From one extreme to another in a matter of days

[Bella_Louise]

I want to put it out there.

Last Wednesday morning realization hit me like a ton of bricks in regards to my Parents and the lies that had been told by everyone around me. I spent the next two days crying and in bed. By Friday I had hit rock bottom, thinking that if I had succeeded in my suicide attempt in July this year I wouldn't be feeling this way. I was feeling numb and empty.

I knew

I needed help.

I presented to the ED department and I was assessed by a member of the mental health team 7 hours later. By this time I had started to calm down and didn't want to be there. Thankfully a member of the team kept in contact with me over the weekend but I was managing to keep my head above water.

Sunday and Monday I managed to start feeling slightly better and started to dust myself off and regain control of all the negative thoughts and feelings.

Today, I woke up early and went and walked along the beach at sunrise trying to stay in the here and now, not easy as my mind goes at a million miles an hour. I sat on a rock and closed my eyes for 10 minutes breathing and trying to clear my mind. When I next opened my eyes a whale was breeching about 100 metres out to sea. It was magic.

Is it possible to go from a huge depressive episode with

suicidal thoughts one day to a day of total peace and contentment within a few days and how do others deal with this? According to my psychiatrist I don't suffer from Bi Polar but to me the pendulum swings quickly between me being able to cope with life and wanting to check out of life as it is.

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[Neil_1]

Hi Bella Louise

Thank you for providing your post and also welcome to Beyond Blue.

From what I’ve read, I would really like you to get a second professional opinion with regard to a diagnosis for what you’re suffering with – because to me it sounds like it could be bi-polar, but if not, there is some kind of major depressive issue there.

May I ask how you’ve been since your attempted suicide attempt in July to say, just last week?

Also when you said you had a realisation that hit you like a ton of bricks – now we don’t really need to know any further detail about that, but just to say, that you have had this come to you and from all intents and purposes, it’s not going to really change.  But do you think you can learn to accept those things that you mentioned?

I still think this is a fragile time for you at the moment, despite the very positive and uplifting finish to your post.  I hope I’m wrong – and I hope that you are able to continue to fight these feelings as you have been doing, which might I say is very courageous and so very positive as well.

This is my first major post for a while, so I hope I’ve even made sense with what I replied to you.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Bella Louise, a very good point but firstly welcome to the site.

There could be different views on what you have said, but my take is that yes, it's very possible for this to happen, however to 'regain control of all the negative thoughts and feelings' can happen but it doesn't mean that you are out the woods in anyway, because the enormous strain when you are feeling suicidal is just so massive, you hate the world, you hate every living thing and being, but for some inexplicable reason you don't go through with it, so could it be that you 'regain all your negative thoughts', maybe or maybe not.

A lot of people feel guilty once this thought disappears, I did, I thought of my 2 sons, and now I'm so pleased that I didn't go through with it, because I would have missed out on my 2 grand daughters, but that's here-say.

Depression is such a difficult illness to ever understand, why, because our moods can change from one extreme and then hover around the middle of the scale and then short bursts of being able to control our thoughts, but the main problem here is all of this can happen within a minute, that's how powerful this illness is.

So the answer to your question is yes for me, and don't forget that someone with depression can have periods of being happy, as this is not impossible, but it doesn't last, so it feels like we are pulled out of the black hole by a rubber band so that we can somehow enjoy our little time, but it has to always be swung back into the hole once again.

Can I ask you whether you are happy with your psychiatrist or whether you should get another opinion, because these pro's can have different diagnosis. Geoff.

[Bella_Louise]

Thank you for your reply Geoff

My mother always told me my Father, who I had no contact with, didn't want me and I spent 45 years in denial of this statement. When I located my Fathers family,  he had told them he had no idea where I was nor how to contact me. I needed to know the truth and spoke to 5 relatives from both sides of the family who basically all confirmed what my mother had said. The hurt I felt was indescribable.

Since my suicide attempt in July I have been experiencing depression in varying degrees but last Friday was the absolute worse.. I was diagnosed with a dissociative disorder just prior to the suicide attempt and this came about 6 weeks after my half brother (fathers son) cut all ties with me.

And so it goes on.

I will take your advice about a second opinion in relation to bi polar but I do like my psychiatrist

[Bella_Louise]

Hi Neil, Sorry about the delay in my reply.

This week I am doing okay.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he pointed out that at the moment I cant stop the broken record going around and around in my head that my father didn't want me so, my mother who told me this all the time was right. It is the child in me that is grieving for my father. It is the adult in me grieving for my brother who severed all ties and that it is okay to grieve and that it is a painful and a looooonng process.

Only on one occasion since my suicide attempt have I had thoughts along those lines and it was only because I saw myself as a failure. I still suffer deliberating bouts of depression. At my lowest I do I become very distraught as I don't know how to release myself from its clutches and become highly emotional and scared as my thoughts run wild.

I also saw a psychologist yesterday who explained a thought is just that a thought which I can dismiss as just that - a thought that may or may not be true, we were able to put in place some strategies in place when/if I become so overwhelmed again.

Have a great day, as it is a good day for a good day

Bella Louise