatment there is no way I could afford to cut my hours.

And changing jobs would be great, but I have no idea what it is I want to do anymore. My passion is lost. I am hoping that with the medication and psychologist I can find my passion and myself again.

 I think I am just at that frustrated point where I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[toobs]

Hi Bub,

I understand, it all sounds easy and easy to write suggestions on a page, but harder in reality.  These could always be long term goals or just ideas you can put to one side and consider again in the future.  I know some of these suggestions helped me, but everyone is different 🙂

Keep on your medication and seeing the psychologist.  This would surely help, but it may take time.  I would like to keep helping you where I can so I will keep a look out on here to see how you are going.  Even a little step each day can help you a lot.  It may be a short walk around the block, listening to music, or even to sit and have a coffee with a friend.  Try whistling to yourself too.  Sounds silly and feels silly, but if cheers me up pretty quick when I'm flat 🙂

I understand how you feel Bub and I send you my positive thoughts.  Stay strong mate and come out of this on top.  I know you can 🙂

[White_Rose]

Hello BUB001

I think I have confused you a little about your hours. I meant that you could take sick leave for part of the day and work fewer hours. Your income would stay the same. You will need to discuss this with your doctor and get a medical certificate.

It's not worth adding to your stress by looking for another job at the moment. Try to stay with this one for a while. As the medication kicks in and your work with the psych starts to provide you with some insights, your motivation will return.

When there is no light in the tunnel then walk slowly with small steps. That way you are less likely to fall over. Actually and metaphorically true.

A friend gave me this poem. It's called An Autobiography in Five Chapters by Anon. I hope it resonates with you as it did with me.

1.  I walk down the street
   There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
   I fall in
   I am lost…I am hopeless
   It isn’t my fault
   It takes forever to find a way out.
2. I walk down the same street
   There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
   I pretend I don’t see it
   I fall in again
   I can’t believe I am in the same place
   But it isn’t my fault
   It still takes a long time to get out.
3. I walk down the same street
   There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
   I see it is there I still fall in…it’s a habit
   My eyes are open
   I know where I am
   It is MY fault
   I get out immediately
4. I walk down the same street
   There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
   I walk around it.
5. I walk down another street.

To me this summed up a lot of what I did and still do at times.

Mary