Friendship advice...

[M_lozone]

Hello,

As of 2.5 years ago, I’ve started to feel really down and lonely. I used to work in hospitality and as you can imagine, I’ll be working long hours and mostly on weekends and public holidays too. I never really had the chance to catch up with my friends outside of work as they all work Monday to Friday 9-5 jobs and they would only ever be available on days that I’m working, however it didn’t bother me as much because I enjoyed working with the colleagues.

I ended up leaving my hospitality career and pursued a whole different career in a corporate environment. I found it extremely hard to adapt and make new friends but over time, I got used it.

Things have quietened down a lot and the busy lifestyle I had was no longer busy. I was excited at the same time because now it meant that I could see and catch up with all my friends. Over time, I saw my friends less and less and I can appreciate that everyone is probably busy but I always feel lonely. I always find myself asking and reaching out to friends to catch up but at the same time I wish they could make an effort to organise something for once.
I feel like if I don’t initiate catch ups, we probably won’t see each other for a good couple of months. On Instagram, I always see stories of them going out with their other friends or their “group” and then I start to question if I mean anything to them at all. I’ve reached out to them and brought it up on several occasions but they all believe I have high expectations of what good/close friends should be.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my alone time and some times I’d much rather stay at home and watch a movie but I cant help but envy people who have a tight group of friends or friends to hang out with in general. I’d start questioning why I can’t have a group of my own etc.
I’m certain I’m not alone but how have you dealt with situations or feelings like these? How can you over come feeling so lonely?...

[insertaname]

Hi M_lozone.

i can sort of relate to what you are saying. I am currently a university student and I have not even been able to keep in touch with my two best friends from high school - I also initiate conversation and be as friendly as can be but there was always that sense that we were both drifting apart.

Being a mid year entry student I have had to learn how to ok with being a loner... you see familiar faces from time to time and make new ones from time.

My suggestion is to make friends with other people. Sometimes social media is something you need to ignore. For every bad thing you think you have in your life think of two positive things.

1. You are seeking help from this forum

2. You are noticing the differences of how the relationships used to be.

i do not actually have a network of friends either - I am alienated not by choice. It’s just me and my partner. Over these two years we lost people we thought were out friends. Images of smiling faces does not necessarily mean anything... it’s just for show.

i do get jealous but then when I listen to what people my age talk about I would rather stay out of it. My generation really are the ‘i’ generation where it’s all about them. I am a homebody too but I’d love to hang out with a friend too.

J

[WUD]

Interesting reading your post.

I've had a very similar path so understand how you feel.

[M_lozone]

Hi there,

Thanks for the advice - I really appreciate it.

[M_lozone]

Hi Wud,

I’m glad you can relate.

What are some ways you dealt with this?

[WUD]

Well I haven't yet really.

I'm still searching for a solution. I think one of the biggest problems (and I see that in your posts) is that the longer you are on your own the harder it becomes to connect with friends and socialise.

I remember having a fairly robust social life in my 30s because my network of friends were 'pre family' but they all started families and slowly but surely started going their own way and I felt more and more like a fifth wheel being the only one in the group that was on my own.

Pulling back from socialising with them was like a self defence mechanism for me. Better to feel alone than the odd one out if you know what I mean.

So the longer I've been on my own it perpetuates the loneliness.

The starting point for me was the problem. I grew up in a family that was naturally anti social so it was not a great environment to learn social norms. My siblings suffer similar problems

As a result I always had problems and suffered a lot from social phobia in my teens and 20s.

So I'm interested to hear how you believe you'll deal with your problems.

Perhaps we can formulate a solution together that works for both of us...

[Tamz]

Hey M_lozone

I know how you feel, im in the same boat as you.

Ever since i was 15 and went into deep depression, my "friends" turned away from me one by one and formed groups on their own without me and went out together to the shops and what not. Now that im 26, i "have" one friend and like you i see her going out having fun without me and it hurts because we use to talk everyday and now... i haven't spoken to her in 5 months. It eats at me all the time and i have no idea how to make friends, even now when im in need to have someone to talk to.

Anyway, in my years i have learnt that friendship is NOT a one-way street and by the sound of it that's what your friendship is and that not fair on you. i have had A LOT of them types of friendships and now (for me) i dont know what a true friend is.

[White_Rose]

Dear M_lozone

Hello and welcome to the forum. The friendship journey can be difficult. It so often is the case that one person cannot be as sociable as before and before long the group have moved on. It is sad when your life changes and you would like to join the group again but do not feel as welcome as before. I'm not entirely sure why this happens other than the group has developed its own social routine and expectations which the returnee does not understand or fit in with. This is quite natural as we all change as we get older and find different interests. Perhaps you have not grown with the old group and have different interests and experiences.

In some ways it can be best to find a new group of friends. It's sad to find you no longer 'fit' with these old friends but a natural process. You did not keep up the friendship while working in hospitality because you were so firmly engaged in socializing either at work or in the rather unsociable times you were not at work. Trying to return under those circumstances was always going to be difficult.

May I ask, do you want to resume these friendships because you very much like these people, miss them and want to be part of their activities, or because it seems easier than making new friends? It's an important point. Even being welcomed with open arms may not have worked in the way you wanted. It can be disappointing to see your old friends talking on social media and you are not included. Maybe it's time to move on and find other friendships.

Easier said than done I know. What do you enjoy doing? Can you find new friends in new or revived interests? This of course is the classic way to meet new people and get on with them. Common interests are often the key to new relationships and very satisfying.

This is a different point of view from the one you may have been expecting. I hope you can understand what I am saying and why. Tamz has commented that friendship is not a one-way street and that is exactly the case. Your 'old' friends may have thought you had left them and have moved on. It can be useful to try and see a situation from the other person's point of view.

Mary