First Time Mum - PND

[maggie23]

Hi,

I became a mum for the first time last year to a beautiful little boy who I love to pieces, but I can't help but be envious of my old life. There is so much I miss about my life before DS (darling son), and I can't help but feel resentful towards him sometimes.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety for over 10 years now, I manage with medication, but some days are just BAD. DS has been going through a really clingy/separation anxiety phase (even if you're right next to him, he wants to be held). Hubby works during the week so it's only me and DS throughout the day. The last couple of weeks has just been winging and winging mixed with teething (I hope), and last night it got the better of me and I snapped.

I knew it was coming so I put DS in his cot where he would be safe, then I lost it. I through things, I shouted at my husband (who sadly is used to me having meltdowns) and I wanted to hit things. I try really hard not to hit things, so I push against a wall or door frame to expel the pent up energy. Hubby went to took care of DS which was great, but it also left me alone. I've always had Hubby to help hold me, or hold my hands and be there. This time I didn't. This led to resentment again towards DS for taking Hubby from me when I needed him. These thoughts then led to self-loathing and self-hate. I went for a drive. I cried for a good hour.

I am going back to work next week for three days and I am so excited. Does this make me a bad mother for wanting to leave my child? I just don't think I am a good SAH (stay at home) mum.

I'm hoping with me being back at work and having these breaks more often will make me a happier mum for DS.

Thanks for listening. Just needed somewhere to vent.

M

[TishaJade]

Hi maggie23,

I am only a step mum and only have my step son on weekends. I can tell you right now from experience with friends and family that even the most mentally stable and strong women suffer from depression after having a child. Having a child causes you to lose pieces of yourself in order to care for your child. Your time, energy, comfort all while you are feeling drained and irritable. It's okay to vent and get angry, and feel at times that your baby has taken a toll on your life. Your son is the biggest toll on your life right now, but not always in a bad way. To your son, you are everything. You are his mother. I recommend you reach out to other mums who are in similar circumstances. I can guarantee you'll experience an abundance of empathy and understanding. Your husband loves and cares for you, but perhaps decided to try and keep the baby quiet or leave you to settle instead of bombard you. I'm sure if you tell him you need his support when you are having a meltdown he will support you. You are both in this together.

Best of luck x

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi maggie23,

I just wanted to reach out and let you know, you are not alone. The best thing I did after having my first (and only) child was going back to work. It has given me sanctuary and the necessary space to be a better mum. The stay at home mum thing for me was mostly fine for the first 6-months and then I knew I needed space to be me again. My Darling Daughter (DD) (now 2) has been at daycare for 2 or 3 days a week since she was 9 months old and it has been the best thing for us. There are certainly challenges with the hectic end to a work/daycare day and there is a bit of rushing that I don't like very much, but I enjoy work and having space and miss my DD while I am away. It is a great feeling to see her at the end of the day and connect.

It is so important to be able to vent when you are adjusting to parenthood. I used to put darling daughter (DD) in her cot and go for a shower, or a walk around the house with the monitor and also cry or curse. Sometimes you just need some space. When this isn't enough, please use the forum to vent frustrations. If you are ever in need to talk to a person out loud and your husband isn't there at that moment, don't hesitate to ring the Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia (PAnDA) support line. They are a great organisation and are supportive to new families. You can find their details here https://www.panda.org.au or by calling 1300 726 306 between 9am - 730pm (AEST).

You are not alone. I hope to hear about your transition back to work and how this goes for you.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn