First depressive episode

[Doberman38]

After my pretty constant state of anxiety from last year on, I guess it was only a matter of time before a depressive episode materialised out of it.

I used to be a very optimistic person. Now, everything in the world just seems to be getting worse, not better and I'm feeling increasingly despondent about the future.

While my family and I are trying harder and harder to lift me out of this state, I just feel worse and worse. The problem is that this greatly frustrates them - my dad can't stand me avoiding the news and my mum gets emotional and says 'I can't deal with this anymore.' I feel incredibly guilty and frustrated by their reactions. I have to pretend I feel fine. If I actually expressed how I was feeling I think it would only agitate or upset them. I honestly don't know what to do.

[Croix]

Dear Doberman38~

I've read about some of the things that have caused you severe anxiety in the past and know you have not had an easy time of it.

That can color how one thinks, particularly if one cannot see a change on the horizon. As someone who also has an anxiety condition I know how wearing it can be.

I also know that the wrong sort of 'help' does just the opposite. People who have never suffered an anxiety or depressive condition very often say things such as 'you'll get over it' or 'look at all the good things you have to live for' and so on.

This can really get to me, not becuse the person is not a caring person, but just because it highlights the vast gap between me and them. They have no understanding.

Your dad does not understand, for you (and me) not watching the news is an excellent thing to do. Why fill yourself with other people's misery or threats to society when you can do absolutely nothing about them. It's just fodder for worry and stress.

Your mum may well care and feel for you, but is also giving you a guilt trip - which you certainly don't need.

I guess I try to see such people as being limited in themselves and try to remind myself much of how they feel is care (sometimes I even succeed 🙂

I've also found that having even one person I can unbend with and talk frankly to can make a pretty big difference. They don't have to "fix" things or try to artificially cheer you up. Just listen, be company and care'

Do you have anyone you might be able to do that with? Even if you don't we are here for you.

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Doberman, I agree with what Croix has said, your mum and dad have no understanding or what it's actually like to feel the way you do, or perhaps they have their own conception from many years ago and how it should be handled or ignored.

I asked an elderly chap how depression was dealt with many years ago, and he didn't know what this term meant and was always told to do the job they had to do, no matter how they felt, because no one cared and told to 'get over it' immediately.

It can be highly unlikely anyone could improve under these conditions because you have to try and abide by how they feel, but this doesn't allow you to express your feelings and even if you try, it won't make any difference.

Are you able to move somehere else, either temporarily or permantly until you have received the help you need.

Geoff.

[Doberman38]

Thank you very much, Croix and Geoff. It really means a lot.

I'm feeling a just a little better today. I think a big reason why it all came crashing down yesterday was because I went to a shopping centre for the first time since 2020 (or rather reluctantly tagged along with my dad to one) and I think it kind of shook my nerves a bit after such a long gap. It also didn't help that I saw some pretty sensationally titled books which were relevant to my anxieties in the bookshop (at least I was pleasantly surprised to find some copies of my favourite manga there too XD).

Yeah, distorted viewpoints really don't help, just creates a self-reinforcing spiral.

My dad at least understands that I suffer from anxiety and depression and doesn't dismiss it like I'm aware happens all too often with the parents of those with these conditions. However, his approach rarely conveys this. I think it's hard for him to accept that I, someone who he has so much confidence in, could still be like this. Something he said to me a few years ago really encapsulates it I think. When I came to him about having intrusive thoughts about something and simply told me to 'stop thinking them', I reminded him of a 'you can't ask that' episode a few days before about OCD which we both watched, reminding him how difficult it is to control these thoughts. While he was aware I had OCD and was deeply moved by the program, he basically said 'well those people don't have the knowledge and mental control that you do.' I'm sorry dad, but that's not how that works.

It's not even like I'm shutting myself off from the news entirely - I periodically update myself on certain happenings when I feel like it. I think the thing with dad is that he's very obsessed about politics and, when I used to be too (in a non-negative way at least), we used to talk a lot about it. Now he feels like he doesn't have that anymore, so he keeps on trying to insist on me knowing EVERYTHING so we'll be on the same page if he wants to bring something up, I think. Problem is, that's not good for me at the moment. I hope I can convince him.

I don't really think moving out's big on my agenda yet. The issue with my parents is not all pervasive, just problematic.

I think I might try to have some phone conversations with irl friends, might make me feel more connected and express feelings better.

Once again, thank you heaps 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Doberman38~

I'm very glad that not only are you feeling a bit better but perhaps more importantly you have an understanding of why you react.

Going to a shopping center after such along time will of course be a shock - and probably quite overwhelming. That bookshop sounds interesting, can I cask what your favorite manga is? For me even though its very old Ghost in the Shell is my favorite.

In a way I can sort of understand you dad, not only did he have a person to discuss the news with, but also it was a means of sharing something with you - so that would have been quite a loss. Still if it is not good for you then trying to hard to keep up wiht him might not be the best idea. Do you think the pair of you could come up with another interest to talk about?

Bit of a play on words, IRL friends on the phone in real life:)

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Doberman, hanks for getting back to us.

With intrusive thoughts it's impossible to just not think about them, especially when you are suffering from OCD.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Doberman38]

Hey guys! Sorry for the late reply. What you have both said has certainly helped a lot.

Yeah, I certainly understand how my dad is feeling. I still talk to him about politics and such, I think I should just make it real clear where my boundaries are at the moment. And we actually share a lot of other interests, so focusing on some of them hopefully won't be too difficult 🙂

Ah, glad you're a fan of Ghost in the Shell, Croix! I haven't read the manga but I've seen the film and it's super amazing! My favourite is Beastars, which is set in an anthro world, and you'll be pleased to know there is at least one walrus! XD

[Croix]

Dear Dobermnan38

No need to apologize, you post whenever you want - all good.

It sounds as if you are very understanding about you dad and I'm glad you have other things to talk about. Getting some boundaries in place about the news would probably be good for both of you. You would not have to go too deep and your dad might get the idea of what you do and don't need.

Yes Ghost in the Shell has several versions as well as the original graphic novel, plus a recent live action movie with Scarlett Johansson which was surprisingly close ot the originals

I've had a look and can see Beastars is on Netflix, I think that is a TV version, have not found the manga novels yet (not in my local library:(. Sounds interesting - particularly as there are not many manga with walruses:)

Croix