Finding it difficult to get help because I appear high functioning

[Existentiality]

I'm a late career professional and superficially my life is a success, but for at least a decade I've struggled with my mental health. My patience and tolerance is often impaired by my underlying sense of despair.

I can pull myself together for 'real' responsibilities concerning other people (being a good parent, supporting relatives, responding to ethical dilemmas in my work) but I have just about given up on my own life. I push myself to exercise regularly and eat well, but all that does is keep my physical structure afloat. I cannot connect with the people around me and I'm chronically single (I form new relationships frequently and they never last long).

I've tried various counsellors but they consider that I'm coping OK or they offer really inappropriate support strategies. I'm entirely secular in my beliefs so anything spiritual or faith-based is anathema to me.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

There some excuse for lack of long terms friends. People busy and sadly, single people are looked upon differently than couples- by couples. When single I was never invited for dinners, got a partner and it changed.

I am an athiest but with my open mind I draw out whatever I can to assist any vacuum of spirituality I can obtain to fill an indescribable void. That void I relate to human intelligence and inquisitive wonder. So for relaxation, coping, meaning of life I regularly watch videos by "Prem Rawat Maharaji" in particular- sunset, the perfect instrument,  appreciate and all is well.

Another is Jordan Peterson. 

My other thought is you might not have attended a therapist more in tune with your needs. 

Finally, a passion. You didn't mention you have one. I find those with emptiness in emotion or life fulfilment often lack a passion eg for me it's inventing, tinkering, astrology, poetry. 

Your thoughts?

TonyWK 

[jaz28]

Hi there,

I am sorry you are struggling, that must be hard for you. You must remember that mental health is just as important as physical health. You need to look after your mind too! Have you considered seeing a psychologist for this as opposed to a counsellor? Or seeing your doctor?

I hope things improve soon,

Jaz xx

[Existentiality]

Thanks Tony

I socialise a lot but the interactions are superficial. Most of the single people I meet have had very limited lives and they bore me (I lived overseas for most of the past 20 years). Sorry but that's the honest truth.

Its true that I could practice mindfulness exercises more often than I do. I do yoga regularly but I've never been able to completely quieten my mind.

Passion is the thing I lack. I abandoned most of my interests in the past because of conflict with work. I'm now semi-retired and so there's a void. My remaining passions are perhaps not good for my mind.

A Buddhist friend suggested that I need to train my mind for contentment. I suspect that I'm more towards the clinical end of the depression scale...

So, my action today has been to reach out to a different counsellor. I'm skeptical but I'll try.

Cheers

[white knight]

Thankyou for replying. "They bore me" - no need to be sorry, you are not alone there. 90 jobs, 15 professions, ran 3 businesses and someone discusses the new no smoking rule at their public serive job they've been in since 18yo and I start looking around the room. Reactional arrogance I feel I be, but it isnt meant. Like a RBA member talking to a teen about pocket money.

I learned a long time ago that a passion is within you from an early age. Passion meaning a level of obsession involved. My wife and I have several interests one is caravanning and 2 Foxy dogs. Combine those two interests plus the joy of new adventures around this great land and it becomes exciting before every journey.

"train my mind". Well older people aren't that easy to train.. old dog/no new tricks, however anything in a positive direction deserves respect.

At around 26yo I had a change of life experience you can read here (jus tthe first post)

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525

From that day on I never stopped being negative, such was the spine chilling effect. Perhaps that is another means- attending motivation speeches? On the flip side even comedies.

The "elephant in the room" could be there, or not at all... being single. I'll let you discoss that if it is indeed in the room.

Low self esteem could be present?? 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

Or are you thinking too much?

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

I must admit I'm clutching at straws and that feeling is there usually when I haven't hit the bulls eye of the matter. 

A new counsellor? Good move, worth a try. We are here 24/7/365 so, although not professional medical staff we hope you get some benefit from our discussions.

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Existentiality

I can relate to what Tony mentions about finding what naturally works. If what works happens to come from the camp known as 'Spirituality', so be it. What works is what works, no matter where it comes from. If what works has a chemical/biological impact (dopamine, endorphins etc), a psychological impact (changing the way we think and perceive things) and a soulful kind of impact (feels like pure inspiration), bamm, it's ticked all 3 boxes.

I can tell you one of the things that definitely doesn't work is everyone around me doing the same old thing and expecting me to be happy. While it may sound selfish to some and while some may say 'We're all responsible for our own emotions', come on, let's get real. You can be the kind of person who inspires everyone around you in your life, driving them to find the best in themselves, while leading them to revelations that can be positively mind altering etc. At some point the question can become 'Who do I know that goes outside the square to find, for me, exactly what I need?'. Sometimes it can be a matter of 'Oh my god, I'm the 'go to' person who has no one I can go to!' or so it seems.

Someone once said to me 'If you want to achieve something, pick your circle'. This would be the circle of go to people that we really need at some point in our life. For example, if I wanted to establish a circle of go to people who could wake me up to what I can't see, I'd include Tony in it. He's woken me up before, when I couldn't see why I was feeling so down. While I was waiting for people around me to change in ways I really needed them to, he woke me up to how depressing 'waiting' can feel, especially when you realise you're waiting for something that's never going to happen.

Establishing a circle can feel like a Goldilocks experience...that person feels too soft, too hard, just right. This person feels too hot, too cold, just right. Feeling who's just right for the circle you're looking to establish can be a challenge. If you're after a circle of 'raisers' (people who are going to raise you mentally, physically and soulfully), might need to go outside the square to find them. Perhaps the new counsellor will be one. If so, add them while looking for the next person to add. What you eventually end up with is a group of people who change your life.

[Existentiality]

Thanks Jaz

Over the years I've seen GPs, medically-qualified mental health workers, and counsellors. My own professional background overlaps with these people so its very difficult creating a therapeutic environment. Usually these consultations lead (as explained in my OP) to a conclusion that I'm doing OK OR they make a recommendation that's so incompatible with my beliefs/values that the practitioner loses my trust. I recall once using the BB crisis line and the advice was so trivial that I just felt worse.

[Existentiality]

"someone discusses the new no smoking rule at their public service job they've been in since 18yo and I start looking around the room"

Love that line - it captures my disconnect beautifully! I left this country over 20 years ago to lead a very different life/career and I'm too altered by that experience to reassimilate.

The people who have been able to touch me emotionally in recent times have been themselves quite unusual/atypical (vulnerable) and the outcomes haven't been good for me. I've put some defensive barriers in place but I'm now drifting in outer space it seems.